Standing in front of the door, I soak in the house, smells, and people. I’m second guessing everything, thinking I shouldn’t be here. As I consider leaving, I hear a muffled sob on the other side.
His room is dim, making it difficult for my eyes to adjust. However, I can still make out a lump of blankets on the bed. I set the coffee and plate on a desk, careful not to put it on anything that might be important, and climb in next to the lump. He groans, clearly annoyed. After almost two days, I finally relax. He’s home, and he’s okay. But are we?
“Chase, I don’t fucking—strawberries?” He pulls the covers down and I can just make out his red-rimmed eyes and his messy bed head. “Angel?”
“Hi,” I whisper back, brushing the hair from his eyes.
“Why…how did you…?”
“I was worried. You just…you left.” He stares at me for a long time before he pushes the blanket back and I crawl under them and cuddle next to him. “Natalie asked me to bring you breakfast.”
“Alexis…I—I’m sor?—”
“No, don’t worry about that. Let’s get you better before you start worrying about explaining or apologizing. I’m not mad, I was just…worried.”
He stares at me until his fingers find my face, tracing tender shapes along my skin like he’s seeing me for the first time—even though he can barely see me in the low light. I can make out the dark circles under his eyes and what was stubble is now a full beard. I don’t think he’s slept since he left my apartment.
“It’s okay. We’re okay, if you still want us?—”
“I do. I do want us. But, it’s not okay. I’m not okay.” He pulls me closer and I tuck my head under his chin. “I don’t know how, but you found me.”
“I had Dani get me your address. I’m sorry if that’s too much. I didn’t want you to be alone.”
“No, I mean…I don’t mean that you came here, I mean that you found me. There’s finally something that isn’t darkness trying to swallow me whole.” His voice is gravelly and low and I wonder when the last time he spoke was. “You were sleeping like an angel…my angel. I’m sorry I left. I should have told you, but I didn’t want to scare you.”
“Are you going to be okay, Jamie?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t know, but… I think I’ll at least be better now. I should have called, but I didn’t think I could handle the disappointment in your voice.” He kisses my head softly and I can feel the wet tears in my hair. There’s heartbreaking pain and sadness in his voice.
“I’m not disappointed, not at all.”
“I don’t know how to protect you. I want to, Alexis. More than anything, I want to protect you, but I don’t know how. Between your parents and my sister, I just don’t know how.”
“I don’t want you to protect me, Jamie. I want us to be there for each other.”
He loosens his grip on me and rubs his eyes. “There’s more you should know. A lot more.”
He shifts and sits on the edge of the bed, then looks at me over his shoulder. Leading me into the bathroom, he flicks on a light. The room fills with a yellow glow as James opens the medicine cabinet full of tiny bottles. I’m not sure exactly what he’s showing me at first, but then I notice they’re all his. Every one of them—and there are at least fifteen—are his prescriptions. I’m unfamiliar with some of them, but there are a few I recognize from my own medicine cabinet.
I reach into the cabinet and pull down a bottle, holding it out to him. “Teach me,” I say, lacing the fingers of my free hand into his. “What should I know? What one helps with what thing and how can I help?”
He stares at me again, blinking like I’m speaking German.
“If we’re going to do this, I need to know how to help you, Jamie.”
“Alexis, I’m a fucking wreck!” he yells, but he doesn’t mean to. His voice drops to a shaky whisper, “Even on the days I remember to take this shit, I can’t…I can’t function. I can’t hold down a job. I can’t do my art. I can’t fix the house. I can’t even get out of fucking bed.”
“You’re out of bed now.”
“What?” He falls back onto the edge of the counter, dropping my hand and covering his face. “You can’t want this, Lexi. You can’t. You deserve someone who can?—”
“Make me happy? Because you do, Jamie, and I do want this, and you, and us.”
I cup his face, stroking his beard with my thumbs. He wants to argue with me again, but I cut him off.
“Youcanfunction, but some days are harder than others. Youcanhold down a job, because Sam still hires. Youcanfix the house, because I was able to walk up every one of those stairs to get to you. Youcanget out of bed, and on the days you can’t, there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re a man, Jamie, not a superhero.” I take both his hands in mine and kiss his knuckles. He doesn’t fight me when I take the hem of his shirt and lift it over his head.
“What are you doing?”