Sixtyfeet of natural beauty came into full view as we approached Looking GlassFalls. Our jog slowed to a walk when we neared the cluster of tourists,crowding at the water’s edge and wading into the depths.
Touringalways led to a very monotonous life. A lot of the time, we were secludedwithin the walls of the tour bus until we reached our next stop. Then, weplayed another show. Lather, rinse, repeat. But sometimes, we got lucky and gotto run toward something memorable. Something like this.
“Thisis the prettiest thing I’ve seen all month,” Molly whispered, walking towardthe rippling water.
Iwished I could say the same, but that would’ve been a lie. So, instead, Igrunted my reply and nodded. It wasn’t the prettiest, but it came a closesecond.
“Doyouwannacool off in the water?” she asked, lookingover her shoulder, and before I could reply, she was already toeing off hersneakers.
“Nah,I’m good.”
Isat down on the rocks beneath us as she pulled her socks off. “Come on, Chad,”she begged, stepping into the water. “Oh, that’s so nice. You should feelthis.”
Tuggingmy baseball cap off, I scratched the back of my head. “I’m justgonnasit for a couple of minutes,” I told her, pulling outmy phone to text Ali as she shrugged and waded out.
Aliand I didn’t speak much while I was on tour, never have. She’d always say thatshe didn’t want to bother me, under the assumption that I was too busy to talkto her, even as I texted her multiple times a day. It’d taken me too long torealize that it wasn’t that she thoughtIwas too busy, but thatshewas too busy. I wasn’t around, so Iwasn’t a priority. Out of sight, out of mind. I knew I didn’t deserve that, butI took it. Because I wanted her. I wanted to know she was there, waiting for meto return. I wanted the security of having someone loving me in the way I lovedthem. So, I said nothing.
Butnow, I was coming to the realization that it wasn’t Ali I wanted. It was theideaof Ali, the idea of a girlfriend.Of someone being in love with me, and the idea of a promised future. I justwished it hadn’t taken me so damn long to realize that I wanted—needed—the real thing. And I’d known forweeks now that I needed to end things. Still, I couldn’t do it yet. Not when Iwas on the road. I wouldn’t have that conversation through text or even overthe phone. I was a better man than that.
So,until I was home, I was still her boyfriend. And I still texted her.
Me:Hey. Yougottasee this waterfall here. It’sgorgeous.
Isnapped the picture and sent it away. I didn’t expect a reply because sherarely answered. But before I could tuck the phone away, it buzzed with a newtext.
Ali:Nice.
Istared at the one-worded response for too long. It was the first reply I’dreceived in two days, and that’s all she could say?Nice. It felt cold and impersonal. Hell, even if we no longer lovedeach other and our relationship was headed straight toward implosion, I stillcared enough about her than to say something so … plain. After eight years, youhave tocare about the person, right? It irked me, andI wondered if I would’ve preferred to have kept my one-sided conversationgoing.
Ibegan to type out another message. About the weather, of all things. Andanother text from her came through.
Ali:So, we should talk. It’s been a while.
Me:Yeah, I agree.
Ali:When can you call?
“Chad!”Molly’s voice distracted me from the dryness in my throat and the beating of myheart. I glanced up from my phone to see her standing near the waterfall. Itsstream sprayed her with water and her smile left my jaw unhinged and loose.“Yougottafeel this!”
Iforced my jaw to tighten and my lips to smile. “Hold on a sec,” I called andquickly tapped out a reply.
Me:I’ll call you tonight.
Ikicked my shoes off, stuffed my phone into one, and laid them next to Molly’s.My sneakers dwarfing hers. I could distinctly recall a time in our lives whenmy shoes and hers were the same size. We could share, and often did, if shedidn’t feel like wearing her sandals or I didn’t want to wear my shoes aftergetting them wet in the rain. When had my feet grown sofreakin’big? Why had hers stayed so small? It was a ridiculous metaphor to make, but Ifelt like it was symbolic. I was bigger. Stronger. There to protect her,convince her she was worthy. And even while I felt weaker than I ever hadbefore, I looked at our shoes, sitting side by side, and for a moment, feltpowerful.
Inmy shorts and t-shirt, I stepped into the water. It was cool and pleasant,rippling around my calves, and I waded out to where she stood.
Mollysmiled. “I didn’t think you’d come in.”
Ishrugged. “I just had to text Ali.”
Shenodded. “How is she?”
“Okay.”
“Good.”
Mollyturned back to the waterfall. Her eyes lit with wonderment as she confessed,“This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” Then, she looked back to me,a blush creeping up from the damp collar of her shirt. “That probably soundsstupid to you. You’ve been all over the world. You’ve probably seen someincredible things. Stuff I could never imagine.”
