No,what I needed was him, and there he was, as though he were planted exactlywhere I needed him, when I needed him.
Healways is.
Pullinginto the driveway, I sighed at the dark house. I imagined my sister cuddledinto her bed with my niece sleeping in the room next to her. I could see thelittle room I called my own, with its small bed, Stephen’s old dresser, a deskfrom Ikea, and a TV. The sadness of it all made me think of it more asHarryPotter’s little cupboard of a room underneath the stairs, and I wondered ifI could ever have that life I had described to Brandon. The luxurious life ofliving in a Brightwaters house on the lake and a couple of kids. I mean, ithappened to people, didn’t it? But then again, I assumed a man like that lookedfor a trophy wife, and well, that sort of explained why Brandon only wanted meas a friend.
Hollyfreakin’ Hughes. Consolation prize.
Ientered the house, closing the door behind me softly and undid my heels beforetiptoeing to my room. Camille slept peacefully on the bed, only stirring alittle as I sat down next to her in the dark room. The dress felt as though itwere strangling me, clinging to every unfortunate roll and imperfection thatJames clearly noticed right away, but I couldn't be bothered taking it off. AllI wanted was to lie down and let my head hit the pillow after an exhaustingnight.
***
Handsshook my shoulders a hair below what I would considered violent. My lidsflipped open to see Liz standing over me. Her face displayed a look of concernand anger, and at that moment, the memories from the night before came rushingback to me all at once. I glanced downward, taking note that I was stillwearing the evening gown.
Hollyfreakin’ Hughes. Totalfreakin’wreck.
Isat up, suddenly alert. Liz was running late for work, no thanks to me, but sheinsisted that I tell her what had happened the night before. I managed to fitit all into a very small nutshell—a pistachio, really—and it wasn’t all thathard to do. All I had to say was the douchebag saw me and high-tailed it thehell out of there.
“Whywould hedothat?” she asked, her perfectly plucked browsknitting together with question.
“BecauseI’m hideous.” I finished my tale of woe with a heavy sigh and Liz wrapped herarms around me. "And I'm a babysitter. Who the hell wants athirty-one-year-old babysitter?"
Sheassured me that I wasn’t in fact hideous. “In fact,” she stated, “you’re one ofthe most beautiful women I’ve ever known.” I appreciated the sentiment, butcome on, she was my sister and one of my best friends. Shehadto saythings like that out of obligation.
“Besides,he’s only one guy. I bet there are tons of others online that wouldkillto be with you,” she said with a little too much optimism.
Except,I neglected to add, I was finished with online dating. One failed attempt wasenough; just like one cheating ex-boyfriend was plenty, thanks.
“So,what did you end up doing then? You came home pretty late,” she mused, liftingan accusing eyebrow.
“Oh,I just spent some time with Brandon,” I said nonchalantly.
“Mm-hmm,”she said with a smirk, “I figured.”
Therewas nothing wrong with spending a crappy night with a friend to cheer yourselfup, and I chose to not honor that comment with a response as she finishedgetting her things together.
Aftershe had finally made it out the door, an hour late for work, Anna and I ate adelayed breakfast of pancakes and bacon. She thought it was a special treat,and sure, I suppose it was, but it was more for me than her. A bad datedeserved a good breakfast.
Weamused ourselves with three rousing games of Candy Land (all of which Annagraciously won), and then it was a lunch of peanut butter and jelly. We watcheda few episodes ofDora the ExplorerandPeppaPigbefore it was time for her nap, and as she slept, I wandered outsidewith the baby monitor to see what Esther was up to. I brought along myStyrofoam to-go container concealing my complimentary dessert from Bankers. Weate the rich and delicious chocolate cake on her steps while I told her aboutwhat had happened on the date.
“Whata disgusting prick.” She pursed her thinned lips and lowered her wispy browsinto a look of sheer rage. “I could shove my canerightup his gorgeousass. I’m so sorry, honey. People can be such assholes sometimes.” I shruggedsadly, nodding. I guess Esther took that as my surrender because she quicklyadded, “Oh, but honey, there are so many men out there. You’ve only been on onedate.” She smiled as though she had just said the magic words to turn thiswhole thing around. “And remember, you did get that one guy to make out withyou. That’s something.”
“Exceptit was nothing but a way to land me in the friend-zone,” I pointed out. Esthershrugged her response. “And I am done finding guys online. I can’t handleanother date like that.”
“Becauserunning away is a great way to solve things.” She shook her head with a scowl.
“Yeah,well, better to run away than run head-first into another night of tears andgreasy diner food.” I flashed Esther the baby monitor, showing her the stirringAnna. “Igottahead back.”
“Ah,yes, must attend to your duties and leave me sitting here alone. I might bedead tomorrow, you know.” She wagged a finger at me.
Eyeroll. “Uh-huh.”
Ikissed her on the cheek and began the long walk home to find the cherry thatwas to be on top of my no good, very bad day sundae.
Somewherebetween Esther’s front stoop and Anna’s room, Anna had ripped her NaptimeDiaper off and I found her sitting in the middle of her room, completely naked,and covered in poop—and I mean,covered. From head to toe.Betweenher toes. In her hair. In her—oh,God, in her nostrils and ears and—
JesusChrist, it was in her mouth.
Iwanted to die. Right there in that room. I wanted to just collapse and die.
