At first, I asked Pete every week if any positions had opened up where he worked. Then, when I realized I wouldn’t get a job at his brother’s company, I only asked every couple of months. As long as they didn’t mind me living in the cabin—and why would they? I paid rent—I figured I might as well stay.
I was in no hurry to be a productive member of society. I had no skills and wasn’t able to help anyone, so there wasn’t any use wasting time looking for work.
When my money came close to running out, I’d decided to ask Oliver if he knew anyone in the lower forty-eight who could give me a job. It would be nice to live somewhere warm; the more I thought about it, the more appealing it became.
Pete was nice enough to drive me to my last probation meeting. My time in Alaska was coming to an end and I didn’t know if I was happy or sad about it. More sad, I think. But there was a future for me in another area, I felt it. I asked if he would invite Oliver to Brian’s Burgers so I could treat them to dinner.
“Listen, Oliver. Pete. I want to thank you for letting me stay in the cabin for so long.” I paused and pursed my lips. As many times as I had gone over the speech in my head, I didn’t anticipate getting emotional. “I feelthat I’ve overstayed my welcome.”
“What? No. Jake, please don’t think that.”
Pete didn’t want me to go, I could see it in his eyes, but I needed something to give me a sense of accomplishment.
“I didn’t think so when I first arrived, but I’m just wasting my life. I need to make something of myself.” I focused on the older brother. “Oliver, do you have any connections in the lower forty-eight? I would really like to try somewhere warm.”
“I do.” He nodded. “When we get back to the house, I’ll give you the name of a contractor friend in Dallas. I’ll even put in a good word for you.”
On my last night at the cabin, a large, majestic male moose came into view. Over the past two seasons, I had only seen three and they were not close to the cabins. An overwhelming feeling of peace relaxed my body.
My mom taught me that the Moose represents the wise elder. It describes someone capable of communicating the joy of life and sharing wisdom and compassion. I wanted to be that moose.
ANCHORAGE to Dallasdidn’t sound that far away. In reality, the trudge through four-thousand miles wouldn’t be as simple as I imagined. The ticket agent delivered the bad news that trains didn’t cut throughCanada, and suddenly Dallas seemed a million miles away. Then she offered the second blow: buses didn’t drive the route, either.
I thought twice about leaving. I had enough money for a flight, obviously, but had never flown before. I didn’t know what to do or if it was safe. It was my only choice, so I called for a taxi to the airport, paid for a ticket, and waited to board.
“Mom, can you hear me?” Nothing else to do, I gazed out the window toward the mountains, certain that I would never be back. “I’m sorry, Mom. For letting you down. If I had been big enough to defend you, you would still be here, and I wouldn’t have to leave.” I sighed and leaned my head against the window. “I don’t mean to keep disappointing you. I just can’t help it.
“I’m gonna do it, though. It’s about time for me to turn my life around and make you proud. I haven’t lived a life you’d approve of, and I’ve made some bad choices, but I can make it right. One day I’ll have a career and a house and maybe someday a wife and kids.”
A sardine can. The airplane was packed full of people like sardines. I only prayed the top couldn’t roll back as easily. My stomach lurched at the first movement; backing away from the gate had been traumatic enough, how would I survive an entire flight?
On top of leaving everything I had ever known in the past, I was headed toward the absolute unknown. Anew start, I told myself, as if it would help make the thought of moving to Dallas better. I get it: change is scary. I had good reason to be riddled with anxiety.Will this new company hire me if they know about my past? Can I lie about it on a job application?
The counselor at McLaughlin said no. If I did and my employer found out about it, they could not only fire me, but report to the state that I had hidden my past. Especially for murder.
The closer I got to Dallas, though, the more I thought about how leaving the old me in Alaska could be a good thing, the more excited I got. This new start of mine could be whatever I wanted it to be. And so could my past. I had the time to think, and I came up with a plan.
The story I would tell people could be a new me. When people ask where I’m from, I’d just say Montana. I would tell people that I just left the cold after my parents died in a car accident. I smiled as more of my fake-Jake childhood formed in my mind.
I made up an entire past, which was exactly the opposite from reality. My father was a very loving, caring man who gave my mom everything she could ever want. It was almost sickening the way he loved us both so much.
Our ranch style home sat on seventy acres outside of Helena. I had been an only child because my parentswere satisfied with just one son. While my parents chatted and laughed on the back porch, a cold iced tea in their hand, I cared for all our animals. We had the perfect life; the only thing I ever longed for was to live somewhere warm.
Chapter 16
Kennedy, age twenty—April 2008
THE VETERANSAdministration usually hires from within or hires veterans before opening positions to outside applicants, but Cody was such a fantastic student that his counselor sent a letter of recommendation to the head of Human Resources. Or at least that’s what he bragged about during every conversation we had about moving.
Cody received the call along with a job offer and was so excited to tell me his good news that my good news would just have to wait.
“Before we decide on the best place to live, we need to get acquainted with the area and the people. For the first few months, we’ll live in an apartment near the VA. I’ve already made arrangements. It will be ready for us next week. Until then, we’ll sort of be on vacation. Our hotel room has a kitchenette, so we can think of it as a starter apartment. This is the beginning of our perfect life. Justlike I promised.” His hands cupped my face as he lowered his lips to mine. Soft kisses covered my mouth, cheeks, and neck. I held my breath and reveled in the way he loved me. He was right; this would be perfect.
Cody was so happy he lifted me off my feet and spun in a circle. “I love you, K. Forever, I promise.” We laughed and kissed as we stumbled down the hallway to our bedroom.
For the first time in a while, he took his time with me. Gentle yet passionate, he undressed me, kissing every inch of my skin as each piece of clothing fell to the floor.
Naked and aroused, I positioned myself in the middle of the bed and reached for my husband. My love. My life. Darkness filled his eyes, and a smirk pulled his lips to one side as he tilted his chin.
