Thedevil on my shoulder begged me to reply, to defend my past decisions, tojustify the cravings that still pricked against my skin. Instead, I continuedwatching the show and maintained my silence.
“Iget that it’s an addiction,” he went on, thrusting his hand toward the screen.“But that addiction begins with a choice, doesn’t it?”
“Iguess,” I said, bringing the nail of my thumb up to my teeth.
“Well,what about you?”
Iglanced at him. “Me?”
Popsnodded, a little too eager. “Yeah! I know it’s probably not somethin’ you wannatalk about, but I’ve always wondered. What made you decide to … you know …” Hecircled his hand in the air, searching for the appropriate words.
“Snortsome shit up my nose?” I offered brusquely, cocking a brow.
“Well...” His lips pinched with consideration, before saying, “Yeah. I guess that'swhat I'm tryin’ to say.”
Ithad been years since my brother and I had first gotten ourselves wrapped up inour addiction to drugs, and although I had spent a lot of that time too high toremember much of anything, I could still recall that first hit. How good itfelt to descend into darkness. How good it felt to escape. How, for the firsttime in a while, it had felt good to beme.
“Idunno,” I lied, thinking about that party from what now felt like another life.“I guess I wanted to feel cool or some stupid shit like that.”
“Didyou?”
Glancingat him, I saw the disappointment in his expression, and said, “I don’tremember.”
“Hm,”he grunted, nodding. “I don’t know why I brought it up, sorry.”
“Don’tworry about it.”
“Ijust realized I had never asked,” he went on, shrugging.
Weresumed watching the show as if nothing had happened, but my mind wouldn’tallow me to pay attention. I felt too vulnerable now, watching this show thatreminded me of things I had left behind and still struggled not to think aboutevery single day. Things that only one other person in my life understood.
“Ineed a cigarette,” I announced abruptly, standing and heading toward the fireescape.
“Okay,”Pops said quietly, nodding.
Whilethe apartment was a good size for the two of us, that didn’t make it large byany stretch of the imagination. It took me no time at all to reach the windowfrom the couch, but before I could climb outside, Pops stopped me.
“Junior,did I say somethin’?”
“Nah.”I shook my head, pulling out my pack of smokes and sliding one out.
“Youdon’t like talkin’ about it?”
Ilaughed. “I really gotta work on my lying skills.”
Popsshrugged like his shoulders were too heavy, weighed down by something I couldn’tsee. “Or you could just be honest.”
“No,”I answered his question bluntly. “I don’t like talkin’ about it. Not with you.”
Henodded slowly, unsuccessfully hiding the insult in his eyes, and said, “Okay.”
Clearingmy throat, I returned the nod, feeling that we’d come to an understanding, andclimbed through the window to stand on the fire escape and smoke.
Witha cigarette lit, I held it firmly between my lips and called Zach. He answeredon the second ring. “Hey, what’s up?” he asked, breathless and clearlyirritated, and I groaned.
“Wereyou just fucking?”
Hislaughter blended easily with the street symphony down below and I missed him.“No, I wish. I’m over at Greyson’s dad’s place, playing hide and seek with Izzybefore she goes to bed. But Grey hid her somewhere and I can’t freakin’ findher. Like, how hard is it to find a five-year-old?”
