***
Thenext day Anna and I had busied ourselves with baking Christmas cookies—anotherbittersweet moment to add to the scrapbook. Just a year before, Stephen and Ihad baked them together, as we did traditionally, allowing ourselves a rousingduet of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” and a lovely slow dance to “Have Yourself aMerry Little Christmas” while the cookies baked to perfection. We laughed overour tongue-in-cheek gingerbread men as “Jingle Bells” played, and we cuddledaround the yule log blazing on our TV screen with cups of hot cocoa spiked withBailey’s Irish Cream, as an elevator version of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”tinkled in the background.
AsI rolled out the dough for Anna to squish her cookie cutters into, I caughtmyself feeling a little emotional, wondering if Stephen was baking his owncookies with Anthony and if he was thinking about me while he stuck littlecandy cane penises onto gingerbread.
Isighed through my festive sadness. Christmas always has a cruel way ofreminding you of all the things you forgot you missed.
Lizreturned home with a bag of presents from her co-workers at Dr. Martin’soffice. I had to admit I was a little jealous as she pulled out the tins ofbaked goods and token gifts, missing my own Christmas party atTeen Queen.Not that it was ever a particularly fun time; my former boss would hand out ascented candle to everybody, we’d eat some food, maybe have a few drinks, andgo on our merry way. But still, it was a holiday party, and babysitters didn’tget those
Andas my thought process traveled through people and things I was missing, Brandonfilled my mind, pushing everything else aside with his perfect hair, velvetvoice, and expensive cologne. I had seen him only once since I started seeingBen. It was as though he had been purposely avoiding me, and although he hadinsisted that wasn’t the case, I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was lyingto me.
Byall accounts, Ben should have filled the void he had left with his absence, butI missed my friend. I missed the way he always made me feel better withouttrying. I missed the way he could build me up to something when I felt likenothing. I missed the way he smelled, and the way his arms felt when he pulledme in for a hug, and the way his lips felt on my cheek …
Imissed the guy I insisted was just my friend, and asAlvin & TheChipmunkscrooned through the speaker in Liz’s kitchen, I found thatnothing had made me sadder than that.
***
Clutchinga tin of Christmas cookies in my hands, I hurried into Reade’s out of the cold,wishing my sort-of-wool coat provided me with a little more warmth against the winterchill. But within seconds, the ice around my bones thawed and my lips curledinto a smile at the sight of Brandon, despite that he was clearly about toleave the store with a cup of coffee in hand. Seeing him walking in mydirection was enough to lift my spirits away from everything else I had spentthe evening missing with painful reminiscence.
“MerryChristmas, stranger,” I said, just as our paths met.
Hishug surprised me, after the way he had been not-avoiding me for over a month.But he wrapped his arms around me, holding me to his chest as a hand cupped theback of my head. He held me as though he had just returned home from battle,his heart beating hard but steady inside his chest and against my ear.
“MerryChristmas, Holly,” he said with his chin resting on top of my head. He spoke ina low, gruff voice that made me shiver despite being wrapped in my coat and thewarmth of his arms.
Ireluctantly pulled away from him, but not before inhaling his cologne, and Iasked him what he was doing for the holiday. All he said was that he would bespending it with Nick, and without thinking, I invited him to my parents’house. Clearly touched, his cheeks flushed and he thanked me for the offer, butthat it was a little too last minute to blow off his friend—and yeah, I mighthave felt a little rejected.
“AndI’m sure you’re spending time with your boyfriend. Not sure how he’d feel aboutanother man hanging around,” he threw in, eyes narrowing with suspicion, andinstantly my crappy coat was too hot for comfort.
Iopened my mouth to tell him I wouldn’t be seeing Ben, who wasn’t my boyfriend,when I saw Bill approaching. He was wearing an incredibly loud Fair IsleChristmas sweater that blinked with colored LED lights, and with the smile hewore, I could tell it was one of the best things he had ever spent hishard-earned money on.
“MerryChristmas, Ho-Ho-Ho-lly!” he shouted, pleased withhis creative butchering of my name. “Bet you haven’t gotten that one before,huh?”
“Onlyevery year since my dad thought of it,” I whispered to Brandon before rushingto give Bill a hug.
“Areyour parents’ big fans of Christmas?” Bill asked, wrapping his arms around metightly. “Because your name is pretty festive, isn’t it?”
Ilaughed, and handed him the tin of cookies. “Anna and I made these for you,” Isaid with a smile, “but you have to share them with Jessie and Scott. Annainsisted.”
“We’llsee about that,” Bill laughed, and then his eyes floated upward and a cheekysmile spread across his face, emphasizing the deep-set lines at the corners ofhis bright eyes. “Hey, don’t look now, kids, but I think you two are standingunder the mistletoe.”
Andas though the woman had bionic hearing, Jessie came bounding over from the BookNook to come see that, yes, we were indeed standing under thefreakin’ mistletoe.
“Ooh!I told that Debbie Jefferson I could get people under the mistletoe! She said,‘Jessica, there is no way you’re going to get anybody to go along with thatgarbage, so get rid of it,’ but look at you!” she exclaimed, clapping her handstogether with enthusiasm, causing the bells on her wrists and sweater to jinglea tune that was simultaneously festive and irritating.
“Hey,I haven’t committed to anything,” Brandon laughed doubtfully, but he turned tome and cocked a suggestive eyebrow.
“Oh,but you wouldn’t want to break tradition!” Bill exclaimed jovially, and Jessiereached to grip his hand, clasping it between hers.
Brandontwisted his lips thoughtfully, his eyes never leaving mine. “Well, now thatwould be a shame.”
Icould feel my cheeks burning as I looked up at him. “Ican’t,” I hissedin a whisper. Ben and I hadn’t discussed what we were, but we had also neverdiscussed kissing other people under mistletoe. Together or not, the wholething screamed “unfaithful” to me.
“Iknow, but …” He shrugged nonchalantly. “You wouldn’t want to break tradition,would you?” Brandon took a step toward me, causing my breath to hold in mylungs. “Plus, we’re just friends, right?”
Thesad look in his eyes seemed to say something entirely different, but he smiledtauntingly as he craned his neck with a slight bend of his back, bringing hisface closer to mine.
Myeyes rolled in a regrettable display of indifference as I groaned, “Okay,fine,” and my stomach lurched with the sudden onset of nerves, as I closed myeyes.
