“You’re not depressed.”
“I know that. I told him that.” Ryan shook his head. “If he knew what was going on, believe me, he’d understand.”
“Yes he would. But he can’t know what’s going on.”
“I know that, Dad.” Ryan hit a key on his open laptop and the screen came to life, showing the front page of the local newspaper. “I was reading about Kathleen and her mom. The mom got her a job at this IT company where she’s a web designer, and they seem really close.” Ryan scrolled down, so a photo of Kathleen appeared next to one of her mother. “They’re both really pretty, aren’t they? They have the same smiles and eyes, like the shape is the same.” Ryan pointed at the photos. “See what I mean? I think they had a hard life. Janine Mae told me Kathleen’s mom and dad got divorced last year, and there was a big custody trial over her, that’s why the mom moved here from Seattle.”
“Ryan, I don’t think it’s a good idea to be thinking about her, so much.”
“This is the company where they worked.” Ryan scrolled down to a group photo. “So many people liked her and her mom. They interviewed them in the paper, you should see the stuff they said. They were super tight and they were always laughing, and the people they work with put up their own money for the reward and the company matched it, even this little company of, like twenty-five people, they put in their own money—”
“Ryan, stop.” Jake glanced at the laptop. “I don’t want you to keep researching her online.”
“I know, but I can’t help it, Dad. I try not to, but I just can’t help it. It’s all anybody at school’s talking about.” Tears brimmed in Ryan’s eyes, which were bloodshot. “Janine Mae was crying in school, Dad. She was crying about her best friend from the track team, who I killed. What if she found out it was me? She would hate me,Ihate me—” Ryan’s voice broke, and Jake leaned over and gave him a hug.
“Ryan, no, don’t. I know it’s hard now, but it’s going to be okay. We’re going to get through this together.”
“Dad, I don’t know, it’s like she’s always on my mind. I keep thinking about her, like that blackmailer said, like she’s my destiny or something.”
“No, no, don’t think that way. She’s not your destiny.” Jake felt his chest seize. “That guy was just making up those texts. He was trying to get to you. Don’t let him get to you.”
“No, but some of the stuff he said, it’strue.” Ryan pulled away, his expression anguished. “Like when he said that you can’t get away from me, Ifeellike that. I feel like I can’t get away from her.”
Jake felt terrified for him. “No, you just feel guilty. You’re a good person and you feel guilty. But that feeling will diminish in time.”
“No, no, I don’t think it will. It’s only getting worse, Dad.”
“Don’t say that!” Jake said, urgent. “If you keep saying things like that, you’ll make it true, and it doesn’t have to be true, not at all.”
“But I’m obsessed with her,obsessed.” Ryan shook his head in bewilderment. “Like no matter what, I’m thinking about her, and like, we’re studying that if you tell yourself not to think about something, the more it makes you think about it. That’s why I couldn’t go to Western Civ. I was walking to the door and I started to get so freaked, and I saw Caleb, and, he said, ‘What’s the matter with you, dude?’ He knew right away. I mean, I couldn’t get in control.”
“Caleb?” Jake asked, worried. “You didn’t tell him anything, did you? Wasn’t he the guy who sold you the dope?”
“The weed? Yes, right.” Ryan’s expression changed suddenly, as if a mask came over his unguarded features and he seemed to catch himself.
“Ryan? Did you tell him?”
“No, no, no way.” Ryan shook his head in a newly jittery way, and Jake could see he was hiding something.
“What? What happened? You’re a terrible liar, Ryan. I can see it all over your face. Did you tell him something? Anything?” Jake tried to control his fear, but it was impossible. “If you did, tell me now and we can deal with it. Don’t hide it from me. We’re in this together.”
“I didn’t tell him anything.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I didn’t say anything, not a word!” Ryan raised his voice, but Jake could see that he was protesting too much.
“Then what is it? What’s bothering you?”
“We smoked up, that’s all, Dad. I’m sorry—”
“You gothighatschool?” Jake asked, appalled.
“Yes, I’m sorry.” Ryan raked his hair back with a shaking hand. “Caleb told me it would help me mellow out for practice, and it really did. It did. It got me back in control.”
“No!” Jake practically cried out, feeling suddenly like everything was circling the drain. “Ryan, I did this to help you. It defeats the whole purpose if you start to fall apart. If you start to cut classes. If you start getting high. That’s not you. That never was and nevercan be—”
“I know, Dad, I know, I’m sorry—”
