Lizshrugged, still wearing her wistful smile. “No, you made a connection with aguy, and there were fireworks. That’s like something right out of a book or amovie.” The wistful smile morphed into something I interpreted as smug. “You’llend up together, you’ll see.”
Irolled my eyes in response.
Inmy dreams.
“I’mjust happy you took my advice and found a handsome man to sleep with,” Estherchimed in.
“Oh,my God.” I sighed heavily, covering my eyes with a hand. “I didn’t sleep withhim.
“Well,maybe you didn’t, but at least you allowed yourself to have a little fun,” shepointed out and nudged me with a bony elbow. “Heishandsome,right?”
Ithrew my head back dramatically. “God, yes,” I groaned before laughing.“Handsome isn’t even how I’d describe him. He’s more,” I paused to sigh, “beautiful.”
Estherand I giggled together, and with the assumption that the topic had beendropped, I pushed myself from the table and prepared to stand up. That was whenI noticed Liz with her chin still resting on her hand; she was glaring at mewith a little smile and an accusing look in her eyes.
“What?”I asked, tilting my head to the side.
“So,youdolike him?”
"What?"I repeated with exasperation. She raised her eyebrows and gave me that littletelltale smile that told me she knew the deepest secrets of my soul. “I said hewas attractive, Liz. I didn’t say I wanted to marry him.”
Sheshrugged and pulled her gaze away from me. The table was apparently moreinteresting. “Okay … but maybe you jumping his bones was a sign that you’reready to, you know, move on.”
"Liz,I'mnotready.Definitelynot ready. I think about Stephen toomuch to move on. Imisshim too much to move on."
Iexpected maybe a bit of arguing from her, but I didn't expect for her to laugh.It was a condescending, sniffling sort of laugh. The kind that suggested sheknew better than me. It was also the kind that made me want to pull her hairand run home to my mom, but I refused to stoop to that level of immaturity. Soinstead I asked what the hell was so funny.
"Thething is, I think youareready and that's why subconsciously youdecided to throw yourself at this guy." She watched me for a few moments,I guess waiting to see if I would explode in her face at the accusation. When Ididn't so much as blink, she boldly added, "I think maybe you were hopingit would be a little more than just one little hook-up."
“Ormaybe I just haven’t gotten laid in a year and a half, and Brandon is obscenelyhot,” I pointed out.
“Ooh,it’s Brandon now, huh?” Esther teased.
Weboth ignored the old woman while Liz went on. “Please, that’s not you. Youmight want that to be you, but it’s not. Even if in the moment you wanted tosleep with him, there was a part of you that really wanted the … I don’tknow—the companionship, I guess, of being in a relationship. I mean, you made aconnection with him before you kissed him. You said you talked for hours. So,maybe you were acting more onthatand not just the supposed fact thathe’s hot.”
Oh,little sister, there’s nothing“supposed”about it.
Ishifted uncomfortably in my seat, touching my lips absentmindedly. I couldstill feel the coarse stubble of his facial hair raking against my skin as ourlips massaged each other in a way that makes movie-goers breathless and longfor something like that of their own. There had been something more there.Something that seemed to come from somewhere in my gut. Something that said itwas right, and not just because it felt so damn good.
Unlessit was just something I had conjured up due to being so damn vulnerable, whichwas certainly a possibility—no,morethan a possibility.
Isighed, dropping my hand to the table and rolling my lips between my teeth,erasing the ghost of his mouth on mine. Maybe Liz was right. But maybe, insteadof a boyfriend, all I needed was a companion, afriend. After all, asidefrom him being an incredible kisser, the most memorable part of the night wasthe conversation. The way he talked to me as though he had known me forever.The way he listened as though I were the only other person on the planet.
Hehad made me feel important. When was the last time someone had made me feelthat way?
Maybehe’s exactly the friend I need. If we can move beyond our near-sex experience.
***
"’Thereonce was a spoon namedSpoony.’"
Annawas curled up on the floor at my feet, her head propped comfortably on Giraffe.She slept soundly, and thus granted me with a break that was more needed thanusual.
Annahad started her day by rolling out of bed and onto the floor with a thud. Imade an educated guess that the rude awakening was an indication of what therest of our day would be like. And as luck would have it, I had been provenright shortly after, when she refused to eat anything for breakfast unless itwas cake. I caved and compromised with a doughnut, hoping that she would be ina better mood once food was in her belly. But our morning had been filled withwhining and a refusal to get dressed without an appropriate amount of struggle.
Peopledon't give child care providers enough credit.
Withmy own book laid out on my lap, I found myself spacing out and staring blanklyahead of me at the walls of shelves, stuffed with books. Each one seemed tomelt into the other as I drifted peacefully into a memory of Stephen taking meon a hunt for a book he wanted to buy for his brother’s birthday. It was such atrivial memory, painfully mundane, but those were some of my favorite momentswith him. I could still see the playful smile as he leaned in to kiss mebetween the shelves, the way his hands slid along my arms to interlock hisfingers with mine. The smile had never left his lips when he backed away, hishands still holding mine. He looked into my eyes, said, “Holly, I love you morethan anything.”
