Hereleased my chin and sat down on the couch. He looked to me expectantly,wanting me to sit beside him, and I did. I kept some safe distance between us,and he only smiled. “It’s still me, Kylie. We’re still us.”
“No,”I said, shaking my head. “We’re not.”
“Isthat a good or bad thing?” he asked, watching me intently.
Ileaned forward, rubbing my hands against my face before dropping them to mylap. “Devin, I don’t know. Ireally just… I don’tknow.”
“That’sfine,” he said, nodding, as he pushed a hand through his hair. My fingers achedto mirror the action and I sat on my hands. “I don’t need you to know rightaway, but I’m making no secret about how I feel anymore. It’s out. We can’t goback now.”
Anagonizing truth rang in those words:we can’t go back now. He’d madesure of that by walking into the apartment with every intention of putting astop to what we had been. The good, comfortable thing we had, and suddenly, Iwas angry. Sad, even.
Hottears pricked at my eyes and I tugged my lower lip between my teeth. “I didn’t…” I began, only for my emotions to strangle my words. I swallowed. “I didn’task you to do this. I didn’twantthings to change. I was happy, I was—”
Hebarked with laughter, shaking his head. “You’re happy? Really? What—no, wait—who,who made you happy?Nate?”
“Thishas nothing to do with—”
“No,it doesn’t have anything to do with him. It never had anything to do withanyof the guys you’ve dated, and I can’t believe I never saw it before.”
“Sawwhat? What did youseethat you had to come in here tonight and ruineverything?” I glanced at him through the corner of my eye, hating myself forbeing angry. I despised myself for not giving in to everything I had felt foryears, but I had been too used to fighting. Too accustomed to the war tosurrender so easily. I was so scared of giving in, of giving up, only to losehim when it went tragically wrong.
“Thatit’s been me making you happy.Me!Fuck… I mean, we have beenwith other people, fulfilling some … someneedwe convinced ourselves wecouldn’t get from each other. But I always came home to you, and you alwayscame home to me,” he shook his head and gestured out toward the apartment. “Imean, this isn’t two people cohabitating together, Kylie. This place is us,together.I mean, no wonder your boyfriends hated me so much. I didn’t see it then, butnow?”He bit the corner of his lip and chuckled. “Kind of hard to be with a chickwhen she’s committed to some other guy, you know?”
Myeyes closed to my present, and I was faced with the treasured past. A vision ofDevin on that first night we met, at that party neither one of us wanted to beat. With his shaggy hair, his chocolate eyes and his voice that made meforget, andmade me hope. It made me feel alive, made mehold on. I reminded myself that had things been different then, had my lifebeen less distracting, never,everwould I have caged that beautifulthing into the borders of friendship.
Ireminded myself of that night by the lake. The moment in which I grasped ontothe hope that he would kiss me, that everything I knew we were would finallycome to be.
Then,that afternoon in the sunlit field behind the cemetery on the darkest day.All ofthose daisies, whispering their reassurances that Dadwas okay, and Devin …
Goddammit,Devin was the only one to makemeokay. Always.
Themoments were copious, all tucked away in a heart-shaped box I kept in my mind.They were memories I held at night, after sending a boyfriend home. I had dreamedof the day he would confess his feelings for me, of the day I’d finally bebrave enough to throw caution to the wind and tell him I’ve only ever wantedhim, and now …
AllI could think was, how fucking happy I was, that he decided to come home and puta stop to the lies we’d been telling ourselves for years.
“Whyhave we been so stupid?” I finally managed to croak through the stones lodgedin my throat. I turned to him, giving up the fight against the tears glazing myeyes. A cocktail of fear and relief trickled over my cheeks as I timidly movedcloser.
“No.Not stupid,” he said, cautiously cupping my cheek in his warm palm. “Justafraid of losing something we couldn’t live without.”
Inodded. “I’ve lost too much, Dev. I can’t lose you.”
Hestroked the callused pad of his thumb over my cheekbone. “I’m not goinganywhere.”
Hisfingers pushed into the strands of my forever-purple hair, and my eyelidsfloated shut as a gasp whispered past my lips. I stiffened under his touch, andhe softly said, “Relax, I’m not going to bite.”
Ianxiously giggled, pinching bits of my shorts between my fingers. “Oh, I don’tknow about that,” I said, my voice strained and shaking. “I’ve had to listen toyou have sex a few times too many. Thin walls.”
Heshifted on the couch. I bit my bottom lip, waiting with eyes closed. He pressedhis forehead to mine, and in a whisper, he said, “I’m sorry. If I had known …if I’d had any clue …” He shook his head. “I’m a fucking asshole, and I’msorry.”
Iraised a hand, felt for the rough stubble along his jaw, and my palm conformedto his cheek. “I’m sorry too. For Nate, and …”
Hetook a slow, deep breath and said, “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
Thiswas it. My heart knew. It told my brain in a hammered chorus of thumps andpumps, and with the nudge of his hot breath against my skin, my lips parted.His fingers tangled further into my hair, his nose grazed over mine, and I heldmy breath.
Hisjaw tensed under my touch. “Fuck,” he muttered through gritted teeth and hepulled away.
Myeyes snapped open as he stood up. “What?” I asked, startled and abandoned.
