Does West Coast sand feel different from East Coast sand? Is the Pacific Ocean different from the Atlantic?
“I guess I’m going to find out,” I murmur as I make my way down a flight of wooden stairs that lead directly to the sand. I slip my flip-flops off and I’m glad I went for a one-piece bathing suit and a sarong. The sun is hot, the air is salty, and I just head directly for the water, eager to get my feet wet.
I think the beach is now officially my happy place. Who knew?
A small wave rushes to greet me, washing over my bare feet, and I jump at the coolness of it. I was expecting it to be warmer, but it’s not. Or maybe I’m just a big baby about this sort of thing. Either way, I settle in and just allow myself several long moments to savor it all. I take deep, slow breaths, and let them out just as slowly as every bit of tension leaves my body until I’m essentially boneless.
Eventually, I walk along the shore, marveling at the houses I pass, and smile at the people. When I finally reach a spot that’s fairly deserted, I decide to sit and enjoy a little quiet time.
And have that one-sided conversation because it’s fresh on my mind.
“Do they have beaches in heaven?” I muse softly. “If anyone would have told me you were going to be the person to have this much of an effect on my life—the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, and some crazy stuff in between—I wouldn’t have believed them. I feel like from the moment we met there was a connection and no matter how hard I tried over the years to sever it, you were always there on the fringe. Mostly in the form of bad memories.”
I pause to just watch the waves crashing, because it’s oddly soothing. There’s something dramatic about it; I love watching them form and build and then crash before disappearing.
“I think I held onto those memories as an excuse to not fully engage in my life,” I go on. “I didn’t want to risk getting hurt again, so I put that on you. But, let’s be honest, you deserved it. You really were a crappy, crappy boyfriend, and I was too trusting and naïve to know it at the time.”
I sigh, even though the words are right there, just waiting to come crashing out.
Much like the waves in front of me.
“I put a lot of pressure on everyone because of my anger and my hurt. I just expected everyone to feel the same way I did, and that was so wrong. All it did was isolate me from the people I love the most in this world. But these last six weeks have been so eye-opening, Matt, and there is no one I need to thank more than you. And you know what? I kind of hate that I’m saying this to the sky—to your spirit. I hate that you’re not here because now that so much has finally become clear to me, I want to share it with you. I know that you’d have the biggest smile and probably be happier for me than even I am. That’s just who you were. You wanted nothing but happiness for your friends. I’m just sorry I could never accept truly being your friend. You were always going to be that guy who broke my heart.”
God, I sound so freaking juvenile. How have people even tolerated me for the last ten years?
“But you were also the guy who made it his life’s ambition to make other people smile. You were everyone’s biggest cheerleader, and I think we’re all a little lost without you. That beach trip was…well…it was kind of a shitshow for a bit, and I have to wonder if it would have gotten that way if you were there.” I pause and chuckle. “Of course, if you were still here, we probably wouldn’t have been there. Still, I think you could have put a lot of everyone’s anger and anxiety at ease. That was one of your gifts. Even when you were the one doing something wrong to me, you always tried to find a positive spin, you manipulative bastard.”
I say the last part with love.
Sort of.
“The thing is…losing you forced me to deal with a lot of things that I was ignoring and it opened my eyes to so many possibilities. Like Ash. You sneaky little bastard. You never got around to introducing us, and yet somehow, we still met because of you. And as much as it pains me, you were one hundred percent right. He is my other half. I was afraid of the connection because it was so strong that I didn’t trust it to be real. But it is.”
There’s a group of people approaching and I let myself go quiet until they pass.
Tilting my head back, I simply let the sun beat down on me. It’s so hot out and I already know I shouldn’t stay out here for too long, but I’m still enjoying it.
When I feel like everyone’s out of earshot, I go back to my one-sided conversation.
“Here’s the thing, Matt. Here’s the one thing I need you to know. I feel like everything we went through—the good and the bad—brought me to this point. To Ash. To my self-discovery. To my appreciation of the people in my life. It’s all thanks to you. So thank you. Thank you for all of it. Every minute. Maybe this is the good kind of karma, huh? I hate to think that this is my reward when you’re never going to get to experience any of these things. That part guts me. I know you lived every day to the fullest, but I know you weren’t done. Every time I think of that, it devastates me.”
The shuddery sigh is out before I can stop it, and I need a moment to compose myself.
“I hope you can hear me,” I say, my voice trembling. “I hope you can see all the good you created and know how much you are missed. Thank you for sending me Ash. Sebastian.” I smile. “I can see both sides of him—the changes in him when he’s working as Sebastian, and when the more playful side comes out, he’s Ash. You did that. I know he regrets that he never thanked you for all you did for him, and that’s his conversation to have with you. Either way, thank you. Fly high, Matteo. I’d say rest easy, but I don’t think that’s possible for you.”
I blow a kiss to the sky because I’m not sure what else to do. But out of the corner of my eye, I see someone walking toward me. I squint against the brightness and realize it’s Ash.
What the…?
Why isn’t he at work?
I don’t get up; I stay sitting in the sand and wait for him. But the closer he gets, I can see the peaceful smile on his face. And when he reaches me, he just plops down in the sand beside me.
“I thought I’d eventually find you out here,” he says, but he’s looking out at the ocean.
“I was wondering if West Coast sand felt different from East Coast sand.”
“And?” he prompts as he faces me.
