“That’s right.” Inodded, turning to press a kiss to her forehead.
“Daddy,” Lilly began,clenching her fists around the hem of her blanket, “is Mommy with Tess’sgrandma?”
I tucked the silent andconfused Annabel into her bed and replied, “I hope so, Lil.”
“Wegonnamake Tess happy now,” Shellystated confidently. “Like she madeyouhappy.”
“We’regonnatry,” I agreed, nodding. “But right now, you girlsneed to get some sleep.”
We said our I loveyou’sand we said our goodnights, and I turned off thelight. Leaving the door open a crack, I sighed into the living room andprepared myself for another bout of heartbreak. I wasn’t sure I could handleTess’s tears, her guilt and sorrow without breaking my own heart, but I wouldtry. For her.
The kitchen was empty,and I turned tolook intomy room. Tess was there,curled up on the bed, still in her jeans and sweatshirt. Stepping through thedoor and closing it gently behind me, I noticed she wasn’t sleeping, nor wasshe crying. Just staring toward the wall and breathing evenly.
I turned to my dresserand opened a drawer, pulling out a t-shirt and a pair of boxers. I laid them onthe bed at her feet and said, “Here, you can wear these to sleep, if you want.”
She nodded and sat up,laying a hand over the clean clothes. “Thank you. I can sleep on the couch, ifyou’re more comfortable. I just … I just can’t sleep in that house.”
“When Beth died,” I saton the edge of the bed beside her, “I stayed at my parents’ house with thegirls for about three weeks before I could come back here. Mom had come by first,to rearrange the furniture and bring some new stuff in, just to … change it, Iguess. Not make it so painful.”
“Did it work?” sheasked in a whisper.
“No.” I shook my headand rubbed my hands against my knees. “Nothing could change that she’d died here.A new kitchen table and comforter wasn’t going to take that image out of mymind.”
Tess nodded, silentlypulling the t-shirt and boxers into her lap. “I keep seeing her.”
“You will.”
Her eyes welled-up asshe pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. “Does it ever go away?”
“Eventually you stopseeing it every time you close your eyes, but does it go awaycompletely?” I pursed my lips. “I’ll letyou know if it ever happens.”
The room fell intosilence and Tess stood up to wordlessly remove her sweatshirt, revealing aBritney Spears t-shirt underneath. I thought about making a joke, thought ofteasing her just a little, but then thought better of it. She didn’t need thatright now.
Instead, I asked, “Areyou hungry?” As she pulled the t-shirt off, unveiling bare breasts andall ofthose tattoos, I kept my gaze on her eyes. Lookingfor the words she might not say. The little nuances wordscouldn’tsay.
“Um …” She hesitated,then nodded. “I don’t think I’ve eaten anything since this morning. I’ve justbeen … dealing with everything.” She pulled my shirt over her head and it fellto her mid-thigh. Then, she sat down beside me again and undid her pants as shesaid, “I called my parents after the paramedics left, and they came down tohandle the arrangements. I don’t even know what I did all day. I cleaned, Ithink, and made dinner. But I didn’t eat.”
Keeping busy. I knewwhat that was like, remembering those days following Beth’s passing. Theconstant need to push and to keep going, because the moment you stop, themoment you allow yourself to settle, that’s when the devil moves in and takesover.
“Well, come on, I’llmake you something.” I got up and headed to the door, as she pushed her jeansto the floor and stepped into the boxers. I couldn’t help but laugh at the waymy clothes engulfed her, like she’d shrunken, and looking down at herself, shefound herself laughing as well.
“I look ridiculous,” shemuttered, a lighthearted lilt lingering in her tone.
“You’re not trying toimpress anybody.”
“Oh, no?” She cockedher head as she pulled her hair into a sloppy ponytail.
“Nah.” I shook my head,taking her in. Falling harder, faster, and drifting into something serene andcomfortable all at the same time. “You’ve already impressed me.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
TESS
On thedarkest night of my life, the night I lost my superhero, he filled my worldwith laughter and love. I’m not sure it was intentional, or if it was simplyhim beinghim. But I wished sodesperately that I could turn back the hands of time, to have been there forhim duringhistime of need. To haveheld him, listened to him cry, and taken all his pain and made it my own.
Iloved him that much.
***