Her eyes narrow and her face scrunches up, “You watch Supernatural?”
“Hey, don’t knock my boys. I love those guys. They’re like brothers I never had. Dad and I used to watch it all the time in the studio.”
She giggles again, and to my surprise, her arms fling around me in a hug. Just as quickly, though, she dropped her arms at her side and bit her lip, apologizing.
“Angel, you can hug me any time you want. I’m never going to turn that down.”
“You’re kind of ridiculous, you know that?”
“What can I say? Being around someone like you just puts me in a good mood. Which is impressive. I haven’t been in a good mood since at least my late teens. Come on, let’s get to business on this completely unhealthy coping mechanism.”
CHAPTER16
NOTHING’S GONNA HURT YOU BABY
CIGARETTES AFTER SEX
I don’t knowwhere he’s taking me, but for whatever reason, I feel safe with him. I would voluntarily follow him into a dark alley—no questions asked. It’s rare that anyone is around to help me through these situations with my mother, not since my sister left. There’s always pain, hurt, and anger, but this time, I’m not sitting alone and allowing these emotions to consume me. It’s…nice having someone else here, and while he may not be who I expected, I’m realizing I was far too quick to judge him earlier.
My mother’s wrath is never over, and I’m still convinced that she’s lurking behind one of these cars or around a corner, just waiting to pounce on me again. She’s waiting to finish what she started so she can push me down further into myself until I break and give in to whatever she’s decided my life should be. I check over my shoulder again.
“Here.” He pulls me from my thoughts as he strips off his hoodie and wraps it around me.
“I already have a coat.”
“Yeah, and you’re still shivering, so you need the hoodie more than I do.”
I hadn’t even realized I was shivering, and I doubt it’s from the air since it’s not that cold out. I dip my head down just enough to breathe in his comforting scent while I wonder why he’s still here. It reminds me of sipping whiskey in a dark room only accessible through a hidden door in a bookshelf—a mystery wrapped in leather, weed, and warmth. He didn’t have to stay or look after me.
Sam is the closest I’ve had to someone watching over me since Bex left. I was lucky to find Sam when I did, and I won’t deny that he helped fill the void when my only protector couldn’t take it anymore. Sam has an excellent mental health plan for his employees. He added it about six months after I started working for him, and I let him think I believed his reasons. He knew how badly I needed to find someone I would open up to. My therapist likes to tell me about boundaries and safe spaces when she’s not trying to convince me that drunken sex isn’t what she means by opening up to people more. Apparently, sex isn’t actually a healthy way to validate my self-worth or silently fight my demons. It’s easy to dream of a different, stable life. But when it’s time for reality to make an appearance, the plans and hopes slip through my fingers like sand on the beach.
“So, are you on some kind of weird group text?” I nod toward his phone. “The only time my phone buzzes that much is when Dani puts me into a group text with half her family.”
“What? Oh, no it’s, uhm. It’s junk. I think I signed up for a gym membership somewhere and they sold my number or something. I dunno.” He turns it off and shoves it back in his pocket. There’s something he’s hiding from me, but I can’t tell what it is or how bad it is. No one gets this many texts from spam numbers in one day, not unless it’s election season.
“Well, are you going to tell me where we’re going?” I ask, giving in to the magnetic force that’s pulling me closer to him.
I should pull away. I should go home. It’s not right of me to use him after I’ve pushed him away, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. Using his protection and kindness is a slippery slope that could lead me to exploiting him to feel good again. Like a drug.
I laugh quietly, thinking about how this must look to an outsider like James. If you boil it down to its most basic elements, I’m a single woman walking at night in Los Angeles and of all the things the world tells me to fear, it’s my mother I’m worried most about. I take a quick glance at James, and I wonder what’s going through his mind. I wonder if he regrets telling me this morning about his feelings or asking me last night to go out with him sometime. I should give him an out, an escape. I don’t want to hear some idiot excuse from him later, like the other dates I’ve had. But if I’m being honest with myself, I like him here next to me. It’s comforting knowing that someone will fight my demons when all I can do is stand there, frozen in place, as they attack me over and over.
He lights a joint for me and the minute I inhale, my mind eases and my muscles relax. We walk, smoke, and talk. The smile on his face is foreign to me and I can’t wrap my head around it because it’s genuine. He’s not pretending to care or even asking me a million questions. It makes me wonder what happened in his life, that he gets it more than anyone else ever has.
“I’m so sorry you had to see that. You don’t deserve to be attacked like that.”
“Neither do you.”
Oh, but I do. I’m just another disappointment in a long line of failures in my mother’s eyes. My sister and I stole our father from her and have done nothing but take from her since we were born. She reminds us of that frequently.
“Can I ask you something?” His voice is soft, like he’s afraid he’ll scare me away. I nod. “Is she why you hold back? Did you say you weren’t the woman for me because you’re worried I’d be scared off by her?”
“No. Yes. It’s…complicated.” I shake my head, trying to get the words sorted before I say them. “You’re a nice guy, James. You deserve a good person who doesn’t come with baggage that includes an unstable mother who’s out to embarrass me and everyone I ever…”
I bite my lip before I can’t finish the thought because he doesn’t need to know the rest. Knowing the rest could give him hope that anything is going on between us. He’s making it hard not to like him, though—especially how his eyes sparkle whenever he looks at me as if my mother didn’t just call him horrible things and he didn’t watch me crumble under her wrath.
“Lex, it doesn’t matter if it’s as friends or if it’s more, your mother isn’t going to do a damn thing that will scare me away from you. No one can.” He stops and pulls his hoodie tighter around me. I can see in his face that he’s holding something back. “I, uhm…I know what it’s like, and I’ll never blame you for her actions because they’re not your fault. I stand by what I said earlier. You were very brave. I…couldn’t have done that.”
“I should be able to tell her to fuck off, though. To leave me the fuck alone.”
