“Youcan choose whatever you want, sweetheart,” I said, reaching out to pull heragainst me one last time. “But you don't get to choose me.”
***
When thecar arrived, I didn't have to drag her from the apartment building. I hadthought I might need to, but she went willingly, with the promise that shewould be back—or was it a threat? But what she hadn't realized, when shestormed out like a kid being forced onto the school bus, was there would benothing to come back to.
“So,this is rock bottom,” I said to the empty apartment later on, as I sat down infront of the pile of coke, now back on the coffee table.
AfterAndy left, I'd had the sense to clean up a bit, because Zach had been right.The place was a fucking mess, and if there'd been any truth to Andy'spsychobabble and Pops really was here, I could only imagine how pissed he was.
“Zachhates me,” I said, opening five of the bags and dumping them together on thelargest shard of mirror I could find. “Jenna will, too, if she doesn'talready.” I cut the lines thick, using more than I normally did. “I can't runthe restaurant. I'm too irresponsible, or fucked up, or somethin'.”
Iclasped my hands together to hover over the three, fat lines, like I waspraying over my last supper, and tipped my head back to look at the ceiling. Iwasn't sure if I needed to, in order for Pops to hear me, if what Andy said wastrue, but I did it anyway.
“Youasked me why I did it,” I said. “You wanted to know, but I wouldn't tell youthen, 'cause I didn't want you to feel bad. But now, I got nothin' to feel badfor. It's just the truth, nothin' more than that.”
Ipointed a finger at a splotchy, old water stain. “Youdid this. Andlook,” I shrugged, “I made my choices, that's all on me, but none of this everwould've happened if it weren't for you.Youdrove Ma away.Youwere never there for us.Yougave us the need to run away from ourshitty problems. And yeah, okay, sure. You did get us into rehab, so go aheadand pat yourself on the back for that one. But what the fuck does it all evenmatter when I'm where I'm at now, becauseyoudidn't think we needed toknow you were fuckin' dyin'?”
Ichoked on my own voice and wiped a hand over my mouth. “Fuck. I swore I wasgonna hold my shit together here,” I muttered, before continuing.
“Youlet me build my life around you,” I said, dropping my gaze from the ceiling tothe empty room around me. “You never prepared me for this, and maybe that's onme, too, you know? Maybe I should've been more realistic. But you were mydad.Wasn't that your fuckin' job, to prepare me for this shit?” I swiped my armbeneath my nose as I sniffled. “I'm fucked up becauseyoufucked up, andI just can't deal with it anymore. I'm all alone here, and man, I'm not gonnalet myself go through another day of this, thispain.” I laid a handover my chest and tried to rub the ache away. “I can't do it. And I don't haveto, so I won't. Sorry if that disappoints you, Pops, but you disappointed me,too, man. So, consider us even.”
Then,clearing my throat, I leaned over the coffee table and looked forward to neverfeeling this way ever again.
CHAPTERTHIRTY-FIVE
ANDREA
Ashe collected my stuff and ignored my pleas, he claimed to have ruined my life.Never once willing to stop and understand how he had actually made my lifebetter.
Hehad given me love. He had given me hope. And as wrong as everything we had donetogether was, he had given me happiness. Isn't that all any of us can hope forin this life, just to be happy, whatever it takes to get there?
Butnow, as I sat on the bed in my room at home, I ached with the last thing he hadgiven me: my first broken heart.
Ofcourse, my parents hadn't been expecting me when the Uber dropped me off. Ithad only been hours since I'd last been there, declining their dinnerinvitation, but there I was, walking in just as they were cleaning up the meal.On the way over, between bouts of tears, and as the nerves wormed themselves inand out of my intestines, I'd wondered what I'd say to them once I got there.How could I explain another surprise visit? And how was I going to explain thatI was, apparently, going to be staying for at least a few days until I made upwith Vinnie? I had my doubts, but by the time I got to the house, it was allplanned out. I had felt confident and prepared, but the moment I steppedthrough the door I realized, you can never be prepared for when you're crawlinghome with your tail between your legs and a man-sized handprint on your cheek.
“Oh,my God, Andrea!” Mom had cried out the second I stepped through the door. “Oh,honey, what happened?”
Shehad rushed to me while Dad hung back, silently observing with murderous intentflaring in his eyes. I allowed Mom to lead me to the couch, where sheinstructed me to sit and wait while she got me some ice and something to eat.
Alonewith my father, I looked at him and said, “Daddy ... I need help.”
Hehadn't wanted to talk to me then, not wanting my mother to hear everything justyet. And so, now I waited, laying in my old bedroom and wondering how I wassupposed to confess to my father, that everything my mother and sisters wereafraid of had, in fact, come true.
Therewas a soft knock and I told him to come in. He did, closing the door behindhim, before coming to sit at the edge of my bed.
“So,before you say anything, I have to know,” he began, “did Vinnie hit you?”
Istalled before nodding, but when his breath hitched under the weight of hisanger, I said, “It's not what you think.”
“Idon't care what it is,” he snapped, keeping his tone calm and controlled. “Noman should ever raise a hand to a woman, ever. End of story.”
“Youdon't even know the story,” I answered quietly.
“Don'tmake excuses for him,” he countered, glaring in my direction.
“I'mnot.” I sighed and sat up, wrapping my arms around my knees. “He slapped mebecause he thought he needed to shock me.”
“Shockyou, why?”
