“Yeah, but they happened,” I insist. “They’re part of our history.”
“Aye, but—see, you and your family seem to treat the shite things as theonlyhistory you have. And you’re so much more. I’m very sorry that they can’t see that, Charlie. Because they are missing a big part of you.”
I shrug helplessly. “I don’t think they ever saw me how I actually am. Just the worst things I’ve done, or the expectations I haven’t lived up to. That I didn’t follow the script, like Michael did.”
“You’re not Michael. And things happen. But look—you’re doing incredible now,” Ben points out to me. “You’ve got a brilliant daughter and you’re working through uni. And you’ve got goals and discipline. I ken that’s more than plenty.”
We contemplate each other. He’s right, but why do I still feel so hollow? I run a hand through my hair, which probably looks a mess from the rain and wind.
“I just feel like a disappointment.”
“You’re not. You’re lovely. I wish you could see it. And…you’re not a teenager looking for their approval. You’re an adult and live on your own terms. I mean, are they paying for your uni and lodgings?”
I shake my head. “Not a penny. I insisted. To prove to them and myself that I can make it on my own, after everything.”
“There you go. Shake off those chains, lovely. They’re invisible and they’re not serving you.”
“But they’re my family.”
“Do they respect you and treat you like family? Would you treat your daughter like that?”
Startled, I snap my head up, fully alert now. “No, of course not.”
“So if that’s not okay, why is it okay for them to treat you like that?”
“It’s not,” I admit, uncomfortable. “I mean, Michael and Jenna and Great Aunt May are cool. It’s just my parents.”
We’re quiet for a long moment. Ben still has my hand. He’s considering me, grave and tired and disheveled himself from the stormy afternoon, indoors and out.
“There’s the family you’re born into. And then there’s the family you choose, gorgeous.”
I gulp. And look over at the board with Em and Carys, Katherine and me. And how is it I don’t have any photos of Ben, like I’m scared he might go at any moment. Like I don’t deserve a shot at happiness like anyone else. “How come you’re so wise?”
“I’ve been through things too. And I had to grow up young,” Ben admits. “So, my road’s not been easy either.”
“There’s just another thing too.”
“Anything.”
“Like, you’re going to go away. You’re going to go to all of these fantastic new cities. And see all of these people. And you’ll wow everyone, like you do. And…how do I fit in all of that?”
“There’s only one Charlie Renfrew out there, in all of those cities and even countries,” Ben points out. “And I want you. I love you, Charlie.”
A sound passes through me. Of want and exasperation and God knows what else. I can’t accept that he feels that way, even though I’m starting to feel the same way, very much.
And it’s impossible.
“Feelings are one thing. Reality’s another. I mean, listen. You’re planning on being some big rock star. And I’m planning on being a dad. You’re aiming for awards and accolades. People in my band will probably quit after uni and go on to sterling careers in accountancy and insurance and who knows what, but more than that, I’m going to be working to support Carys and Emily for many years. So how doesthatwork out between us?” I protest in frustration. “It can’t.”
“Charlie, Charlie.” He catches my shoulders and gazes seriously at me, his eye contact unwavering. “There’s a way if you want us to make a way. We can find one.”
“How?” I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter what I feel. There’s so much to navigate. Like, shit, I hate to agree with my parents, but we do come from different worlds. And our future worlds look different too.”
“They’re only different if that’s what you want,” Ben whispers, his voice rough with emotion. “You know what I want.”
“I know, but…”
“We don’t need to sort this out tonight. We can just leave it. If you want. And see how things go. I don’t want to push you into something you don’t want. If you want me, I need you towantme.” Ben searches my eyes.
