“Tabby,”I interrupted, propping myself up against the headboard, “this isn’t adifficult question. The first time you had sex with Barney—”
Shelaughed and rolled her eyes. “His name wasn’t—”
“William,Scott, Fred—whatever his name was, it doesn’t matter,” I sighed, pulling myhair back and into a ponytail at the base of my neck. “The first time you sleptwith him, were there fireworks? Did you hear a marching band? Did a unicorntake a big fucking dump in the middle of the bed? What was it about that timethat confirmed you wanted to fuck thatonedick for the rest of yourlife?”
Tabbyblew out an exhale through pinched lips and puffed cheeks. “Wow, okay, um … Iguess it was that it just feltright, as lame as that sounds. I mean, Ihad been with one other boyfriend before him and it was okay, but it never feltquite likethat.”
ThenI dared to ask, “But how do you know when itfeels right? What the helldo people even mean when they say that?”
Shelooked over me, right above my head. Toward the wall and beyond. Her eyes sparkledwith what I knew to be heartbreak. That was one feeling I could recognize.
“Iguess, um,” her lips pressed firmly together as she shrugged a shoulder and forceda smile, “when they feel like home? Or, uh, when you can’t imagine ever wantingto be with another person after them?” She wiped an escaped tear from her cheekand I outstretched my arm.
“I’msorry for asking,” I said gently, wrapping my arm around her shoulders as shesettled against me again.
“No,it’s fine,” she whispered, shaking her head, although tears kept slipping downher cheeks.
“Isit, though?”
Somecross between a sob and a laugh pushed through her lips as she shook her head.“No,” she admitted, “I don’t think I’ve been fine in a really long time.”
“Youcan, uh, talk about it, if you want,” I offered, not intending to sound asawkward as I did.
Tabbyshook her head, sniffling and laying her head against my shoulder. “No, it’sokay. I just … um, can I sleep in here tonight, maybe?”
Narrowingmy eyes toward the door, I cocked my head. “Uh, yeah, sure. I’ll just stayacross the—”
Witha watery laugh, she shook her head again, wrapping her arm around my waist. “Idon’t want you to leave, you moron. Sleep with me.”
Myexhale could’ve woken the dead. It practically left my chest concaved and mylungs shriveled. “Yeah, we can do that,” I agreed awkwardly. “Can I piss first,or uh …”
“Oh,right, go ahead.”
Tabbyrolled off me, and I got up from the bed quicker than if the damn thing weredoused in gasoline. I watched her slip underneath the sheets, settling againstthe pillows with tears continuing to zigzag slowly over her face. When she metmy eye, she smiled apologetically and wiped at her cheeks.
“I’msorry about … this. This probably isn’t what you wanted.” She bit her lip,diverting her gaze from mine.
“No,it’s cool. I’d rather you get it out than forcing yourself to just deal,” Ireplied honestly, and turned abruptly to walk into the bathroom. I closed thedoor behind me and immediately leaned my forearms against the vanity, lookingover the double sinks into the mirror.
Ifelt different. Hell, I evenlookeddifferent. A round or two ofmeaningless sex had a way of leaving me satisfied, ready to crawl back to thetour bus or my bed and nod off and sleep for twelve hours. But this? I wasshaken, not stirred, with my heart bumping maniacally in my chest. What did shesay about feeling at home? That’snotwhat this shit was. This was likebeing left out in the rain, under a torrential sky of thunder and lightning, andbegging to be let in.
Igripped the counter, staring into the eyes of the man in the mirror. He staredback angrily, pressing into my mind that he wasn’t a one-woman kind of guy. Hedidn’t date, didn’t go for seconds, and he sure as hell didn’t share the samebed.
Butfuck, it didn’t sound all that bad, did it? I mean, scary as hell, sure, butnotbad.
Iwent back to her after taking the promised piss. Eyes closed and breathingevenly, I thought she was already sleeping, but as I climbed under the sheets,her arm reached out for me.
“Hey,you okay?” she asked groggily.
“I’venever done this before,” I confessed.
“What?”Her hand smoothed over the hair on my chest, and it was like being pet. It wasnice.
“Sleptwith someone.” It sounded ridiculous and I chuckled, shaking my head. “God,that makes me sound like such a pussy.”
“Wait,like … never? You’veneverspent the night with a woman?”
“Nope,”I laughed. “I’ve always slept alone, unless you count camping trips with mysisters. But I was like, eight or something.”
