I tremble all over, my teeth chattering as I stare at him in the mostly dark room. Bile threatens to spew from my throat, and it takes effort to push the urge down.
I’m bigger now, stronger. I hurt him before, and I can do it again. But the thought of him trying to…trying to…
“Wesley?” Perry says, only it doesn’t sound like him. It’s not the harsh tone from years of smoking and drinking—it’s sweet and soft, full of worry.
“What happened?” the voice asks.
I blink once. Then again, the past clearing from my vision to bring Jaxon into view.
He climbs off the bed slowly, walking over and kneeling in front of me but not moving any closer. “Baby? Look at me. Meet my gaze, baby, come on.” I do, and I’m steadied by the warmth in their gray depths. Perry had angry green eyes that were always bloodshot. These aren’t Perry’s. They belong to the love of my life.
“Jax?” My voice sounds small and unsure, my past still threatening to drag me back.
He smiles, and it grounds me. “Yeah, baby. It’s me. Keep looking at me, okay? Breathe with me. In and out. In and out. In and out.” I follow his breathing pattern, inhaling and exhaling, remembering the yoga teachings we learned in rehab. Breathe in the good intentions and breathe out the negative emotions.
It takes a while, but my frantically beating heart finally calms down, and I’m ready for Jaxon to comfort me.
In a rush, I scramble over to him, crawl onto his lap, and wrap my arms so tightly around him that I almost press him into my skin.
“Oh, baby,” he murmurs, rubbing my back in those soothing circles that I love. “I’m so sorry. You’re okay. I got you. I got you.”
“I didn’t…I couldn’t…”
“Shhh,” he says, petting my hair in such a calming way that the tears I tried to keep at bay come tumbling out.
My sobs make my entire body quake, the force of them scaring me. But it’s so cleansing. All the hurt and pain I felt and kept bottled up comes rushing out. Jaxon holds me tight, talking to me and murmuring reassuring words. Hedoesn’t try to get me to stop or tell me to suck it up. He lets me weep so I can finally fucking heal.
I’ve cried over my circumstances before and had moments where I thought I could let it go, but the terrible shit always comes rushing back. With Jaxon’s arms around me, I can finally sift through everything and how it fucked me up. How my own mother failed to protect me and how she started me down the path of getting high so I didn’thaveto think.
Because of her and her boyfriend, I’m fucking broken.
But here, in Jaxon’s arms, wrapped so securely, I feel like that’s okay. I can be shattered, and he will always be there to put me back together.
When my sobs turn to soft whines, Jaxon pulls back so he can look into my eyes. “You okay, baby?” I start to nod, but I’ve always been honest with Jaxon, even when it hurts. So, I shake my head no. “Want to tell me what happened?”
“Perry,” I croak, then close my eyes, sighing heavily. “He used to…he’d only rape me from behind. Sometimes, he’d come into my room and press against me like…like you were. It woke me from my sleep. My mind was stuck there.”
Jaxon’s eyes turn stormy, and that lights up a part of me that I didn’t think ever existed before him. “If I could, I’d fucking kill him for what he did to you. I’m fucking…so fucking sorry I took so long to tell anyone.” I rub his back, trying to soothe him. He barks a humorless laugh. “Here I am, complaining when you’re the one that woke up screaming. You don’t need to comfort me, baby. It’s you I’m worried about.”
Something bubbles inside me, so strong I can’t ignore it. It’s overwhelming, but I need it. With snot dripping down my nose and tears still leaking from my eyes, I slide closer to him, kissing him deeply. Jaxon sighs into mymouth, but he doesn’t break the kiss. He holds me tighter, his arms like a vice, no room for me to move or get away from him.
Or fall apart.
“Please,” I whisper against his lips. “Perry was the only one that...his touch is…it’s all I think about. But I don’t want it anymore. I want you. Please, make me forget him. Make me…make love to me.”
The surprise etched on his face almost has me taking it back, but I can’t. It’s a terrible position to put him in and I can acknowledge my selfishness, but I need him. I need him to erase all the bad memories so I can finally let go. For the first time, I want to know what it feels like to be loved and wanted by someone I want and love too. To have my decisions honored and my body respected.
Jaxon would do that. He would be good to me.
He inhales sharply when my trembling hand rests on his face. “Are you sure?”
“More sure than I’ve ever been about anything.”
He wipes my face clean of my tears and snot before he hauls me to my feet and leads me to the bed. “You have to be in control here. Do you understand why?”
I nod. “Yeah. So, I don’t feel overwhelmed.”
“Yes. Why else?”
