I let out a long breath in a huff.
“I realized today that I’m scared that I’m going to mess up our relationship because I don’t even know what love truly looks like since I grew up in such an emotionally stunted family! What if I can’t love you the way you deserve? What if I screw this all up because I don’t know how?” The words fly out of my mouth, leaving me breathless again.
He doesn’t respond.
If anything, it’s like dead air on the other end of the phone, and it’s like my worst fears are being realized.
I think I just ruined this relationship before it even had a chance to begin.
18
ASH
For a moment, I’m too stunned to speak.
Olivia’s admission is huge; that’s a given. And what I’m getting from it is that she’s insecure, but she wants to love.
Me.
She wants to love me.
So obviously I need to make sure my response puts her mind at ease and…
“Oh God…you’re not saying anything,” she says frantically. “I ruined this, right? You’re thinking of a nice way to let me down easy. Shit. Crap. What the hell was I thinking? I had a single glass of wine with dinner and…okay, maybe it was a really large glass, but it was still only one!”
She’s spiraling, but I don’t want to shout and startle her. “Liv?”
“And I mean…I get it, okay? I was a freaking mess the day you met me, and that was sort of my MO for those first few days, but…this isn’t normally me! Maybe you just prefer the hot mess, I don’t know! I just…dammit, Sebastian, I freaking love you and I don’t want to mess this up between us, but I think my stupid lack of confidence is going to do just that!”
“Liv…”
“If you met my family, you’d totally get it. But then again, I don’t want you to meet them because they’re awful. Your family sounds so sweet and wonderful…and normal. The Ashleys are not. Trust me. Ask anyone.”
“Liv,” I say, firmer.
“And then there’s the whole Matt thing. They actually liked him! Ha! It didn’t matter how much he screwed me up; somehow, they thought I was the one in the wrong! What parent does that? And what does that say about me, huh? I thought I was in love with Matt! All this time I’ve looked back and said I really loved him, but…did I? Because I have to tell you, I never felt even one-tenth for him what I feel for you! So…what does that mean? Do I even know what love is? Can you even believe it when I say it? Will it be…?”
“Olivia!” I shout, because clearly that’s the only way I’m going to be heard. “Can you please just…breathe?”
She’s quiet, so I’m hopeful she’s doing just that.
I swallow hard and decide to just lead with my heart. “Olivia, I don’t care about your family. I know that sounds harsh, but there it is. I care about you and only you. I love you. And it doesn’t matter if you’re in hot mess mode or completely chilling like we were on the beach. I love all of it. All of you.”
“Oh, Ash…”
“You have no idea how much I wish I were there with you right now—walking on the beach, holding your hand, and then holding you close as we look up at the stars. Then we’d go back inside and curl up in bed together and talk about the entire day as if we didn’t experience it all together already.” I resent my job so much at this moment. “We’re going to have it all again soon; I know it. Well, without the beach part.”
“Mmm…I’m really going to miss the beach. I didn’t realize how much I already missed it until we got here. I hate that this trip is almost over, but I know it means I’ll be back in Seattle and moving back soon. But yeah…beach.”
“Then I guess we’ll have to make a conscious effort to get to the coast,” I tell her. “Even if it’s not to Vanessa’s place, we’ll find another house or another beach to go to.”
She hums with approval. “I like the sound of that.”
So do I.
“I’m sorry I got so crazy a minute ago. The same thing happened when I was talking to the girls earlier. It all just hit me how much my family dynamic messed me up. It was never a huge issue before—although it was on other levels—but now that I’m with you? I got worried.”
Damn.
