A few steps ahead of Charlie, Hank, Fourteenth, glared at Xander too. He was a crappy fighter and submissive in his own right, and yeah, the lower ranks were full of men who’d hopscotched right over Hank, but Xander didn’t need to rub it in. Xan was a shit-stirring asshole, though. I guessed every group had one. And I was sick of him, sick of the little jabs and the bully mentality and the homophobia I’d hidden from all my adult life.
I didn’t need an open pack bond to detect the terror coming off Charlie. Ten years of change in the packs or not, being submissive and called a queer wolf was an invitation to abuse. The poor kid swallowed hard enough to be heard across the room. His hands shook.
Xander smirked.
I turned to our Alpha, wondering if he might step in. To my annoyance, Alpha just selected another donut and said, “Leave the kid be, Sixth,” without emphasis, or bothering to turn around. Nick looked unhappy but seemed to be taking his cues from Alpha.
Charlie’s red cheeks went pale.
If anyone’s going to shut this shit down, I guess it has to be me. Xander thinks he’s going to bully the gay wolf, does he? He’s got another think coming. Wait till he sees what gay really looks like.I drew myself up to my full height.
Then a flash of pure panic hit me.Am I nuts?I wasn’t worried about trouble from Xander, but there were four wolves above me in the pack. Four older wolves with old wolf views. I’d devoted a lifetime of effort to keeping my closet door locked, barred, and nailed shut around them.
I can tell Xander not to be a bully without revealing myself. Easy. Safe.
But also a cop-out. In my pocket, a text from Kendrick waited for an answer.“Want to come over tonight?”I did, and I knew Alpha hated surprises. Nick was already watching me, wondering who I was seeing. Xander stood grinning about the barbs he hoped he’d sunk into tender flesh.
Enough. A lifetime of enough. Do it now.
I crossed my arms, fixed my eyes on our loudmouthed Sixth, and said, “If Charlie was gay, which I’m betting he’s not, he’d still be a better man than you.”
Xander stared at me, his mouth dropping open. Most of the others did too. I rarely spoke up in meets or gatherings, keeping a low profile. And I guess if I was going to take the time to speak, they didn’t expect it to be protecting Charlie from a little hazing. Butdamn, I was tired of gay slurs being part of the hazing process.
Xander demanded, “What did you say?” Although not as harshly as he might’ve, because I did outrank him.
I shrugged. “I said most gay men are better than you.” I hadn’t but I figured I’d get that out there. I tried to ignore the flutter of nerves in my belly.I haven’t come out with the full truth yet. I can still hedge, claim I’m protecting Charlie…
I smacked down my chickenshit half and went for a steady glare.
“The hell they are.” Xander flicked a look at Alpha who’d sat in one of the armchairs and was listening to us, an indecipherable look on his face. “What kind of bullshit is that? You a queer-lover, Trent?”
I couldn’t just smack sense into Xander, no matter how much his fat mouth needed it. We wolves only Challenged up, and he ranked below me. But I thought I might be able to provoke him into Challenging me. “Want to talk about a guy who’s a pussy? You mouth off big about gay men but you’re shit scared to face one.”
Xander dropped the remains of his cookie on a table with a glance at Charlie. “The hell I am!”
I took a step his way, reminding him of my bulk and said, “Okay. Come on, then. Challenge me.”
“You? I’ve no beef with you, except your big mouth.”
“No?” A sudden tide of emotions— anger, frustration, exhilaration, freedom— lifted me up and I said the words I’d never planned to let loose in this place. “I’m gay. So face me.”
Acid rose in my throat as my stomach rolled.What the fuck did I just do?I thought of Simon Conley, the rifle target over his picture from true death threats he’d been unlikely to survive. Of Matthew Shepard, a human among humans and still vulnerable. A terrified part of me— the gay kid who’d jerked off under the covers, release and shame and terror mixing in a toxic stew,imagining his own death at his Alpha’s hands— wanted to take the words back.
But I jerked my chin higher instead. This wasn’t 1998 or even 2011. I wasn’t facing the pre-Conley packs with execution the certain answer to my words. Across town, a gay man was raising a child alone, facing his own challenges. Around the country, other gay wolves had stepped out of the shadows and faced their packmates.It’s time.
A buzz from the men around me heralded my words hitting home, but I stayed focused on Xander. I knew he’d be a bastard about who I was and I could handle his scorn. I didn’t want to see the faces of the men I considered friends fill with hate.
Xander cocked his head, his eyebrows raised, looking confused. “You don’t need to bullshit to make a point.” As I continued to glare at him, my crossed arms highlighting my biceps and the width of my chest, he eased back a step. “Okay, I’ll apologize to Charlie. He’s probably not even gay anyhow.”
“But I am.” I needed to make that clear, totally and unmistakably, here and now. My gut was shaking but my voice held steady as I turned to my Alpha and spoke my truth. “Those times I disappear? Gay bars. I like ending my night on my knees with a man’s dick down my throat.”
My next breath choked me.You fool! You didn’t need to put it like that.But something in me had— had needed it harsh and detailed and queer as hell. That part of my soul now leaped and soared with delight despite my fear.Yes, get those words out, show your colors, say it clear.I studied Alpha’s face intently.
Alpha said nothing, his expression carved from stone, but Xander choked. “You’re submissive?”
I glared his way. “If I’ve got your balls in my hand and your dick between my teeth, you can wonder how submissive I am. Sucking a guy off has nothing to do with being submissive.”
Alpha drawled to Xander, “Sixth, are you Challenging Trent at this time? Do we need to head back in the meet room? Because I don’t want blood on this carpet.”
