“Let’spretend that we’re together,” he suggested. And immediately, I knew I was rightin thinking this was a bad idea.
Ishook my head. “This feels so much like a trap,” I muttered, yet I found myselfgiggling and tugging my bottom lip between my teeth with something that felt alittle like excitement.
“It’snot, I swear. I just want to see what it’d feel like.”
Surroundedby gardens, fountains, and monuments, I pulled in a breath of summer air. “Why?”
“Becauseyou said I remind you of the life you wanted, so let’s pretend that it’s thelife we both wanted. What kind of life would we have?”
Tighteningmy hand around his, I pinched my lips together and nodded. “Okay, um … speakingcompletely hypothetically, right?”
Sebastiannodded assuredly. “Oh, yeah.Completelyhypothetically.”
“Okay,”I relented. “Um, I think we’d live in a really nice house.”
“Whatdoes it look like?”
“Um,it’s big, but not so big that it’s overwhelming. We have enough space for yourdrums and my records, with plenty of space for Greyson to do his thing. And yourdamn chinchilla.” What I didn’t tell him was, I pictured Mrs. Worthington’shouse. The only place I could consider to be my dream home, if I ever had one.
“Wedon’t have much of a backyard,” he mused, nodding to himself. “I don’t know ifyou like that shit, but I hate taking care of it. So, I laid down some brick, builtsome raised gardens, put in a pool, and there’s a place for the dog to shit.That’s it.”
Ilaughed. “We have a dog? Dogs are a lot of work.”
“Greysonand I take care of the dog, so you don’t have to deal with him, but wedefinitely have a dog. Grey loves him,” Sebastian persisted.
Iagreed, nodding thoughtfully. “Okay, so we have a dog. What kind is it?”
“Labrador.His name is Dweezil.”
“OhG—”
Hishand squeezed mine as he tipped his mouth toward my ear. “It’s not up fordebate, Thumbelina. This is our life, so don’t fight it.”
Igroaned. “Fine, whatever. Are we married?”
Icouldn’t believe I said it. The question brought a moment of hesitation, and Iglanced up toward him. I expected to see fear and dread creasing the lines onhis face, but all I saw was a wistful gaze toward the New York City skyline, aswe continued to walk along the shrouded pathways.
“Yeah.”He nodded thoughtfully. “Of course. My mom bugged us forever until we finallygot it over with.”
“Yoursisters, Jess, and Alex were my bridesmaids, and uh, brides-man.”
“Greysonwas my best man.”
“Heloved that,” I said, surprised to find my throat constricting.
Weapproached a bridge, passing over a lake. Walking slowly, hand in hand, Iwatched the life we could have playing before my eyes like a movie I’d neverwant to stop watching. I knew then that I’d rewatch it every chance I got,whenever my world stopped feeling good enough. Whenever I felt like a strangerto myself, I’d have these false memories of another life, another time, wherethis all fit.
Reachingthe center of the bridge, Sebastian stopped walking and pulled me into his body.“We never have to hide that we’re together,” he said, pressing a palm to mycheek. His fingers slid up and into my hair, gripping with desperation.
“Freedom,”I whispered, nodding.
“Younever have to hide your tattoo, or your black and red toenails.” He lowered hisforehead to mine, taking my hand and pressing it to his chest. “And I tell you allthe time that I have never felt like this about anybody before in my fuckinglife, and it scares the shit out of me.”
Iclosed my eyes, breathing in the night. “I never feel like I can’t have this.”
“Inever feel like I can’t haveyou,” he replied, and captured my lips withthe tail end of his words.
Beneathmy hand I felt the prominence of his heartbeat. Every reverberation, channelingthe most inner part of myself I kept trying to shush with pant suits and nudenail polish. I wanted this, this life we built, but I knew, as his tongue tookmine and tangoed between our lips, I’d never be kissed like this again.
