“I’mjust curious,” I admitted. “I mean, it’s none of my business, but I know you doreally well for yourself, so …” I shrugged, immediately regretful and wishing Icould take it back.
Nodding,Chad crossed his arms and held them tight to his chest. “Uh, well,” he clearedhis throat, “I’ve wanted to get my own place for a while now, but I keepwaitin’ until I can get one with my girlfriend.”
Themention of his girlfriend poked at something deep and aching in my chest. Iknew he wasn’t single; we’d been friends on social media for years. But hearinghim say it aloud made itall the morereal. I didn’texpect for it to bother me, to hear that he was taken, and maybe it was out ofjealousy that I couldn’t say the same for myself. Or maybe it was simply thathe was an attractive man giving me his attention, and for that stupid,superficial reason, I wanted this to be a little more than what it was.
Maskingthe silly hint of hurt choking at my throat, I narrowed my eyes and shook myhead. “Haven’ty’allbeen together for a long time?”
Witha pinch of his lips, he nodded. “Eight years.” He said it with a hint ofincredulity. Like he didn’t quite believe it himself, that so much timecould’ve passed.
“Well,uh, what’rey’allwaitin’for, then?” I asked the question lightheartedly, and he raised his brows,keeping his mouth locked tight as he shrugged. He didn’t seem to have anyexplanation, and I sank lower in my seat. “I’m sorry forbringin’it up. I was just curious, and—”
Chadlifted a hand and waved the apology away. “Stop. It’s fine. I’ve just had along, weird day.”
Ishifted uncomfortably on the cushion. “Weird‘causeof this, or …”
Heturned to face me and shook his head. “It hasnothin’to do with you,” he said, but immediately afterward, he laughed. “Well, okay,itkindadoes. I definitely wasn’texpectin’ this tonight, but I’m happy we’re getting thechance to hang out.”
Ismiled, allowing myself to relax again. “Me too.”
Areflective silence blanketed us as he leaned forward and grabbed a tot. Hechewed mindfully, his gaze cast toward the bowl, until he swallowed and asked,“Are youfreakin’ out aboutturnin’thirty?”
Thequestion came out of nowhere and I laughed. “Me? Not really. It’s just anumber, and not a particularly scary one at that. I mean, forty? Maybe. Fifty?Definitely. But thirty?” I shrugged casually. “Nah. It doesn’t bother me much.Why?”
Hegrunted and nodded once. “That’s what I thought, too, but now, it’s reallyfuckin’ with me.” Then, he pointed a stern finger at me. “That’s between youand me, all right? Don’t tell anybody I said that.”
“Sure.”And God, didn’t that feel nice? That even after years of separation, he couldstill confide in me. “But what do you mean?”
“Idon’t know. I guess I’m justthinkin’ abouteverything I always wanted to have in my life by this point. A great job and aplace of my own. A wife. Kids. And I mean, five years ago, I feltaheadof the game. I had the great job and a woman I was pretty sure would be my wifeone day, but now …” He shrugged and dusted a hand over his cropped hair. Iwaited for him to continue and finish his thought, but when he dropped the handback to his leg, he just shook his head. “Ah, whatever. I guessnothin’ in life really turns out the way we plan it,right?”
Narrowingmy eyes with suspicion, I leveled him with my glare. “Chad, I’m not sure if Ishould say this, or if I really even have the right, but I’mgonnatell you something I learned very early on in mylife, okay?” He turned to me and gestured for me to continue. “You can’t relyon other people to make you happy. You have to makeyourselfhappy.”
Iwaited to see how he’d react, worried he might be angry. So, when he simplytipped his head, listening intently, I went on. “If you’rewaitin’on your girlfriend of eightfreakin’ years to wake upone day and suddenlywannalive with you, you’regonnabelivin’ with your mamaand daddy for a long-ass time. Go out and find that place youwannalive in, if that’s what youreallywant to do. And if she wants to come with you, great. Butyougottado what’s right foryou. Even ifthat means juststayin’ where you are. There’sabsolutelynothin’ wrong with that either, as long asyou’re happy.”
Thegruff, thoughtful hum that came from his throat felt sinful. It did things tomy body I wasn’t proud of, and I kept the heat beneath my skin and hid theflutter of my pulse by reaching forward for my bottle of beer.
“Ifthis was about twenty years ago, I probably would’ve kicked your ass fortalkin’ shit about my girlfriend,” he grumbled, and I letmyself exhale at the joke. “But seriously, I’ll think about it. Thanks.”
“Yeah,”I said flightily. “No problem.”
“Anyway,it’s late, so I should probably get going. I’m already beginning to feel thewrath of that nasty fake cheese.” He laid a hand over his stomach, and Ilaughed. But while he grinned, the humor didn’t quite touch his eyes, and Iwondered about that. “This was good, though, Molls. I had fun. And thanks forlistenin’.”
“Ofcourse.”
“I’llsee you soon, okay?”
Ismiled and felt the little girl inside me embrace the reconnection with her oldfriend as I said, “I hope so.”
6
GetBetter at Rapping
CHAD
IWOKEUP ACUTELYaware that I hadn’t slept enough, despite having been asleepfor nearly nine hours. I cursed the creators of vegan cheese, assumingimmediately that was what had kept me up until the early morning hours in pain.At least I hadn’t been lonely, though. I had the memories from the night tokeep me company, and somehow, that made it all a little more bearable.
Rollingout of bed with a groan, I grabbed my phone to check for messages. There wasonly one and it was from Molly. It was silly, just two emojis. A shooting starand a hugging smiley face. I knew it meant nothing. My phone had died the nightbefore, so I hadn’t been able to add her information into my contacts.Obviously, she had only texted me to ensure I got her number. But at the sightof the little yellow face and golden star, affection and something else,something nearly ugly, came together to create a sweet and sour sensation, andit swelled in my chest and expanded to my stomach.
Thereweren’t any messages from Ali. My girlfriend of eight years rarely texted me,and for the first time possibly ever, it irked me. It started as a gentle nagbut quickly escalated to an internal scream. Saying that although we weretogether, the lines of communication between us were so delicate and fragile,they were nearly nonexistent.
