I tried not to focustoo much on the outfit and the way it hugged her curves inallofthe right places. I tried not to remember her naked and the way she’dfelt beneath me, or the way she’d breathed my name out against my ear. I’d doneso well, keeping the fantasies and memories at bay since that weekend, but nowmy fingers ached to plunge into herhairand Icouldn’t stop the longing to press myself against the full bloom of her hips.
Swallowing repeatedly,I turned to face the picture of Beth, hanging above the couch. She watched overus, always keeping an eye on what we were doing,howwe were doing. I felt the shame of knowing she was now watchingher husband lust over another woman. The woman he now wanted more than her, andI wondered if maybe she watched too much.
“You ready?” Tess askedme, slowly standing with Shelly’s hand tucked into hers.
I turned away from Betheasily, to face the warmth in Tess’s icy gaze, and nodded. “Yeah. I’m ready.”
***
Well, that was a lie. Because I clearlywas not ready.
As we pulled into thecircular driveway of myin-laws’house on the northshore of Long Island, the bowl of cereal I’d eaten for breakfast rolleduncomfortably through my gut and I was almost certain I was going to puke.Their large house sat majestically on a cliff, overlooking the Long IslandSound, and I knew from personal experience that sunsets from their backyardwere more beautiful than any postcard I’d ever seen.
“Whoa,” Tess exhaled,stepping out of the mini-van and staring up at the mansion I’d known all toowell. Even if it did feel like a lifetime ago. She shot a glance at me over theroof of the car and asked, “Your wife actually grew up here?”
“Yep.” I nodded,sliding the backdoor open. “You even more surprised now that she’d pick a guylike me?” I was teasing, I didn’t expect an answer, but Tess caught my gaze asshe opened the door opposite me.
“That doesn’t surpriseme,” she replied softly, like she was afraid someone might overhear.
I didn’t get the chanceto reply, as my brother snuck up behind me while I was getting Annabel andShelly out of their car seats. Jeff clapped my shoulder heartily and broughthis mouth close to my ear.
“You actually broughtyour hot babysitter?”
My nostrils flared withprimitive opposition, but I let my anger ebb as I forced a smile. “Yeah, Ifigured it’d be good for the girls to have her here. They don’t, uh, knowBeth’s parents that well.” The truth was, none of us did. Not anymore.
Jeff nodded withunderstanding. “Good call. But, seriously, how do you focus on anything whenshe’s around? I mean,lookat her—”
I shut him up with astern glare, reminding him wordlessly that he was standing right beside my veryyoung and very impressionable daughters who liked to repeat everything theyheard. Never mind that Tess could also likely hear everything if he raised hisvoice just a decibel more. Or that I didn’t want to hear another guy say thingslike that about her.
“Sorry,” he muttered,and then, as his expression turned somber, he asked, “Are you okay doing this?”
“Yeah. I’ll be fine.”And I think I almost believed that. Maybe he did, too.
Like prisoners in adeath march, we walked up to the heavy wood-and-stained-glass door. Fragmentedimagery played like a slideshow through my memory. Beth’s and my first kiss,right on this step. Picking her up for our first date and ringing this doorbellwith my shaking finger. My finger wasn’t shaking today, but my palms wereclammyand my throat was dry, and the same fear I felt somany years ago coiled again in my gut at the sight of her father behind thestained-glass window.
“Jonathan.” His tonewas ice, his glare was fire, and when he took my hand in some attempt to becivil, I wasn’t sure if I would freeze or go up in flames. “Good to see you.It’s been a long time.”
I wanted to snap at himand ask,who’s fault is that?Butthat wouldn’t be fair. I was as much to blame for the distance as they were,even if they were to blame for the years of insults and unwanted criticism.
“It’s nice to see you,too, Charles.”
He said hello to mybrother, managed a smile at the granddaughters he hardly knew, then his eyeslanded on Tess, and I saw the questions marring his features. His narrowed eyesand his pinched little mouth. He darted his accusing gaze between Tess and me,not saying a word, until I explained that she was the babysitter and that I’dasked her to be there for the girls.
“Hm,” he grunted,making his disapproval blatant, still shaking her hand, but only for a secondbefore dropping it like she was made of arsenic. Then, regarding us all, hedemanded, “Come in,” and we did.
“Wow,” Tess whisperedagainst my ear, and I nodded begrudgingly, watching the sturdy back of myfather-in-law as he led us into their sitting room.
My parents were alreadyseated, etched glasses in hand full of liquor and ice. Charles announced ourarrival with a lackluster grunt in the direction of his wife, Alice. I hadalways thought she was a beautiful glimpse into Beth’s future, withwhite-blonde hair and emerald green eyes. Now, all I saw was the shell of whatmy wife could’ve been, housing the spirit of a woman who could barely look mein the eye.
“Jonathan,” she greetedstiffly, extending a lithe hand that I reluctantly accepted.
“Alice.”
“Lovely for you tocome. We know how busy you are.”
I could never be sureif it was an intended jab, but it felt like one, reading in between the lines.Still, I didn’t flinch as I reminded her of her granddaughters’ names. Shecrouched stiffly before them, smiling as broad as she could, given the Botox.
“You girls have gottenso big since I last saw you,” she cooed, laying a hand to the sides of Lillyand Annabel’s cheeks. “You look just like your mother.” Lifting her green eyesto mine, she asked, “Don’t they, Jonathan?”
