“Can I?”
“Sure. Let me have it.”
She chewed at her lower lip for a second, staring at me before speaking.
“I kept hearing you say stuff about your plans for your future, but you never really spoke about Rick and how you felt about him. You never seemed head over heels for him. It was almost like you were more attached to the grand life Rick could give you thanbeingwith Rick.” She leaned forward, pinning me with her eyes. “Were you everreallyin love with him? Or just theideaof him?”
Her statement was like a physical blow. But it wasn’t far from the truth. Hadn’t I thought that very thing to myself just before I broke up with him? That I’d seen Rick more as a means to an end instead of a true relationship?
I hated that I’d been that shallow, and I didn’t want to admit that to my best friend.
“That’s… well, that’s crazy. Of course I loved him,” I said, fumbling my words as I spoke.
“You don’t sound convincing,” Lesley said. “I know your family history. I get it. You don’t want your life to end up like your mother’s. That’s a good reason to hold tight to an idea. I don’t think it’s a good reason to hold on to a person, though. Especially not one you aren’t completely sure is the one for you. You’ve never said it outright, but from what you’ve mentioned in the past, I can tell you’re scared of becoming your mom. Bouncing from guy to guy, chasing the high of a new relationship. You aren’t like your mom, Cameron.”
I wished I could be as sure about that as she was. Theexactthing I was afraid of was happening with Nate. I was drawn to him, enthralled by everything about him, and it terrified me. He was just a lonely wanderer. How could he provide for us the way someone like Rick could have?
Lesley was right. Mom wasalwaystrying to satisfy that feeling of love she’d had with my father. She went from man to man, heedless of how much that hurt her. Men who walked out, who stole from us, who left us worse off than before. Was that what I was doing with Nate? Following my hormones and not being analytical about it?
“There is… um, there’s something else, too,” I said, barely managing to get the words out. “Another guy.”
Lesley nearly dropped her fork. “Excuseme? Where has this fucking bombshell news been hiding?”
“It’s nothing. I met him last week. We haven’t done anything.” I chuckled ruefully. “Well, nothing really serious, anyway,” I said, blushing.
The memory of Nate, half-naked and wet, his lips on mine as his towel slipped lower and lower, filled my mind. I squirmed in the chair.
“I need info,” Lesley said, an eager smile on her face. “Who’s this guy? What’s he like?”
“He’s…” How to describe him? “Well, if I’m honest, he’s really fucking hot.”
Lesley laughed. “I need more than that. Eye color, height, the whole nine yards.”
“Gray eyes, sandy-brown hair that’s always messy from his motorcycle helmet.”
“No freaking way.” Lesley grinned. “You’ve got the hots for a biker? Is he one of those burly, bearded, dad-bod bikers?”
“Uh, no.” My cheeks went red. “He’s fit. Like,superfit. The guy looks like he’s neverseena cheeseburger, much less eaten one. He gave me a ride,” I added with a smile.
Lesley raised an eyebrow. “On the bike, or…” She waggled her eyebrows.
“Stop! The bike, of course. I told you we hadn’t done anything.” I looked at the floor, my face flaming, then I gave her an embarrassed shrug. “Well, that’s not exactly true. We might have kissed.”
“No way.” Lesley gaped at me like I’d told her I’d won the lottery. “You just kissed?”
Well, fuck. I’d already started the story. Might as well finish it.
“Uh…” I had to look away, unable to keep eye contact. “I might have… sort of… humped his leg until I came. We were fully clothed. Shit, I mean, I guess I was fully clothed. He was only wearing a towel.”
“Good lord,” Lesley said, laughing and clapping her hands with glee. “My sweet little friend is turning into a nympho. I’m so proud.”
“Shut up.” I tossed a piece of toast at her. “It felt really good in the moment, but after, I… well, I felt guilty.”
She frowned at me. “Why?”
“Because I’d broken up with Rick four hours before I started humping a new guy.”
Her mouth dropped open. “Okay. Yeah, I get why you’d feel guilty about that, but it just confirms that what you and Rick had wasn’t real.” She reached over the table and squeezed my hand.
