Lou shot Theo.
My hands begin to shake more now that the adrenaline is wearing off.
“Are you a doctor?”
I pull my eyes from Theo’s chest, locking onto the older gentleman who looks like he’s nearing retirement age. “Ye—” I clear my throat, pushing down the tears. “Yes, I’m his physician.”
He nods, looking Theo over one more time like he’s trying to figure out who this celebrity is with his own private physician. “Did you intubate him?”
I nod, more tears threatening to fall. My hands are shaking so bad, they remind me of that damn chihuahua Theo’s mom had when we were young. Before I can get it under control, Theo reaches for me, his big hand enveloping my small one.
Sniffing, I squeeze it back. He mumbles something around his breathing tube. His hand is heavy as his strength wanes but he manages to brush against my knuckles, and I know he’s attempting to comfort me when he’s hanging on by a thread.
“Don’t do that,” I sob. “Don’t comfort me.”
He doesn’t try to speak again, he only rubs… until he doesn’t.
The heart monitor pierces the silence. It takes me a second to realize what’s happening. His chest has stopped moving.
“He’s coding! Get the paddles,” the medic behind me orders.
“No!” I’m on my feet, squeezing his Ambu bag, giving his lungs the oxygen they need. The older medic is giving chest compressions while the other readies the paddles. When he asks us to step aside, I freeze. I know they need to get to him. I know this. It’s totally illogical that I, a doctor, would hesitate now, but this my Theo. This is my person. If he dies right here on this gurney, I want to be holding his hand. I want him to know I am here, that he isn’t alone.
“Miss.”
I level the young medic holding the paddles with a fierce look. “You bring him back.”
He nods, pushing me out of his way. I go easily this time, taking a seat in one the chairs alongside the wall of the ambulance.
“Clear!”
I flinch at the sizzling noise as they hit him with the first shock. My hands go to my hair as he yells “clear” again.
That’s not good. The more shocks it takes the less likely they’ll get him back.
Oh, God.
“I got a pulse!”
Immediately, I’m on my feet, relief coursing through me. I lunge to Theo’s side, taking his cool hand in mine. One of the guys is radioing the hospital, we aren’t far now. The other continues to bag Theo.
Pulling his hand to my cheek, I selfishly snuggle in, taking every ounce of comfort from the steady sound of beeps coming from the monitor attached to his chest.
“Almost there, baby. You’re gonna be okay.” My voice is garbled by tears, but at this point, I don’t even try to be brave and control them. I’m sure these medics have seen worse.
Minutes tick by and Theo doesn’t squeeze my hand again. I try not to let the fear get the better of me.
“We’re here,” the medic whispers softly so as not to startle me. “We need to take him. This is as far as you can go.”
I nod my understanding as the doors swing open. Awaiting doctors and nurses rush to his side as they lower him to the ground. I watch as he disappears through the double doors, on his way to the operating room. His life in the hands of someone else.
I don’t know I how long I sit there in the ambulance. Tears stream silently down my face. I want to scream but I won’t because Theo loves my scream and he isn’t here to hear it. I stomp my feet, kicking the bench, anything to get out the anger that has taken over. I pull my hair. I hurl bloody bandages until there are no more for me to throw and fall to the floor of the ambulance when every ounce of energy is drained from me.
As I lay, spent, against the cold metal, a flash of color underneath the seat catches my eye. Sliding across the littered floor, I reach under the chair and find… a piece of bubble gum.
“Commander.”
I raise my head slowly at the sound of Cade’s comforting voice. His strong shoulders are set, his eyes full of concern, full of pity, as he stares back at me.
