“No,” I snap. “Don’t say it. I might scream if I hear another person say it. You didn’t do all this to keep me safe. You did it to keep meweak.”
“Weak and alive,” Etusca throws back, a glint of defiance on her tear-stained face. “Isn’t that better than the alternative?”
I gape at her, wondering how she can say that, knowing what life was like for me in that manor, how miserable I was. It wasn’t the lack of magic that was slowly destroying me, it was the isolation and neglect—and in the end, with Bede, even abuse. All the fine clothes and good food in the world didn’t make up for that.
For all my unhappiness, she couldn’t see it. Apparently, she still can’t.
Maybe she’s so faded from her time away from the Miravow that she doesn’t remember what real living is. It seems she and I were both ghosts in that place, keeping each other trapped there.
A fresh tightness blossoms in my chest as I realize she can’t give me what I want. I wish I could just make her my enemy, a traitor I can hate without any complexity. But there’s too much affection between us for that. That’s why it hurts so much.
“Leave,” I say, my throat aching from trying to hold it all back.
Her eyes widen. “What?”
“Leave and go home, Etusca. Go back to the Miravow. I don’t want you here anymore.”
This is what we both need. What’s done can’t be undone, and I can’t stand to look at her a moment longer. At least if she goes back to Agathyre, I know I’ve done what’s best for both of us. She can be healthy again there among her own people. Surely, she’ll be happier that way.
Desperation clouds her features, and she rushes forward, grabbing my hand.
“No, Morgana. See sense. You need me. You can’t just?—”
I wrench my fingers from her grasp. My hand immediately feels empty, so I tense it into a fist.
“If you really care about me, you’ll return to Agathyre and never come back.” She’s still shaking her head, denying my words, so I push even harder. “If you don’t go, I’ll call Leon in here now and make him take you away. You don’t think he will? He doesn’t care what happens to you, as long as I cooperate with him. So get out.”
I don’t meet her eyes as she walks away, her body hunched and defeated. Instead, I turn my back on her. I don’t want her to see what I’ve been trying to hold back through the whole conversation.
Hot tears slip down my cheek as the door closes behind her.
She lied to me, she helped keep me captive, but she’s also the closest thing to a mother I’ve ever known.
And despite everything, I still love Etusca too.
I’m emotionally battered when I emerge from the room. Leon’s still standing there, presumably having given Etusca the all-clear to leave after I banished her. Even that wouldn’t be allowed without his approval.
As his eyes turn to me, I see the concern swirling in their gray depths. It only makes me feel worse, facing another person who’s betrayed me, and yet still tells himself he was justified in what he did. For once, I’d like someone to acknowledge they had other choices—that taking my freedom from me wasn’t their only option. Apparently, that’s asking for too much.
“Don’t,” I say, waving a hand at him when he’s about to say something. “Just take me to Tira.”
Leon leads me to my room in silence. I use the opportunity to take in more of the Lyceum. To my surprise, it isn’t like any school I could’ve imagined. Trova has military academies for training their soldiers, but their studies are all about battles and strategy. And I can’t imagine the training centers for the Temple’s acolytes are anything like this.
Colorful lanterns line the halls, throwing a delightful rainbow of light across the student mages as they walk by. Vaulted ceilings soar above us—higher than any roof I’ve ever seen—and everynow and then I hear a distant melody drifting on the air, the tune strangely familiar.
At one point, we pass an archway with huge doors flung wide open. Beyond it, stretching to the ceiling, is a sea of bookshelves groaning under the weight of thick tomes and stacks of parchment. Mages sit at rows of tables, quietly reading or scratching notes with quills. It makes the library at Gallawing look like a ragged little heap of books in comparison.
“Here. Tira made it clear you’d want to continue sharing a room,” Leon says when we arrive in a wing with several doors leading off it.
She was right. Neither of us want to be separated more than we have to in this strange place, surrounded by people we don’t know—plus the handful who we know but don’t trust. Having my best friend at my side is the only thing keeping me sane.
I grab the handle of the door Leon indicates, but I stop when I see him do the same to the door just to the right of mine.
“What are you doing?” I ask, a prickle of displeasure running up my spine.
“Going to my room,” he says. “It’s not like I’ve gotten much chance to rest since your midnight escapades.”
I ignore his sarcasm, focusing on the realization that for the length of our stay, I’ll be forced to be near Leon. With him so close, I’ll be constantly aware of his presence, even when trying to sleep.
