“The,um ...” I cleared my throat. “The dead don't talk. I can only hear static, likeradio interference. It's weird, like, like we're in the same world but not onthe same frequency.”
Henodded slowly, sliding his hands into his pockets. “It's not weird. I mean,that kinda makes sense, 'cause that's really how it is, isn't it? Like, they'rehere, but also in another dimension.”
Icouldn't help but smile at his attempt to understand. “Yeah. Exactly.”
Takinga deep breath, Vinnie looked over his shoulder at me and said, “Okay, so how doesthis work? He's here to give me a message, right?”
“Usually,”I said. “But sometimes, they’re looking for something from you.”
Nodding,he looked back to the place where his father stood. “If I talk, he can hear me,right?”
AsVincent nodded, I replied, “Yes.”
Vinniebowed his head and stared at his shuffling bare feet as he said, “Okay. Um, so… Pops … I dunno if you were around when I was in Boston—”
“Hewas,” I quietly interjected, as an image came through of Vinnie, sitting on acouch, across from a professional-looking woman in glasses.
“Cool,okay,” he continued, nodding toward the floor. “So, then, you know I had towrite those letters. Dr. Travetti told me it was important, so I could let goof the shit I was holding onto. And I did write a few of ‘em, to Zach, Jenna,and Andy. I was gonna write one to you, too, but I didn’t know if there’d be apoint, you know? ‘Cause if I couldn’t give it to you and say the shit I neededto say, why waste time on it?
“But,”he continued, looking up and facing the wall, “I still have some shit I need tosay to you, and if you can hear me, then I’m gonna say it. Ready, old man?”
Vincentnodded, which I reiterated quietly, realizing I was there only as a mediatorfor father and son. Their conversation felt personal, and I felt like Ishouldn’t have been there at all. But I had my purpose, and I knew they neededme, so, I stayed.
“So,I’m never gonna understand why you decided not to tell us about your heart. I’mnever gonna get that. But I can accept it was your decision to make and I gottabelieve you did it to protect us, for whatever fuckin’ reason. And it’s becauseof that, that I forgive you.” He took a deep breath and pinched the bridge ofhis nose, as he went on, “And I don’t blame you, okay? I mean, yes, choices Imade were affected by the shit in my life, but that’s the thing, Pops—they werechoicesImade. You once asked me why I decided to get into drugs, and Ididn’t really answer. Not truthfully, anyway. Andy asked me, too, and I toldher it was to escape the shit in my life. And the truth is, yeah, it was for anescape, but it wasn’t ‘cause of the shit in my life. I mean, my life, allthings considered, was pretty good. But it was the shit in my head I needed toget away from, and that, you had no control over. I don’t blame you for that,and I don’t blame myself for it, either. But I own it. I wasn’t ready to dothat before, but I own the fuck out of it now. I’m sorry you had to put up withall of my bullshit while I got there. I’m sorry I put you through hell. I’msorry I wasn’t more grateful for everything you did and all of the sacrificesyou made for us. I mean, man, I bitched and moaned about giving up my life totake care of you, but shit …” His voice rose an octave as he shook his head andmy heart creaked and splintered under the weight of it. “I’m such an assholefor not realizing everything you gave up, to take care of me.”
Heheld a hand over his eyes and finally broke against his palm. As he wept,Vincent spoke in a montage of pictures. All showing me Vinnie’saccomplishments. Him leaving rehab the first and second time. Working at hispizzeria and buying Vincenzo’s. Selling their place in Brooklyn. Moving out ofthe apartment they shared in the city and moving into this one on his own.Marrying me. The things he was there for, in person and in spirit. Things thatlifted my heart with light and triumph. And after that mental scrapbook, therewas only one thing to say.
“He’sproud of you,” I interpreted, reaching out and placing my hand on Vinnie’sshoulder. “For everything you’ve accomplished. And you’ve accomplished a lot.”
Vinnielaughed, swiping the back of his hand beneath his nose. “Death turned the oldman into a sappy motherfucker, huh?”
Nodding,Vincent stepped forward and laid a hand over Vinnie’s arm. Vinnie shuddered atthe touch, and I asked, “Do you feel that?” He nodded erratically.
Vincentpressed his hand to his son’s chest and passed along a message. “He says, ‘Ilove you, Junior,’” I croaked, the words nearly dying in my throat, but I stillmanaged to choke them out in a quiet burst of emotion.
Vinnieexhaled, as a fresh tear trickled down his cheek and onto the floor at hisfeet, and said, “Yeah, old man. I love you, too. And you don’t gotta worryabout me anymore. All right? I’m gonna be okay.”
Thetwinkle in Vincent’s eyes told me he believed every word, and with a slight nodof his head, he turned from his youngest son to look at me.
Theemotions bubbled up from my heart and into my throat, remembering the promise Ihad made to him. Knowing that I'd allowed his son to spiral, and for us both toslip into the darkness without any attempt to find the light until it was toolate. So, what right did I have to stand here now, presenting the gift ofcomfort and reconnection? I was a failure, and I didn't deserve hisforgiveness, when all I was supposed to do in the first place, was make surethat his son was okay.
ButVincent reached out with a gentle hand, brushing his weightless thumb againstmy cheek. He shook his head and reminded me of that image and premonition, ofVinnie, lifeless on the floor. He reminded me of the phone call I had made, ofhow I'd saved him in the nick of time. Of how I'd loved him enough to take whatI'd been given and save his life. He shook his head, controlling my tears withthe silent command, and I closed my eyes and nodded.
I'dlike to think, that after we had parted ways outside of Regina Miller’s show, Iwould have still run into Vinnie again. I liked to think our relationship wouldhave still found another way to happen. But that's not how it went. We hadfound ourselves together again because this man, his father, had neglected totell his children that he was dying. And I knew Vinnie and I had a long roadahead of us, and that the hardships we'd faced would take time to fullyovercome. But while I stood in this clean, fresh apartment, I knew that we'd befine. Because, for me, our love was the sweetness in the bitter reality of lifeand death, and I knew that if we could get through all we'd endured so far, wecould survive anything.
“Idon't feel him anymore,” Vinnie said, fighting back the distress and hurt oflosing his father a second time. “Is he gone?”
Iopened my eyes to see my husband, blinking back unshed tears and staring in thedirection of where his father had been just seconds before, but now, there wasnothing but the TV and the wall it hung upon.
Swallowingagainst a mournful sob, I slipped my hand into his. “Let's go to bed, baby,” Isaid, tugging him toward the hallway.
Hehesitated for a moment, continuing to stare stubbornly, as if he believed thatstaring long enough would give him one final glimpse of his dad. But I knewbetter, and I think somewhere beneath the hurt, he knew it, too. I tuggedagain, and this time, he slowly followed.
Aswe headed down the hall, to begin the new, honest chapter of our livestogether, I swore I heard someone exhale, somewhere not here, and then ...
Silence.
EPILOGUE
