Billyeyed the queen in his hand, pursed his lips, then glanced up at me again. “Sayingyou take things seriously, doesn’t mean youhandlethem seriously,Devin.”
“Idon’t know what the hell that means.”
Billylicked his lips and blew out a breath as he shifted his gaze toward the window.An old man walked by,hand-in-handwith an old woman,along the flower-bordered pathway. They were smiling and gazing at each otherwith this kind of fairytale adoration that brought about a familiar ping oflonging in my chest.
Mygrandfather turned back to me and sighed. “You don’t play the carefree bachelorvery well.”
“Oh,here we go.” I shook my head, scratching the back of my neck. “It always comesback to this shit.”
“Look… Devin … you talk about your dreams and wanting to pursue them, and that’sgreat, but—”
Inodded and thrust a hand toward him. “You can’t say anything when that’sexactly what you did.”
Billynodded, emphasizing each movement of his head. “Yes. Yes, I did. But thedifference between the two of us, is that Idid. You? You talk a lot ofshit, but you’re still working the same job, and you’re still picking up arandom girl every now and then when your hand’s not good enough.”
“Well,that’s gross,” I muttered, glancing around the room to see if anybody hadoverheard the conversation.
“Iagree!” he exclaimed, slapping his hands against the table. “But is that notwhat you do?” I diverted my gaze, pinching my lips between my teeth. Billypointed at me again. “That’s what I thought.”
Itwas times like these when I wondered why I played the good grandson and visitedthe old man every week. These discussions about the way I lived my life and thereminder that I was stuck in a perpetual loop.
“Youlive half a life,” Billy said, and I looked up at him, struck by words hehadn’t said before. They pricked holes into my skin and burrowed in.
Therewas a song there.
“Youhave a tremendous amount of talent. I’ve seen it in you since you were notaller than this table. That’s why I got you that guitar. You had that fire inyour eyes and music in your soul. I mean, I remember, I’d put on one of thoseBB King records and you would lose your mind …” He shook his head, smilingfondly into the distance. “Not everybody gets that way, you know.”
Inodded. “Yeah, no shit.”
“Yourfather never got it. He’d listen to music, he’d appreciate it, but he didn’tfeelit. Your grandmother, though? She felt it,” and he winked. “That’s why I pickedher.”
Myspine tensed at the thought of Grandma. A wild woman with a fresh passion forlife. Her clothes smelled of patchouli and jasmine, her stacks of braceletsplayed a tune every time she moved her arms, and when her hair turned white,she had embraced it with grace.
Shedied before I met Kylie, but I knew she would have loved her.
“That’swhy you picked your girl too,” he said. “But what sets us apart is that, when Isaw your grandmother in the crowd at one of my gigs, I went right up to her andtold her I was going to marry her. You keep that girl at arms’ length, and youdo the same thing with your guitar.”
“Youjust know everything. Don’t you?” I said, quirking one side of my mouth into abitter smile. “And Idoplay my gigs,” I quickly tossed in.
Hepursed his lips with a nod. “That’s true. You certainly do that, and that’s atleast something, but I know you only do it because Kylie makes you.”
Ilaughed, succumbing. “Yeah, you’re right about that, but I made the promise I’dplay at the coffee shop, and I keep my promises.”
Billyfolded his weathered arms on the table, tipping his head and eyeing me withchallenge in his eyes. “Then makemea promise.”
“What’sthat?”
“Stopliving your life half-assed. Stop fucking around andbewith her. Imean, for crying out loud, you’re practically married already. You’ve beenliving together for years, but—”
“Weonly still live together because we make a good team,” I interjected, and herolled his eyes.
“That’swhat you tell yourselves to make it hurt less when you’reboinkingother people,” he said, and with a jump of his brows, he threw in, “Justimagine how much better it’d be if you just did it together?”
?
Mygrandfather wasn’t always the most philosophical person, so when hemade an attempt, he wasn’t always the most eloquent. Butthat last part, that thing he eventually made me promise to …
Therewas something about that, something that really rang true in my head.
