His eyes well up and I take his hand between mine. “I’m so sorry.”
Seeing his face crumple for a moment catches something in me.
A couple of tears escape before he wipes them away with the back of his hand. “Sorry. I don’t mean to ruin the night. We’re supposed to be celebrating the end of the ban.”
Squeezing his hand, I shake my head. “I want to know things about you. I just don’t want you to feel pressured to tell me anything you don’t want to share, out of some sense of obligation.”
“I wanted to tell you. I was trying to think of a way. I didn’t mean for that to be tonight, though.”
Ben’s vulnerable before me. Shifting, I lean over to give him a kiss. “We all have something. I guess it’s my turn. I had a wild child past and it’s a serious personal failing that I can’t get on with my parents. Nothing I do pleases them. Even though I’m clean now, they still see the past when they look at me, you know? And they won’t accept that I’m gay. Mum’s especially in denial. I took off early from dinner, before they could get to the usual chatter about trying to fix me up with some friend of the family’s daughter.”
For a moment, it all comes back: the beige room, the standoff with my mother over Carys and the distinct lack of girlfriend in my life, and the endless failure of not living up to their expectations.
“They’re always comparing me to my brother, Michael. He’s a success in all of the ways that someone can be a success. He’s about to propose to his girlfriend, Jenna. And I’m not like that. Quite the opposite, in fact. My parents can’t forgive me for my past addictions. Or for Carys. Being gay is the offensive cherry on top.”
He grimaces. “Ach, Charlie. That’s all so unfair. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, it was a bit shit.” Downplaying Christmas makes sense. I mean, to a point I get why my parents are angry about my past fuck-ups, in addition to creating problems for the family likely meaning some loss of social street cred in their circles. “I’m basically the family pariah for life. I, er, bailed early from Christmas dinner because Mum wouldn’t stop going on about me not bringing any girlfriends home and I was all fuck that, she knows I’m gay. And I don’t want to put anyone through that, even if I did take them home to meet my family. As unimaginable as that is.”
“I’m sorry Christmas was so rough. And about the girlfriend business.” Ben considers me, chewing his lip. “If you think it’s all right, and if you want, I’d like to meet them one day.”
“After all of that?” I ask, incredulous. “Why? Are you a sucker for punishment? Wait. I know the answer to that.”
Laughing with delight, he shakes his head when he settles again. “No, it’s not that. It’s just…I want to learn more about you, Charlie. Where you come from. And to show them that someone else thinks you’re absolutely brilliant.”
“Cheers for the vote of confidence, but it’d be a nightmare,” I warn him wryly. He has no idea about the ice storm that is my mother. “But I’ll think about it. I’m sure there’ll be something where you can meet them, if you still really want to.”
Ben brightens at that. “’Kay. Though…I’m going to be on tour for a while. I don’t know if the dates will line up, but we have breaks.”
“Well, let’s see how that works out. If you don’t change your mind.” I shake my head. “My family life’s a mess, admittedly.”
“What about Carys’s mum?” Ben’s expression is a combination of curiosity and…a trace of anxiety? He hesitates for a moment. “You spent Christmas together?”
“Not like that. It’s not romantic in the slightest, believe me,” I say hurriedly, in case he gets the wrong idea. “We’re just good friends. Best friends since school. And I’m gay. Just…one night a couple of years back we had alotto drink after a night out and I guess I was hetero curious as well as off my face, and Carys happened. And…we worked through some stuff. I did too. And we’re good friends, though I wouldn’t call her my ex, because we didn’t ever date. It was only a one-night stand. To my mother’s disappointment, we didn’t get married after she learned we planned to keep the baby. I said, Mum, there’s no way in this lifetime I would ever marry a woman. Not even Emily. Not at nineteen, or ever. Fuck. But Em’s family, and she will always be family to me. And we both agree to put Carys first. Before anything else.”
Ben nods, looking understanding.
A pang of nerves hits then.
Ben’s a rocker on the up, which will mean loads of time away, like he mentioned. And the rocker lifestyle of parties and drinks and glamour, while my world is one of routines and saving and nappy changes, and always planning the next trip to Wales. It’s hard to imagine how this can work out longer than a few dates. My fingers twist the beer mat around.
“My life’s not like what you’ve been through with your dad, though.”
He shakes his head. The pub lights limn his hair and shoulders like liquid gold, slightly backlit. “I think…I think we all have things, Charlie. Like I said that day. I suppose it’s a matter of finding people that can live with the things that you’ve done or been through.”
That resonates with me, in my gut, and he’s right. It’s not about finding the perfect person, but the one that gets you and loves you, flaws and histories and all.Especiallybecause of the flaws and histories and everything else that goes along with life.
I give him another kiss for that, and his mouth lingers on mine. If only I could kiss his grief away, his loss. But I realize now it’s part of him, part of what makes him live in the moment like he does. And now it makes a lot more sense about the van too.
“I know you said that Emily isn’t your ex, but I should probably tell you about mine,” Ben confesses over his pint.
“You’re not obligated to,” I assure him, squeezing his free hand in mine as it rests on the table. He chews on his bottom lip. Bloody adorable, except for the fact he’s angsting. “Only if you want.”
“I want to,” Ben says. “You’ll probably hear about him sooner rather than later. Since…well, we’re dating now?” He looks at me for confirmation, a hopeful smile on his lips.
“Yes. RIP, dating ban.” I chuckle and give his hand another squeeze. “It’s officially canceled. And I’m all ears.”
He smiles at that, but the pensive look remains. “His name is Maximus. He’s a musician too.”
