“Hey, breathe.” He’s handing me a cup of coffee. I never even noticed him standing up and crossing the room. “That’s an improvement. A big one, at that. The act of mourning a loss should have ebbs and flows. You’ve been stuck on a plateau for so long, it’s nice to see some movement in the needle, alright?”
“Not remembering the day someone kills themself isn’t exactly an ebb and flow situation, Theo.”
“It means you’re letting yourself move on, what we’ve been working on from the start. The ability to accept that she’s gone, but you’re still here. Did you make plans for tomorrow that weren’t your standard idea of mourning her from the bottom of a bottle?”
“Friends are coming over for dinner.”
“Okay?”
I shake my head. “I need to talk to you about something else first. And I’m not deflecting. I promise.”
“Okay, go ahead.”
“I met someone and I kind of asked her out on a date. I’m pretty sure that’s why I forgot about tomorrow.”
“No shit? Like adatedate? Dinner and dancing or whatever you kids do these days?”
“You’re not old enough to say that to me,” I point out and he holds up his hands. “Her sister and Jamie kind of set us up to meet. She’s a teacher at a school where Jamie had one of his art classes.”
“How’d the date go?”
I let out a long breath and sit back in the chair while I run my hands through my hair. “Here’s the thing, she uhm,” I stop and laugh again. “Shit, I can’t believe I’m about to tell you this but, she’s into some kinky stuff. She’s a domme…dominant…dominatrix? Whatever it’s called.” I swallow hard and lean forward so my elbows are on my knees. “Theo, I cried in the shower after she—uhm, well, to be blunt—after she tied me up, blindfolded me, and gave me the best blowjob of my life.”
“Why do you think you cried?”
I stare at the floor for a long time, processing the question and the feelings I’ve had over the weekend. “I felt…free. Like I let something huge go. That’s fucking stupid, huh?”
“That’s not stupid, Chase. I’ve talked to plenty of people who’ve found healing in the kink community. It’s not for everyone, but it’s also not only about sex, pain, and bondage. It’s deeper for most people. You said she’s the dominant one, which means she’s helping you work towards letting go of that death-grip you have on your past and things you can’t control.”
“It’s not adeath-grip.”
“And your leg wasn’t bouncing because I made you wait an extra two minutes past your appointment time?”
“Fair. Rude, but fair.” I run my hand through my hair before I wipe my face, trying to focus and not daydreaming on the shower. “She told me she had been stuck in a shitty relationship, and that she lost part of herself until she found a way to take back control. Do you mean something like that? Like, self control?”
“So long as it’s safe and consenting, it could be therapeutic, yeah. Just make sure you listen to her and your body. Don’t be afraid to use your safe word.” He scribbles a few notes while I nod. “I consider your willingness to let go of any measure of control a big step. You don’t need to jump in with both feet before looking, though. Take your time.”
“Don’t get too happy. I already fucked it up.”
“Ah, okay. Spill it. What did you do?”
“Why does it have to be me?!” I stare at him, but give in because the look he’s giving me says it all. “You’re right. The king of self-sabotage strikes again. I asked her—no, I begged her for more.”
“More?”
“More than friends.” My mind flashes to the shower, and how she held me after. The constant reminders of all the ways we took care of each other over the weekend while avoiding the personal, painful questions. I remember how comfortable it felt having her around the house. She never coddled me. I would have hated that.
Friends. Shit, are we even friends anymore?
“She wanted it casual, and I failed. Every time something good would happen on my trip, I wanted to tell her all about it. I literally ran back to my room one night so I could call her before she left for work.”
“And how did she react to all that?”
“She kept telling me to go out and meet someone new. To let loose and enjoy life. I tried one night, drunk out of my mind. I almost hooked up with this chick.”
“What made you stop?”
“I didn’t want the bartender.”
