“I’m going crazy, great.” I whisper to myself, dropping the book on my lap, knowing I was getting nowhere with it.
It was only a matter of time before I lost my mind after all the shit I have gone through. I have been depressed, anxious, but the crazy…the crazy hasn’t shown up until now.
I grab the remote, hoping TV will have a stronger sense of distraction for my racing mind. I aimlessly click through channels that I’ve never seen in my life. We only had basic channels in Everton and were told that the outside world didn’t follow our customs or ways of life. So, we were limited on what we could see from the real world.We didn’t need our minds tainted, is what Mr. Donovan would tell me. I was just happy I could watch all of my princess movies when I first got there.
I see now that they just didn’t want me to know the truth.
Did they even legally adopt me? Was the foster home a foster home?
The questions swarm my mind, my chest heaves as I try to get air into my lungs. You would think with how many breaths I’m taking that some oxygen would reach my lungs, but here I am begging for air, more air.
I jolt to my feet, eager to move and my body not waiting for my mind to relax. I hightail it to Kameron’s room, running to the bathroom and splashing cold water on my face. I rub the chilledwater over my skin a couple of times before I let my eyes glance at the mirror.
I look like me. I know I’m me. But there is a part of me that feels like Ilookso much different than I did before.
He loves those eyes. He loves that hair. Samuellovesyou.
Fuck. That.
My eyes flicker to the medicine cabinet on the wall. I fling it open, scanning the contents of it. My hands fly up, shuffling through the things, hoping to find a lighter and any form of metal. I grab Kameron's razor on one of the thin shelves and stare at it for a moment.
I could crack this open, I could pull out one of the many blades. It would be simple.
Too easy.
It would be so much easier than the burns. I wouldn’t need a lighter or anything.
Just glide it across the skin. Just push and glide.
Push. Glide.
I hold the handle of the razor in my trembling hands, taking a step away from the blade, but it doesn’t help. The blades stay clutched in my hold.
My back hits the bathroom wall and I let myself slide down against it. My ass hits the cold floor as tears sting my eyes.
Do it. Pay your sacrifice, tell the Divine you’re sorry. The only way you know how. The only way youcan.Make it right again, saveyour damned soul.
No. no. no. no. no.
My vision grows fuzzy from the ringing in my ears, the tears welling in my eyes and my breath picks up. With shaky fingers, I hold the head of the razor and twist it hard. The crack of the plastic bounces off the walls sounding too loud as if to set off an alarm and the guys might come running in at any moment. I hold my breath listening for any commotion, footsteps running down the hall, but all my ears are met with is silence.
I suck in a shallow breath battling with myself to stop, to put the razor down. But the voice in the back of my head is stronger, louder.
You already have the blades, you’re so close to completing the sacrifice.
I whimper as my hands continue of their own volition.
I know it’s wrong. I know I shouldn't do this. I don’t want to, but my body is buzzing all over for the searing pain to rush through me. I twist the head of the razor again harder this time and the blades shift out of their neat rows. I pluck one and tug it out. My eyes scan the sharp, bent blade. It’s V-shaped which I wasn’t expecting. I examine it more, this thin small piece of metal. It's not a burn like I’m used to but a cut might give the same rush, right? Could it still make me feel better? Would it be a worthy sacrifice?
Give it to the Divine…pay for your sins. The sin you have become.
Tears pool over my lids, streaming down my face as I lift my shirt enough to expose the right amount of skin. I bring myquivering hand with the blade still in my grasp down on my skin, shutting my eyes and turning my head away as I press down hard and pull the metal across my abdomen. The pain instantly erupts through me, and I bite down on my lips to keep my scream muffled. My head grows light and a warmth spreads through my stomach.
Again.
The voice hisses at me and I don’t wait to think through it or hesitate. I glide the blade across my skin again, keeping my eyes shut and my face averted.
“What the fuck, Elliott?!”
