If only we could let days pass like this and time didn’t have meaning, caught inside a snowy alternate London where it’s him and me and nothing else exists.
It’s safe to say that after tonight, I’m officially addicted to Ben. And that can’t be.
Chapter Ten
In the dead of night, I awaken in a soul-wracking panic, turning onto my back as I suck in cold air. And I’m naked. Everything’s unfamiliar and the bed doesn’t feel right. It’s a proper bed, for starters. Luxurious, which is the first sign something’s wrong. Not saggy.
Where the hell am I? What’s going on?
And someone’s beside me.
There’sneversomeone beside me.
Fuck.
Then I force a breath, then another.
There’s no time to panic. I need to think.
Pick three things to focus on. The softness of the pillow. The dark of the room. The strange comfort of the bed. That’s three, and oh shit—
I remember in a rush: Ben.
And do I ever remember Ben. What a night. Incredible. Talk about forbidden pleasures, and then some.
A glance over shows he’s sleeping curled on his side next to me, his face in shadow and his silhouette limned in moonlight. And hell—he’s beautiful.
What did I just do?
There’s no time for such things. I can’t have any more of Ben, because this indulgence could lead to…well, who knows what that might lead to. I can’t risk it. He’s a gateway drug. People as amazing as Ben aren’t for me, even if I did date.
Which I don’t.
Dating is something that my friends do. I hear all of their wild stories about who they’ve pulled or the epic disasters following big nights out. Stories over pints that happen to other people, not me these days. Just like the stories I read for uni, I’m observing life happening for other people, while my life is on hold. And for good reason. The most important reasons.
And besides, this isn’t real. It’s just another hookup.
Let’s be honest. A proper musician wouldn’t want to date me. Not one that’s successful. I mean, I’m more than all right for a night out, but that’s got to be it. He must have mistaken me for some other barista who has a band and goes to uni. In fact, he must leave a string of devastated baristas in his wake, because frankly he’s seriously devastating.
Time for a reality check, Charlie.
If only I hadn’t been such a mess-up when I was a teenager. How different would my life be now? I could do anything I wanted. Like that of my friends, carrying on in the usual carefree way at the bar and going to parties and not worrying about too much.
But I fell in with the wrong set back in school, young and fast. Over-the-top living. I got kicked out of a couple of boarding schools and nearly kicked out of home too. In that blur of drug-induced highs and lows, Emily was my confidante, and one thing led to another one night, and along came our daughter. Carys is the best thing in my life, but I’ve got a high price to pay for the shit I’ve pulled. I fought hard to get to this point. The stakes are too high if I fail—not for me, but for Emily and Carys.
I can’t let them down. They need me.
My stomach knots. I grip the edge of the covers, staring up at the blackness of the ceiling in the low light.
The best thing to do—the most sensible thing—is to pretend this didn’t happen. That way, when Ben’s just a stockroom memory, I won’t miss him. He’ll find some real rocker to be with who’s his equal, who actually goes and plays regular gigs and tours and records. Not some sop of a barista slogging through his wreck of a life in Soho, trying to support his small daughter.
This is way too risky. Opening up more to Ben, no matter how tempting it is, or how interested he seems—it’s too dangerous. No matter how much I want him. Wanting just leads to trouble.
Shifting, I ease upright, careful to not disturb Ben, who I swear looks like a naughty angel in his sleep, minus the wings.
I peel the blankets back. Better slip out now, just get home to think. It’d be better for everyone before this goes any further.
But oh, he’s so tempting, lying in bed like that. I’d love to curl up around him and stay in bed and not worry about anything for a long while. Till dawn. But seeing dawn together would mean this indulgence has carried on a second day, and that can’t be. I shake my head, hoping to clear it of my confusion and want.
