He sits quietly for a moment, rolling his newly refilledwineglass between his palms. “I liked it here,” he says eventually, and he makes it sound so simple. Maybe itisthat simple. “When I was a kid and my dad moved back to Texas after the divorce—honestly, I thought he was literally moving to the Wild West. I believed all the stereotypes.” Not the funny ones, I knew, about cowboys and boots and riding horses to school—the ones about intolerance and prejudice. Shit that made Liam’s dad keep his distance, while Liam’s grandpa welcomed him in. “And while some of them are true, I fell in love with Heller. It has a small-town charm that reminds me of home, and all of Grandpa’s friends were so kind, inviting me to barbecues and block parties and offering to send my résumé to their kids’ schools. They were asking me to stay.”
He pauses to take another drink.
“And New York scared the shit out of me,” he says finally. “When we made all those plans, Sadie, I just—I relied so much on you. I knew it wouldn’t be all bad, not if you were there. I knew I’d find my place eventually if we could just get through those first couple of years. But I don’t think I even had that much in me. I couldn’t get used to the idea of being surrounded by so many people and having to pinch every penny, or having to fight for space on the sidewalk and in the subway. I felt like the city would swallow me whole. I felt like I would disappear.”
I used to love how crowded the city was. It reminded me that I was surrounded by people who were also striving to carve out a place for themselves in a city of dreams. There was community in that beautiful, passionate struggle. And though his words twist my heart, I know there were times when I’d felt the same—like if I wasn’t careful, I’d be swept away.
“But why not just stay in Connecticut, then?” I ask. “If you wanted something small-town, you could have found it there, too.”
Liam shrugs, picking up a chunk of the soft-boiled egg from his bowl. “I don’t know.” His mouth twists into a wry half smile. “I got sick of New England winters. I like the parks here. I like the calmenergy of the town.” He pauses. “And I suppose I wanted to stick around awhile to see if I could understand my dad more, and his dad—to figure out why he might have chosen this place.” I don’t point out what Liam doesn’t say:to figure out why he might have wanted to live so far away from me.
“It’s warm here,” I agree after a moment of quiet. “And not just in terms of the weather—though it is hot as balls—but the people are warm. You’ve really built a good community for yourself, Liam.”
He sips at his broth happily. “I’m glad you think so, Sade. I’m glad you’re a part of it.” I open my mouth again, but he beats me to the punch, smiling mildly as he corrects, “For now, at least.”
He juts his chin in my direction. “But what about you? Do you miss it?”
“Miss what?”
“The city.”
I take two thoughtful sips before I speak.
“I do,” I admit. “Parts of it.”
“Like what?”
I circle my finger around the rim of my wineglass. “Is it really crazy to say that I miss riding the subway?”
“Honestly? Yes.”
I grin. “There were plenty of times when it was gross, sure, but—I liked to just sit there and imagine where everyone was heading, y’know? What was their story? And in the summers, I would always get off a stop or two early, just to enjoy the walk. It felt like everyone in the world was outside, sitting at coffee shops or running across the street or reading on the grass in Bryant Park. There’s no better place on earth to people-watch than New York.”
I set my glass on the coffee table and hold my hands in front of my face, fingers curled as if I’m cradling a ball. “Really, Liam, I just felt like I had the world at my fingertips. Growing up, I always thought that New York was where thingshappened.That it waswhere people went tomakethings happen, right? I believed you could find whatever you were looking for in the city.”
It would have helped, perhaps, if I had known what I’d been looking for in New York. Even now I still don’t know what exactly I want—from the city or otherwise—and it leaves me feeling directionless. Unmoored.
“There was something so energizing about living moment to moment. For so long, I loved the rush of it, until…” My lips twist sourly. “Until I couldn’t keep up.”
Liam lets the words hang between us for a moment. I’d surprised myself with the admiration in my voice, the way I’d gushed about a city that had left me feeling so bone-tired.
He smiles gently. “Texas is good for that,” he says. “Slowing down.”
I let my head fall back against the couch’s cushions, let my eyes shutter closed. “It’s been so nice,” I admit. “You’ve been so nice. Everyone’s been sonice.”
“I get it, Noah’s very nice.”
I swat at his hand. “I adore Morgan and Jules, too, and we text all the time. We keep meaning to hang again soon, but I’ve been…distracted.”
“Uh-huh.”
I press my lips together to try to hide a smile before consuming my next mouthful of ramen. With so few noodles left in the bowl and my fine motor skills deteriorating with each glass of wine, my chopsticks are becoming unwieldy. Disadvantage on dexterity.
“I think you’ve needed this break for a long time, Sadie—and I’m glad you’re spending it with us. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of newbie players. I’ve never had a group take to the game as easily as you all have.” He exhales a whooshing sigh. “I’ll miss you guys, once it’s over.”
“Are we that near to the end?”
Liam lifts his shoulders in a sloppy shrug. “Depends. I supposeyou’re not too far off from confronting Shira…” His mouth twists in a lopsided grin. “We’ll just have to see.”
