“Good call,” Zayne says. He looks like he’s about to say more when Mike stands and taps his glass to get our attention.
He rakes his free hand through his hair and looks completely at ease, but I can tell there’s a hint of tension in his body language. I have no idea what he’s going to say though.
“I’m really glad that we’re all back together tonight,” he begins. “I thought about just coming back, enjoying a meal, and hanging out as if nothing happened. But the truth is, something did. And I’m not just talking about the fight the other day.”
I look around the table and see everyone go still.
“We’re all a little out of sorts because the person who always kept every situation light, the guy who made sure we never took ourselves too seriously, and the guy who is the reason we’re all here, isn’t.” He pauses and I watch him swallow hard to collect himself. “I’m sure we’ve all processed Matt’s death to some degree, but I feel like maybe we need to talk about it as a group—as his friends—and maybe address the elephant in the room. Maybe we need to stop tiptoeing around the subject because it’s sad or painful. And maybe it’s time that we’re all honest with one another.”
Uh-oh…
“It seems to me the fight y’all had the other day came from a place of brutal honesty. You said all the things you’ve been secretly thinking but were afraid to say.” He glances directly at Loren. “And while they definitely should have been said in a kinder way—and some things maybe shouldn’t have been said at all—if we’re all truly friends, we should be able to have conversations about what we’re thinking or feeling without everyone freaking out.”
Double uh-oh…
When he turns his attention back to the rest of us, I’m sure I look like a deer in the headlights.
“I’m going to go first,” Mike announces, holding up his wineglass. “I knew Matt since kindergarten. He was one of my best friends, but he was also one of the most flawed people I’ve ever known. But that didn’t happen until later on. While I choose to focus on the good memories, that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten the bad ones.”
Then he turns to Olivia, and I swear I feel like I can’t breathe.
“What he did to you was beyond shitty, and I’m sorry that we didn’t do more to put an end to it. For what it’s worth, I think he truly wanted to be better for you. And he loved you in his own twisted way. We talked about you a lot over the years, and he had a lot of regrets. I think you’re the only one he felt that way about. I don’t expect that to make anything better, but I wanted you to know that I see you and I’m sorry if I contributed to all the pain you’ve felt.”
Another pause, but no one utters a word.
“I will say this,” he continues. “I am going to seriously miss his laugh and how he just breathed a whole other level of life into every situation.” His voice catches on that last word as he lifts his glass to the sky. “I’m gonna miss you, buddy.”
We all nod and I’m not sure who’s going to speak next.
I’m utterly stupefied when Olivia stands up.
15
OLIVIA
It’s almost comical the way everyone’s eyes go wide when I stand, but for some reason, I’m compelled to say something.
“You all know my history with Matt, so we don’t need to address that. One of the reasons writing his eulogy was so hard was because there were just so many conflicting emotions there. You may not believe it, but…I do remember all the fun we had before…before,” I say quietly. “I wrote a brutally honest eulogy almost immediately after I spoke to Mrs. Serrano. It was important to get it all out of my system.”
“Do you still have a copy of it saved?” Zayne asks with a grin, and I know he’s just trying to lighten the mood a bit.
“Sadly, no,” I tell him. “After I read it, it made me feel awful. Like…there was a lot of hate there and I think it said more about me than him. But it also left me struggling to find something good to say.”
I look down at Ash and smile.
“Luckily, I met someone who helped me piece it all together and nudge me in the right direction.” I let out a long breath. “I stayed away for a long time because…Matt was a reminder of a time I wanted to forget. We were civil, but I wouldn’t say that he was my friend. But Matt being Matt, he didn’t see it that way. I’m not sure if he ever told anyone, but…he was determined to find the right guy for me. He said it was his mission to do it since he had so clearly been the wrong guy who did a lot of damage.” The snort is out before I can stop it. “Maybe that’s another reason I stayed away. I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of him pawning all kinds of random guys on me.”
Everyone nods and there are a few soft laughs because they all clearly get what I’m saying.
“Anyway, I appreciate you saying what you did, Mike. That means a lot to me. I get that we were young and there are a lot of people who say I should just get over it, but…it obviously left some scars. But that’s just because…there was a lot of love there.” I pause. “Well, maybe not love, but at the time, that’s what it felt like to me.”
Dammit. There are tears streaming down my face and I hate that I couldn’t get through a simple speech without crying.
I take a moment before raising my glass. “There’s a quote: ‘Scars are proof that we lived,’” I say. “So I guess I should say thank you to Matteo Serrano for helping me see that I indeed lived, loved, and overcame. In all of my feelings, I never wished this on you. But I am glad that we never had to do the whole awkward setting me up on a blind date thing, so…”
With that, I take a sip of my wine as everyone chuckles, and then sit down. Sebastian reaches over and gently grasps my hand before kissing it. I’m afraid to look at him because I’m feeling so vulnerable, and maybe a little weird about talking so freely about my ex now that he and I are involved.
Then I realize how stupid it is to feel that way, since that’s essentially how the two of us initially got acquainted.
