Iopened my mouth to speak, in defense of myself and my friend, when Moe spokefirst.
“You'reabsolutely right,” he said, nodding. “I'm not proud of what I've done, and Ithank God every single day of my life that I have the Marinos. If it weren'tfor them, I'd still be out there, sleepin' in the gutter and bummin'cigarettes.”
Hissmile turned nostalgic as he said, “Those guys, Zach and Vinnie ... they alwaystook care of me. Made sure I was fed, and eventually, they got me a job.”
Mom'seyes flitted quickly toward mine before saying, “They're good friends.”
“Theyare,” Moe agreed. “They're great guys.”
Mysisters exchanged a pointed look. I could only imagine what they were thinkingand I knew I was better off not knowing. Their judgment didn't shock me, but itwas my father who turned my head.
“Well,I've only met Zach the one time, but I know Vinnie is a good man. Troubled,sure, but I've never known troubled to mean bad.”
Moegrabbed his glass of soda and raised it up to my father. “Truer words havenever been spoken.”
Themeal continued, with utensils clattering and dishes passing, and amidst it all,my mother looked over the table at me and said, “I get it, now.”
***
I saidgoodbye to Moe, and although he insisted it wouldn't be forever, I argued thathe couldn't know for sure. Nothing is guaranteed, and I knew that to be true,more than ever, the moment I stepped into my room.
God,the silence had never been so loud.
Mybones begged to be free of the ache in my chest, while knowing there was noescape. It had been six months since I last took a hit, and for the first timesince the initial withdrawal had subsided, the itch to escape filled my mind.Lying in bed, the craving was so insatiable I began to wonder how it wassomeone went about finding a drug dealer, and I smacked a hand against myforehead.
“Stopit,” I scolded through gritted teeth. “Just stop it.” And I climbed out of bed.
Inmy months of recovery, I had searched for something else, something to grasp myattention and help me battle against the cravings. The only thing that had comeclose was exercise. The endorphins from working out always offered enough of ahigh to distract me. So, I grabbed my workout clothes, hanging over my closetdoor, and dropped my sweatshirt in the process. I cursed out of frustration asI picked it up, when something fell out of the pocket.
There,on the floor, was the envelope from Vinnie.
Somehow,between losing Jamie and having dinner, I had managed to push the letter to theback of my mind, but now, it stood front and center and I no longer craved theescape of cocaine.
Ichose his words instead.
***
Hey,Sweetheart.
So,in case you haven't noticed, I've never been great at communicating. I'd rathersmoke and get high than talk through my problems, and apparently, according tomy shrink, this is a problem. My biggest issue though, is that I never knowwhere to begin. But Dr. Travetti says a story should always start at thebeginning, so buckle up, baby. It's gonna be a long one.
Iwas only five years old when my mom left us, and I watched her leave. I hadbeen sick as hell the night she went, puking and with explosive diarrhea. It'scrazy because I still remember it all so clearly. Like, I was only five, but Ican remember the way her hand felt against my back. Her palm was cold on myclammy neck and I remember crying and asking her to make it stop, I was sofucking hot and tired, and she just kept saying, “Where the hell is yourfather?” I couldn't tell time yet, but I knew he was late, and there wasn'tmuch that made her more angry than him being late. And finally, just asI LoveLucycame on, I puked all over the fucking couch, and she said, “I can't dothis anymore.” So, she packed her shit, kissed me on the cheek, and told me sheloved me. I cried so fucking much I threw up again, and I begged her not to go.She told me she had to, like she didn't have a choice, and then, she walked outthe door and never came back.
Justlike that.
Fuck.I've never told anyone that before.
Ilied to everyone and told them I saw nothing. I said I had fallen asleep on thecouch and didn't know she had gone. I was scared to tell the truth, because Ithought they'd be mad at me for letting her leave, as if I could have stoppedher or something. It's the first lie I can remember ever telling and I thinkit's the only one anyone has ever believed. It's like I got all my lying mojoout on that big one.
Anyway,it fucked me up big time. I mean, that would fuck anybody up, but I was reallymad. I got into fights a lot. I was a fucking bully and picked on anyone weakerthan me. Like, I remember this one kid from elementary school, Robert, who worethese glasses that looked like he stole them from an 80's housewife. I rippedthe shit out of this poor kid, and then I would go home and cry because I hatedbeing so fucking mean. I just couldn't let them get the better of me, you know?Because if I didn't tease them first, they would've teased me for being the kidwithout a mom. And I couldn't fucking deal with that.
So,then I got mixed up with the wrong crowd, as the story goes. Zach and me, wewere partners in crime by that point, and we'd crash parties we had no businessbeing at. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen to get us booze from a chickI never knew the name of. We moved onto weed, and then, we went to this partywhere some guy way older than us showed up with a bag of coke. Zach was moreinterested than I was, but I was down to try anything. So, this dude told himthat if we wanted some, we'd have to pay. Of course, we didn't have any moneyat the time, so he said, “I'm not just talking about cash.” Zach agreed to suckthis asshole's dick for two lines, one for him and one for me. I was fuckinghorrified that he'd bend so easily, but afterward, he told me he was gay andthat it wasn't a big deal.
But,Andy, it was a big fucking deal. Because that was how my brother came out tome. By whoring himself out for drugs. And, as if that wasn't bad enough, weliked the high—no, we loved it, a lot. So, Zach did more “favors” and we spentwhatever money we had to get our fix, and this went on for a long time beforewe got stupid.
Wescored some blow one day from a neighbor and couldn't wait to get high. So, webrought it home, even though we had never done that shit at home before, andthat was the one day Pops came home early. He told us if we didn't go to rehab,he'd kick us out, because he couldn't stand to lose anyone else, so we went.And while we were there, Zach got himself a boyfriend (who ended up being afucking loser but that's a story for another day) and a new addiction to hisvideo game, and I picked up cigarettes and the decision to never leave myfather.
Afterthat, I devoted my life to him. Pops was my world. He was my best friend and myhero. I gave up all ambition to live on my own and to have sex anywhere but inthe bathroom at Goose's bar. And, I guess that was all well and good, but theproblem with heroes is that they're not immune to mortality. I think I actuallyconvinced myself that my father was incapable of dying, so when we got the newsthat his heart was giving out, I immediately began to spiral. And the further Ifell, the angrier I got, and so much of that was taken out on you.
