“Good night, Aunt Tabs,”Greyson said, givingme a hug before turning to Sebastian with a hug for him as well. “Night, Dad.”
Atthe bottom of the stairs, we watched him walk up to his room, and I waited forthe door to be closed before looking to Sebastian. His usual fun, exuberantexterior had crumbled away to leave trails of tears streaming in jagged linesover his cheeks and into his beard. With more strength than I knew I possessed,I caught him before he sank to the floor and led him to the couch.
Itwas only then that I realized I was crying, too.
Ididn’t realize one little word could have such an effect.
Withhis arms around me and his head against my shoulder, Sebastian and I criedtogether without a single word uttered. A blended cocktail of grief and reliefspilled out over our shirts and into our hair. Moments passed before he liftedhis head and sought my lips, possessing my mouth with a passion beyondfriendship and casual fucking. His hands slipped from my back and into my hair,pulling my braid free and transforming me into the unkempt wild woman I couldonly be for him.
Greysoncould’ve caught us at any time, but I welcomed his hand, cupping my breast overthe t-shirt I wore to bed, and I initiated the shimmy out of my pants.Unzipping his jeans, he laid me down, kissing his forehead to mine as we fittogether in one, smooth stroke.
“Don’tsay when, Tabby,” he whispered, cupping my face in his palms. “I’m not what youwant, I know that. Just don’t say when.”
“That’snot how the song goes.” I searched his eyes, meeting his hips with mine, thrustfor thrust. “I’m supposed to make you promisenotto stop if I say—”
Heshook his head, lifting the corner of his mouth in a sad smile. “I know betterthan to promise you anything. Just don’t say when. Please. Not yet.”
“Okay.”I kissed his eyelids and his forehead, smoothing my hands through his hair, andas I wrapped my legs around his waist, I replied, “I won’t.”
***
Wewoke up on the couch, puffy-eyed and dry-mouthed. He lifted his head from mybreast and kissed me gently on the cheek before getting up and walking into thekitchen. With a glance at my phone, I saw that it was only seven in the morning,and I yawned, ready to head back to bed as Sebastian came in with a glass ofwater.
“Hashe ever said that before?” I asked, as he took a long sip from the glass beforehanding it to me.
“Onthe way over here last night,” he told me, nodding. His voice was alreadyedging on the brink of tears again. “He told me he loves me,” and the depth Iwas so used to hearing shot up an octave.
Smoothinga hand over his back, I pressed my forehead to his shoulder, kissing his arm.“Oh, Sebastian …”
Hesucked in a heavy breath. “I never thought he’d call me his dad. I got so usedto being called man or dude. Hell, I don’t think he’s ever even called me by myname.”
“Maybebecause he knew it’d be wrong,” I offered, stroking my hand down over his armand lacing my fingers with his.
Henodded affirmatively. “Yeah, probably. That makes sense. I just … I’d thoughthe was gone for all this time, and to now hear him call me his dad just …” Hewiped a hand over his face and laughed without humor. “God, I’m being fuckingridiculous. You’re probably like, ‘This fucking guy wakes me up to crash at myplace, and ends up blubbering like a baby.’”
“No,”I pressed, lifting my head and pulling him into my gaze, touching my palm tohis cheek. “You’re not ridiculous. You’re reacting exactly how I would’ve hopeda decent man would.”
Hiseyes held mine. “You think I’m decent.”
“Sebastian,you’re more than decent. You are …” I shook my head, stealing away from hisstare to look toward our tangled fingers. How could this feel so right, when Iknew how wrong it was? “You’re everything I shouldn’t want.”
“Andyet, here we are,” he whispered in a hoarse voice.
Icouldn’t reply. I could only nod and stand up, leading him up to my room andhoping Greyson slept in.
***
Iwalked into work bearing the weight of an identity crisis.
Foryears, I had worked on reinventing myself and learning to be comfortable in my newskin. I wore the appropriate business attire, I spoke in a polite andacceptable manner. I kept my sneakers and leather jacket in the closet,reserving them only for moments when I could unleash my inner self and be free.
Sebastianmade me feel free.
Hewas fun and honest with himself. He was everything I knew I couldn’t be. Ineeded to avoid the judgements of society in a business world. To live the lifeof a responsible adult and not fall victim to the same fates and stigmas as mysister, the single mother who could never relax or settle down. And look atwhat happened to her, proving my point in a twisted heap of metal after onefinal night of sex and drinking.
Itfelt cruel and wrong, that if I were to have met him at another point in mylife, maybe even at that concert, we could have been so right. We could havebeen perfect. We could have livedtogether in a world of rock stars andperpetual youth. And maybe that meant there never would’ve been a Greyson.Maybe there never would have been the accident that stole my sister’s life. Butthere would have been an us.
Andthat almost felt worth it.
