Shan was far from being a comforting presence for me.
I wrapped myself around Em like he was a teddy bear in a comfy bed, trying not to glare at Shan and failing. Deep down I knew it wasn’t his fault. He’d made a call I didn’t agree with, but the call hadn’t been horrible. If I’d had any other team leader, they would have done the same. The disappointment hit deeper because I was in love with him.
“She will if we don’t find her,” Shan said.
He pulled up his walls again as I watched. All his rage, bottled away. The guilt I’d seen creeping into his expression hidden behind the blank facade. His dismay at how I was treating him shielded, like he always shielded his heart.
The last one hurt. Both how I’d caused his dismay and his need to hide it.
“Then we’ll find her,” Emmett said. His voice made his chest rumble, and I leaned my cheek against it. I wanted him to purr for me, calm my racing heart, but even shifter Alphas generally only purred for Omegas. “Cas, you’re sticking with me.”
There was no room for discussion and Shan didn’t argue. He’d figure out I didn’t want to be around him. The alley filled with light as he extended his wings out to their full span, flapping once. “Em, try to find her by scent. I’ll scan the area and see if I can find any other portals they used. No way they took her straight to their destination.”
When he pumped his wings a second time, it shot him up into the air, his form disappearing before he cleared the second floor of the building. My body slumped without him there to make me tense and upset, and Emmett took on more of my weight without complaint. “He’s such an asshole,” I muttered, fighting the tears welling up in my eyes.
“He’s cocky and a control freak,” he corrected. “You know he means well, and when we get Freya back to you, he’ll be easy to forgive.”
I grumbled softly against his chest, knowing he was right but not ready to admit it. Emmett only let me mope for a minute before helping me stand on my own two feet again. He looked down at me with a small, sad smile, and my heart clenched. Whatever he was about to say, I didn’t think I could manage hearing it. It felt like he was seconds away from informing me that yes, we might fuck, but he was truly only doing it for the good of the team and had no feelings for me.
“Let’s go try to find her!” I blurted out, turning back to the portal remnants.
Emmett sighed. “We’ll damn well try.”
Trying really hard turned out to yield very little in the way of results. We found where the portal brought them and where the second portal was created, only because I got a sense of where the first portal led and made a lucky guess. After that, Em tried to scent track her.
There was no trace of her in the downtown core. He even shifted into his bear form, which was illegal within the city limits and could get him fired. It made my heart warm, though, that he would risk it for a woman he barely knew. He was doing it because I cared about her and because I was devolving with every second we didn’t find another clue.
Depression hung like a heavy weight over my head, ready to drop down and take me out. Both my team members knew from experience that when it took me out, I was out… for a while. Sometimes days. Often weeks. Occasionally months. All I would do was wallow, curled up in a ball crying and watching the same five episodes ofBonesrepeatedly. I wanted to watch my favourite characters die and then die again, infinitely experiencing their pain.
By the time Emmett had shifted back into his human form, I wasn’t present enough to watch him dress. He took it for the bad sign it was, watching me worriedly out the corner of his eye. Usually, I had trouble keeping my eyes off of him when he was clothed, and it was impossible to look away when he was naked.
When he scooped me up in his arms, I let out a squeak but relaxed against him, allowing him to carry me to the SUV he’d driven to the scene. He laid me in the front seat and got in the driver’s side, turning on the car. The quick drive passed in a blur, and we ended up back at the hotel Shan and I had been staying at. I shook my head and looked over at him. “No, we can’t be here. Being here won’t help.”
He didn’t answer. He lifted me from the car again and carried me up the stairs to our floor. My body hit the bed with a slight bounce and I curled in on myself. We shouldn’t be here, but a year-long nap sounded good right about now. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with anything. I’d closed my eyes when Emmett’s fingers stroked my cheek.
In front of me he held a glass of water, and I reluctantly took it when I saw his resolute expression. So, he hadn’t brought me here to let me nap off the depressive haze. Sitting up, I took a dainty sip and tried to place it on the bedside table. He grunted and I pouted, but lifted the cup and downed a quarter of the water.
Part of me did feel better.
“Why are we here, Em?”
“You need to get out of your head.”
“Easier said than done.”
I brought my knees to my chest. Emmett rifled around the room until he found Shan’s laptop and came over to the bed, sitting beside me and letting me snuggle against his torso. “Wandering aimlessly out there wasn’t doing anything, so we’ll try research. Kylan only has so many places he can keep her, and the Company knows some of them. We’ll eliminate the ones that don’t make sense, and I’ll check the other ones to see if I can scent her.”
My incoherent mumble didn’t go unnoticed. Emmett used his pointer finger to lift my chin and look me in the eye. “I won’t lose you, Cas. We’ll find her. You’re not allowed to give up hope like this.”
“Easier said than done,” I mumbled again.
“Do it for me. Stay present. I need you.”
“Not the way I need you, as Shan stated pretty fucking clearly.”
Eyes widening, I snapped my lips shut. I hadn’t meant for that to come out. It was supposed to be a thought. Emmett was staring at me with a similar deer in the headlights look, and I was tempted to babble and brush it off. If I’d been less close to a severe depressive episode, I probably would have. As it was, I stared at him and watched him process.
He was going to soften the blow, because that was what he did. Maybe if he softened it for me, it would help. I doubted it, but maybe. In any case, he hadn’t yet pulled back from how I was curled up against him and I was going to milk the contact for all it was worth.
