Ihadn't wanted to use more than I did then. Because, although I found I couldhandle the ghosts, I couldn't handle the despair of not having Vinnie there tohold the pieces of my heart together.
Mytherapist said it was just the withdrawal and that, with time and medicalintervention, it would go away overtime. And after two months, the paranoia,anxiety, dreams, and insatiable cravings had faded. But the broken hearthadn't.
Aftermy ninety days were over, I was released from Hope Meadows with a prescriptionfor anti-anxiety meds and a new lease on life. My therapist was optimisticthat, with a bit of positive direction, I could control the so-called visions Iexperienced without the urge to run back to the drugs. I was never sure if shehad believed I saw the spirits, but it didn't matter. It was enough that I'dbeen honest with her, and that she hadn't called me crazy.
Dadpicked me up in his Lexus and asked if I had made any friends. I snickered androlled my eyes before saying, “I wasn't there to make friends, Daddy.”
“Ijust thought it'd be nice to have friends who understand what you're goingthrough.”
Iwanted to tell him that I did have someone who understood—my husband. But I hadkept my promise and hadn't spoken to Vinnie in three months. I didn't know whathe was doing, or if he was okay, and so, I said nothing.
Theride from Hope Meadows was long and when we finally got home, I found mysisters' cars in the driveway. I turned to Dad, horror and betrayal written allover my face. I hadn't spoken to my sisters since the night of theiranniversary party and the last thing I wanted now, was to face theirI toldyousobullshit.
“Theyinsisted,” he explained with a weak smile. “You don't have to talk with them.Just thank them for thinking of you and eat some dinner.”
“Ireally just want to go to bed,” I replied.
“Iknow, honey pie.” He reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear, treating methe way I felt—like a child, helpless and so painfully dependent. “If you want,I'll just tell them you're exhausted.”
Ishook my head. “No, it's fine,” I said, taking a deep breath before opening thecar door and heading inside.
Sittingon the couch, Willa and Meredith turned their heads the moment I walked in.Their expressions were of transparent judgment, staring at me as though theyhad never really known me, and I had to wonder why the hell they had botheredcoming.
“Hey,Andrea,” Willa spoke up first.
“Hey.”
Meredithstood from the couch and walked around, slowly at first, to come to me with herarms outstretched and tears leaking from her eyes. “Oh, my God,” she sobbedagainst my ear. “You're going to be okay. We got you.”
Icouldn't help shedding a couple of tears as Willa hurried over to wrap her armsaround both of us. They whispered their tearful declarations of protection andsupport, and I slumped exhaustedly into their embrace. I don’t know if theywould've supported me as much if I'd walked through the door with my husband, insteadof our father. I don’t think they'd support Vinnie this much in the battleagainst his own demons. But still, I welcomed their love. I found I had neededit, that I had neededthem, and I didn't need for them to love myhusband to admit that I'd missed them.
Ihad missed them a lot.
AndI found they weren't all that I'd missed, as I climbed the stairs to my roomafter dinner. I hesitated before opening the door, unsure of what I'd find onthe other side. I hadn't seen Jamie since the day I told her to leave, not evenafter I'd returned home, rejected and sober. I was scared she was gone for goodand that I'd thrown away my unconditional friend. But, after opening the door acrack, I found her there. Sitting on my bed, where she always was.
Shewas startled to see me there and jumped up from the bed, acting in a hurry,like she'd been caught doing something naughty. My heart ached, realizing shewas going out of her way to not look at me. I wished so much that I could hugher, and the ache in my heart intensified with the realization that I had neveronce known what it was like to feel her in my arms.
“Jamie.”My voice tripped along in my throat as I stepped into the room and closed thedoor.
Shestilled in the center of the room, bowing her head to divert her eyes from me.
Imoved closer as I said, “Jamie ... I'm sorry. I'm, I'm so sorry.”
Bythe time I realized I was crying, the tears were already dripping from my chin.She looked so small. She was just a child in this big world, all by herself, andI'd tried to send her away. How could she ever forgive me for that when Icouldn't forgive myself?
“I'msorry,” I repeated. “I was so messed up. I had gotten into some bad shit withVinnie and I wasn't thinking. Please, look at me.”
Reluctantly,Jamie raised her eyes to mine, as she twisted her fingers. She looked at mecuriously, working her bottom lip between her teeth, then turned her headtoward the desk. The memory of using drugs in my childhood bedroom came back tome, as vivid as if it'd just happened, and I nodded.
“Yeah,”I answered, swallowing and fighting the battle against my cravings. “I did somebad stuff. But I'm done with it. No more. I don't want you to go away, okay?Please stay. Stay forever.”
Jamieheld up her pinkie finger and I tried to take it, watching as my pinkie passedthrough hers.
“Yes,”I said with a nod. “I promise.”
***
“Andrea!”
