When she kisses me back, it is like stars align in the darkness of my mind, the raw emotions glittering through me like a heavy downpour of rain. The relief that washes over me makes my body relax, my muscles soften and allows me to glide my hands down the sides of her body, planting them slowly on her hips.
God, she is magnificent.
As I bend her head back and kiss her gently at first, I quickly intensify my kisses until I fill her with a sense of passion, helping her desperately cling to me as if I were the only thing with solidity in a world full of dizzying swirls.
For a second, her hands grab my hair as she attempts to pull my face closer to her despite being the closest we can come. The feeling of her hands tangled in my hair causes something to bubble up inside of me, a desire so strong you could sense it from the moon, an utter bliss.
Her body trembles against mine like a stray leaf in a devastating storm, and I know right then that I am the storm that scatters inside her like a tsunami.
I’m the monster she fears, yet she desires me immensely, in ways she would never admit to herself. And if I’m her monster, then she’s my hell, erupting chaos inside my mind.
She makes me lose my mind.
Our combined heartbeats thud in rhythm with my own as her lips leave a heavy warmth on my skin, and I am filled with a glowing sensation in my chest. It is an unprecedented sensation, created by our breaths in sync with one another.
Shamelessly, she can feel the bulge inside my sweatpants, and I swear her cheeks turn a red hue as she notices this, still with her eyes closed. I press my hands against the skin of her hips, sensually sliding them behind and to her back as I drag her body even closer to mine, one of my legs in between her as we stand here, tangled with each other. As I devour her, savoring the deeply intoxicating kiss of her lips against my own, I feel utterly enslaved by them, which are soft, almost silky.
Her kiss awakens the monster inside of me, making him rage and swirl, clawing to come out of its cage. It’s a strange sensation to feel my heart pounding uncontrollably, and we eventually have to pull away from each other to catch our breaths.
For moments after, I find myself unable to open my eyes, not wanting to let go of this reality that can be stripped away from me as fast as it comes. I was never meant to have a happy ending, and so I fear the moment reality comes crashing down on me again.
“I’ve wanted to do that since the first time I saw you,” I murmur into the silence that has fallen upon us.
Even though a few seconds have passed, she is still here, in the same space, breathing in the same air as my words. When I finally open my eyes, my heart rate slows down and I realize she is looking at me with amazement in her eyes. The lamplight emphasizes the differences between her two eyes, the golden one more evident than the gray one. Her gaze falls upon me and her eyes widen in shock before she takes me by surprise and gently presses her lips against mine, rendering me speechless. But then she pops the bubble we so carefully constructed, pushing me away with a gentle, yet firm touch as she punctures it with a needle. My body immediately misses her touch, and I damn myself for feeling this way.
She looks at me with sorrowful eyes before she sits down on my bed, her fidgeting fingers betraying her anxiousness. I take a seat beside her on the mattress, but still far away to give her some privacy.
“At first, I couldn’t really remember anything. Only small fractures of memories, like puzzle pieces needing to be put together again.”
I’m not sure where she’s going with this confession, but I’ll let her talk, sensing the way she needs to get this off her chest.
“You were right,” she sighs heavily, picking at the skin on her foot. “I do bear the burden all by myself, and I’m not even sure why I’m telling you this right now. It’s not like we could ever work.”
She’s right, even if that truth hurts more than it should. People like us are doomed.
“I killed her, Grey, and I regret every single second of it, yet there is this part of me that feels relieved about the fact that she is not alive anymore. How fucked doesn’t that make me?”
I’m not sure who that ‘her’ is. My hand stops her when her skin picking becomes worse. She looks up at me and my heart nearly breaks at the sight of her eyes, stained red, much more so than when she first came here. She looks utterly exhausted, and I squeeze her hand to stop her from hurting herself if only for a moment.
“You are not fucked, Naya. Have you ever spoken about this to anyone?”
As soon as the words leave my lips, I wish I could take them back.
“You don’t fucking understand.” She rises out of bed in haste. “How could you? You’re not living my life. I haven’t been able to tell anyone, because no one ever fucking listens! Every time I try, they say I exaggerate.”
The sound of her feet scuffing against the ground as she paces back and forth makes me hesitate before standing up.
“The guilt you bear? Don’t you think I bear that one too? Why do you think I’m even here?”
It isn’t my intention to raise my voice at her, but she doesn’t seem to mind, too far inside her head to notice.
“You don’t understand,” she murmurs.
I’m trying with everything I have not to let anger take over, not to push her away from me any more than I already have. She needs me right now, even if I’m not right for the job.
“I do fucking understand, Naya. I know how it feels to make that hasty decision before the knife plummets through the skin, tearing as blood pours out. That horrible moment when you realize what you have done. And you know what the scary part is? I would do it again, over and over. I would do it again to save my own fucking life. So don’t you dare tell me I don’t know how it feels, because I do.”
My voice fills the room, and she stands there, not saying a word, her eyes locked on mine.
