“Now,some ground rules,” he declared. “We promise to clean out the shower drainevery time, jerk off quietly, and keep the farting to a minimum—as long as youuphold the same on yourend.Capiche?”
Shebit back a grin, struggling to keep the corners of her mouth downturned, as shenodded sternly. “Capiche.”
“’Cause, baby, I willnothesitate to call you out on your vibrator being too damn loud. Trust me.”
“Toofar, man,” Ty muttered, shaking his head and turning to the refrigerator.
“Shegets it,” I grumbled protectively, while my mind delved into places best leftunchartered. Like, did she have a vibrator? Did she bring it? And then thosethoughts trailed into visuals and …
Knock. It. Off. Knock it offright now.
Mollygrinned, grabbing one of her bags and turning toward the hall. “Oh, don’t youboys worry about me.” She stopped and glanced over her shoulder. A coy smileplayed on her lips and struck me unexpectedly, square in the chest. “Ipurposely bought a quiet vibrator,specificallyfor this occasion.” Asshe sashayed down the hall, Sebastian clapped his hands, laughing heartily,while Ty grinned and shook his head.
“Nicelyplayed, sweetheart,” Sebastian called after her, slapping a hand against myback. Then, leaning toward my ear and lowering his voice, he muttered, “Putyour eyes back in your head, Chaddington.”
Startled,I blinked and turned to him. “Huh?”
“Nobodyknows that look better than me, and trust me, I get it. She’s fucking hot.” Iglared, afraid I’d strike him dead with the power of thought alone, and hesmirked. “Down, boy. You don’thave to worry about anybody on this bus and you know that. But keep it in yourpants, dude. Don’t forget you have a girlfriend, and don’t forget it’snother.”
Iswallowed and reluctantly nodded, just as Ty muttered from behind us, “Yet.”
***
We hadonly a little time to get settled before the buses were parked at the venue inHartford, our first stop on the tour. We ran through a soundcheck and theplaylist for the night while Molly sat with Kylie, running over her ownforty-five minuteset. Devin’s kids ran through the aisleswith Jon’s, supervised by Greyson, who seemed to have been roped into babysitting.
AsItunedmy Stratocaster, with its glossy red burstfinish, I remembered the time when I was the new guy, replacing douche-bagextraordinaire, Robbie White. It was just Devin, Ty, Sebastian, Kylie, and meback then. Before Devin had kids. Before Sebastian discovered he had a son.Before Jon, traveling spouses, and opening acts. Hell, most of the time backthen,wewere the opening act. Itfelt like eons ago, damn near forever, when really, it was less than a decade.I felt like I’d grown up in this band, with those three guys and an awesomepurple-haired chick from Connecticut, and now I was thirty. Fuckingthirty—weeks later and it still didn’t feel right—and I no longer felt like thebaby. I just felt old. Old, tired, and sick.
Butnow, there was Molly. Sitting in the front row with her bare feet perched atthe edge of the stage. It felt likeshewas the new guy now, so to speak. She seemed so at ease with the group of us,quickly becoming a part of the pack. Just like Jon’s wife, Tess and Sebastian’swife, Tabby.
Andthere it was, the feeling again that I wasmissingout. That I waswasting time. Alinever even tried. She had never gone to a show. Hell, had sheeverseen me play for a crowd, in all theyears I’d been with her? It seemed impossible, given how long we’d beentogether, but I couldn’t remember a single time she’d been a member of theaudience.
You need to break up with her. Myhand gripped the maple neck of my guitar so hard, so violently, the stringspressed painfully against the joints in my fingers. It was a truth I felt likeI’d been avoiding. Breaking up with Ali would mean to throw away eight years ofso much begging, so much trying, so muchhoping.Breaking up with her meant starting over, and at thirty, who the fuck wants tostart over?
But you’re not in love withher. Not anymore. The thought was crushing against my heart, soI tried to reason with myself for a moment. Maybe it was just that big scary3-0 looming over my head that was filling me with self-doubt. Or maybe it wasthe pathetically delayed realization that Molly, my best friend sinceinfanthood, was a woman. A real, beautiful, supportive, amazingwoman. But, noamountof scapegoats could take away from one very obvious fact: I enjoyed being awayfrom Ali more than I wanted to be with her and I didn’t miss her when I wasaway. I didn’t long to be back in my bunk late at night, to listen to her voiceand wish she was in my arms.
Andnothing could take away from the fact that we wanted very different things. Iwas never going to stop wanting them, and she was never going to give them tome.
Itwisted a tuning peg so tight, the steel string snapped and whipped against mychin. The sting was brutal and sobering.
“Ouch,”Dev commiserated. “You okay?”
Ihissed, touching the spot and pulling my fingers away. No blood. “Yeah. I’mgood. Fuckin’ hell …”
“Hurtslike a bitch,” Ty muttered understandingly.
AsI reached into my case to fish out another string, a pang struck my gutabruptly.God,don’t do this now.I was putting myselfunder too much stress. Too much was going on and I had way too much on my mind.I knew those were all ingredients to making myself feel like crap, and I forcedslow, steady breaths in and out of my lungs. I focused on regaining control, asI restrung and twisted and tuned. I centered my mind and cleared my head.Think happy thoughtsand all that.
Butit wasn’t helping.
Ipinched the bridge of my nose as another wave struck and my bones began toache. I forced my back to remain straight and strong, when really all I wantedwas to double over and clutch my middle. I wanted to release the tears that stungthe back of my eyes. I wanted to whine and scream and beg for it to just go thefuck away.
ButI kept my practiced composure. I blinked, fought through it, and checked mywatch. There was an hour until doors opened. Another hour until Molly went on. Andafterthat, we’d go on and play for two.
Five hours. You justhave toget through five hours.
Itook a deep breath, filled my lungs, and prayed I could make it that long,knowing I wouldn’t.
15
