You know that part in the song,Turn The Pageby Metallica, right before the drummer shows out?
Those four beats of silence…
That’s what it feels like right before the light turns green on the track, right before I jerk the throttle back on my Suzuki and put my feet on the pegs.
I’m sitting at the go line. The hired rider next to me looked nervous before he put his helmet on. He just glanced at me. I would have loved to have gotten inside his head, but after I saw his eyes, there wasn’t really any point.
I lay down on my bike and take a look down the track, into the nothing that is waiting for me. The glow of the red light is holding me in place. I count the four beats and the light turns green. With that, I pull the throttle back on my GSXR, take off, and put my feet on the pegs. I completely let my intuition take over.
This.
This right here.
This is what I live for.
This is what I love to do.
This feeling of splitting through the air. It’s a high. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It feels like flying even when I’m still, literally, on the ground. This is always what I need. It’s all I need.
However, this time, like many times before, I get lost to the dark. I feel myself slip, so I pull the throttle back more and I feel the bike cut loose. No amount of speed is keeping the darkness away though. I go even faster. I still can’t shake it. It’s not following me. It’s ridingwithme.
I get to the end of the track and pull my hand off the gas. I make my turn to head back to the starting line. I don’t know if I won. In this moment, I don’t care. I’m doing my best to shake myself out of the self-doubt and the deep hole I’ve fell into.
“Shit,” I mutter as I get closer to my team. They are going to know something happened. I can’t hide from them.
I get back and pull my helmet off, I see Ron and I know he knows. I almost feel ashamed, but it isn’t something I can help, and I know that. He knows that too.
“That was one hell of a race, boy.” Ron slaps me on the back while he takes my helmet from me. I look around and finally notice the crowd. They are chanting my name. I look back at Ron and he has a small smile on his face.
“Did this have anything to do with the money man?” Ron asks.
I shake my head. I don’t really know where the darkness came from. It’s not something that happens often anymore, and to be honest, I’m not having a hard time right now. Life is good. I’ve been in the light and I’m thriving.
“Are you ok?” Ron is keeping his voice down, but I can hear the concern.
I don’t want to talk to him about it, but I know I need to. I don’t do well with feelings. I can help others with theirs. I just can’t talk about my own.
When my feelings are questioned, I usually go running.
I take a deep breath and then look at Ron. “I don’t know what happened man. I was in the race, zoned out. Then the darkness settled on top of me. I snapped out of it when I reached the end, and I was all good. I feel like I’m ok, but the thoughts, the feelings, everything came out of nowhere. It came fast too.”
I look around us to make sure no one is listening in to our conversation.
“What do you need?”
I smirk at him.
He laughs loudly and shakes his head. “Ok. We will find a donut shop that is open after we leave here.”
I give him a full smile then.
We make our way over to the other racer and his team. The money man is giving me a death stare and I could care less. He owes me money. That’s all I care about getting from him.
“James,” he says with a snarl.
“Sir.” There is no need to call him by name. I owe him nothing. I’m respecting him by not calling him the names I call him in my head.
“Here.” He slaps a roll of bills in my outstretched hand. I curl my fingers around the money and give him a nod. I do the same to the rider, then Ron and I take our leave. There is nothing left here for me. It’s time I get home and get some sleep.
