Mom shook her head, her mug hitting the tablein a declaration that she was about to say something simultaneously annoyingand truthful in the way only a mother can.
“This isn’t about being shallow, okay? Let’sforget that he’s rich, famous, and incredibly beautiful.” Liz shoved the phoneat her. “I get it, Elizabeth!I’mwell aware of what he looks like, butlet’s justpretendhe’s not any of those things. The fact here is that,Holly, you enjoyed his company for months. You said yourself that you hadfeelings for him, didn’t you? You had a great day with him, and he committedhimself to you, and you’re—what? Going to pretend that never happened becausehe didn’t want to flaunt the fact that he’s a celebrity?”
“It’s really easy for you all to judge whenyou’re not in this situation,” I mumbled, staring blankly into my untouchedtea.
“So, thenexplainit to us,” Estherpleaded, reaching over to place a frail hand gently on my arm. “Because fromwhere we stand, honey, you’re looking like a fucking idiot.”
I withdrew from her touch and she pulled backwithout the slightest hint of being hurt or startled. Instead of being gratefulto have such a wonderful friend and family, I stood up from the table with mymug and spilled its contents out into the sink. I geared myself up for a grandexit to my room, and away from these people that were only going to shoot downany explanation I had.
Slamming the cup onto the counter, I found thesound of the ceramic against the countertop to be louder than expected and itstartled even me, causing all of us to flinch. But I stood there unwavering,determined to not skip a beat as I readied myself to leave them in the dust ofmy anger.
“He…lied …to …me.”I enunciated every one of the words in a tone that I hoped would scare thesense into them. “He tookadvantageof my ignorance and used the factthat I had no clue who he was against me. How cananyof you expect meto just crawl back to him and tell him it’s okay to do that to someone?” Mychin wobbled fiercely with the images of his tears suddenly rushing in. Hecertainly hadn’t looked like someone who thought it was okay, but he had doneit anyway. “He … He built me up to feeling likesomeoneagain, and toreme the fuck down. I’mnobody, and all I want is for him to know whatthat feels like for one fucking second and I can’t even dothat! Becausethere are millions of people out there who can keep that from happening to him,but it tooknothingto remind me that I’m just a fucking speck forpeople to lie to and walk all over.”
My feet moved me quickly from the kitchenthrough the living room and down the hall to my room, ignoring their pleas tocome back. I stopped myself from slamming the door behind me, my consciencereminding me that Anna was still sleeping only two rooms down. I threw myselfon the bed as a startled Camille jumped off and scurried underneath, peeringout from the darkness to wait for the hurricane to pass. My face buried into apillow, catching the remnants of TobaccoVanille. Nowa tainted scent, I threw it to the floor with a disgusted grunt followed by adownpour of tears.
My arms captured the memory of being wrapped aroundhim in my bed, remembering the fragmented night of regurgitating my stupidchoices while he held my hair and carried me back to bed repeatedly. I couldn’trecall just how many times he brought me back to a place of calm with hisgentle strokes against my back and his soothing words in my ear, but howevermany I remembered, I struggled to come up with any ulterior motive. AndGod,I wanted there to be one. I wanted to conjure something up that would furtherruin any memory of him, but I came up empty.
I remembered what he said, that if he had onlywanted a quick fuck, he had his pick of them. My stomach churned at thethought; armies of women conjuring up fantasies of doing with him exactly whatI had done. I envisioned them hanging all over him, throwing themselves at himlike disposable dolls, and if what he had said was true, he turned them alldown, and yet …
He chose me.
Camille felt safe again, jumping up next to meand flopping herself down against my thigh. I pulled her up towards me, buryingmy face into her fur before hiccupping a sob against her body.
“I really am a fucking idiot,” I whispered intoher fur, and I wondered if my pride would ever allow me to admit that tohim.
CHAPTERTHIRTY-ONE
HOLLY
Since that night, I hadtried to avoid any mention of him, which Ifound to be difficult once I began looking.
Ifound his picture on the latest cover ofPeople, just staring out at mefrom the magazine racks while I waited with Anna to pay for my daily pint ofice cream at the grocery store. The cashier had seen the look of shock as Ipulled the magazine from its spot on the wire display, and she gave me acheerful nod.
“He’sgorgeous, right?” she said, gushing appropriately over the picture.
Brandon’shair had been straightened and I assumed blown out by a professional, and withhis bristly chin tilted under, bright blue eyes stared up under his loweredbrows with the intensity of a wolf.
“Hiseyes aren’t reallythatbright,” I said with a polite smile, while I playedback a memory of that very chin grazing along the inside of my thigh.
Anothernight, flipping through channels, I stumbled on a repeat episode ofTheTonight Showand just so happened to find myself staring at an interview ofBrandon from sometime over the summer. He and Jimmy Fallon talked like oldfriends sharing a beer at a BBQ, and the thought popped into my head that,Jesus Christ, he mightactuallyhang out with him.
Ihad turned the TV off with little desire to torture myself further and realizedthat there was no escaping him. Even my normal routine of going to Reade’s hadbecome contaminated. I guess I should have expected that to an extent, but Ididn’t expect for Bill or Jessie to gaze at me sadly, as though I were the onethat got away fromthem. Scott even insisted on continuing to give me mylavender Earl Grey on the house, saying that Brandon would have wanted it thatway, as though the guy had ceased to exist.
Andin a way, he had. He had stopped coming to the bookstore, according to Bill andhis family who asked with concern if I had seen him lately. Bill told me itwasn’t like him to disappear without warning, and according to Jessie, othersaround town hadn’t seen him either. They had worried me enough to pass by hishouse, just to see if his car was at least in the driveway, and it goes withoutsaying that I had found the driveway empty. I allowed myself a moment to betroubled by his disappearing act, but only a moment, and I went back to thedifficult task of forgetting him.
Forall intents and purposes, it shouldn’t have been all that difficult. Aside fromthe mentions of him at Reade’s, it was almost as though he had never happened.My compadres had resorted to never bringing him up—ever. Not a mention, not asingle word. I guess they assumed it would be too painful for me to be remindedof what I lost—what I gave up—but to go on as though he never was proved to bealmost as difficult as forgetting about him.
Butat least life brought with it some distractions. Anna provided a daily retreatfrom my mental torment, Esther provided her usual banter, and Liz …
Well,Liz was something else entirely.
Lizhad perplexed me with some pretty mysterious behavior. Late work nights, shiftyconversation, and too many phone calls locked away in her bedroom. I wasgrowing more and more suspicious, with my mind leaning towards somethingromantic, and that particular night was no exception as she ran into the houseafter work, her heels clicking across the floor and down the hallway to herroom. Not a word was spoken to either of us, and Anna and I glanced at eachother, wearing the same perplexed expression over our fourth rousing game ofCandyLand.
“What,nothing happened today? No new patients with halitosis?” I called after hersuspiciously. Anna glanced up at me from the board game, and I shrugged at herbefore spinning the wheel. “Darn, looks like you win again, kiddo.”
Aknock on the front door startled us both as Anna’s figure crossed the finishline to the Candy Castle. Assuming it was Esther, because who else would it be,I got up from the floor, ignoring the popping in my knees, and withoutbothering to look through the window, I threw the door open.
“Andwhat the hell do you want?” I asked with a laugh as the door swung open. “O-oh,my God, I thought you were someone else. Um—Esther. I thought you were Esther.”