“Ooh, it’s all confirmed?” she asks with that buoyant tone I usually hear from her.
“Yeah.” I nod, swallowing my food. “The first class is couples only, and we’ve already had so many signups that Ember had to move the class from one of the rooms to the open space stage area.” My smile is a mile wide as I tell Penny.
“That’s super exciting,” she says with little excitement. “Will Seamus be there during that class?”
I drop my fork.
“I’ve got it handled, Penny.” My exhausted tone radiates annoyance.
“I’m just worried. It’s natural,” she replies.
“I know, but stop, please. Just…be my friend right now.”
“Okay,” she relents as she reaches out, placing her hand over my forearm. “Just promise you’ll talk to me if you need to, or if there is something more going on that you are not telling anyone. You wear fake happiness like a non-peelable face mask. It’s okay to do that sometimes, but don’t let that turn into a permanent fixture on your face until it’s too late and you break down completely.”
“I get it. I do. But I’m good. I promise,” I say, folding my hand over hers.
“Okay,” she says, granting me a half smile, and I can see she’s finally dropping it.
We finish up, pay, and hug before we head out. Usually, I feel light and happy after our brunches, especially with the over-sizedmimosas running through my body, but everything still feels so heavy.
My body craves movement and I need the time to clear my mind.
I haven’t been able to get Seamus out of my head, and even though the logical part of me wants to, my body and soul scream something different.
Because he wasalwaysdifferent.
The connection I had with him was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. Sure, I was young and inexperienced, but even after all these years, nothing has compared to what I felt when I was with him.
And I fucking hate that.
It’s been ten years and more dates, attempted relationships, and set ups that I can count, and still, nothing has come close.
Was it the fact that we had to sneak around after lights out? Was it the excitement of getting caught? Was it the limited time we had together or knowing there was an expiration date? The forbiddenness of it all?
I believe in soulmates, I always have. But am I blinded to think that there is only one perfect person out there for you.
I think back to all the nights we laid by the lake together, counting the stars, talking about anything and nothing, while we shared our dreams with each other. We were young, naïve, and had more ambition in life to achieve these unrealistic, silly goals than we did common sense.
Life hadn’t hit us yet.
I guess that’s the thing about love.
You just can’t help it. Love is involuntary.
Seamus Matthews only had two weeks of my twenty-eight years, and still, I’ve loved him my whole life.
Closing my eyes, I inhale the crisp, cool air and force out all the oxygen that feels like bricks on my chest. It’s cold enough that my breath fog is thick as it leaves my lips, but evaporates quickly as I continue on my walk home.
In my current quest to avoid my backyard, I haven’t practiced in days other than the classes I’ve taught—which doesn’t count when it comes to what my body needs, because I feel stiff everywhere. My legs are sore fromnotworking out, and as I roll my neck back and forth, the tight muscles whine and scream in protest.
I know I can’t avoid my mat any longer, and I don’t want to. If Seamus is home, he’s just going to have to deal with the show. And I need to force the idea that he could be watching out of my head.
18
NAOMI
17 years old
