I gulp. Every hair on my body’s electric. Goose bumps cascade across my skin. I stare at him. And then words tumble out, shocking us both.
“I had to come to Edinburgh to tell you something important.” I stand tall, take his hands. “I love you, Ben.”
Ben’s quiet as he stares at me, a riot of emotion across his face. Now it’s his turn to look torn between joy and panic and despair.
“And?” he whispers.
“And, if you’ll have me, I want to be your boyfriend. To wake up to you. To imagine being with you even after winter goes. That I’ll wake up on some sunny summer weekend and you’ll be there. That you’ll be part of my life, every bit of it—”
And then, right then, Ben catches my face between his hands, kissing me so reverently, so urgently, that I lose my bearings. We could be anywhere, just us.
We’re pressed against the wall, our kisses fierce. Ben doesn’t seem to know whether to laugh or cry, his eyes suspiciously wet.
“I figured you wouldn’t want me. That it was too complicated,” Ben gasps between kisses. “With everything you have on.”
“It is complicated, but I realized I fell in love with you. And that’s something I can trust. I know I can trust you.”
Our kisses blaze. We stumble to the bed, all fingers and kisses and rawness. We practically fall into it. My hands under that jumper might have been the final straw, my fingers tracing his abs, the curve of his ribs.
I kiss Ben thoroughly.
“Charlie?”
“Yes?”
“You know I love you too, right?”
The reminder warms me from the inside out. I catch his face between my hands, kiss him lingeringly.
“I love you too, you numpty.” It’s exhilarating to say it out loud.
Now we’re giddy, unable to stop laughing, a clumsy tangle of half-frozen fingers and adrenaline as we undress each other. When I help him out of his cloud of a jumper, his pale skin is warm against my body. We tumble together onto the bed.
Together, we’re all kisses, hands tracing each other’s bodies like we map a new landscape. Like our bodies know that it’s a homecoming.
Ben, down to his shorts, pauses between kisses. “You really do want me?”
“Of course. Of course,” I murmur against his skin, pressing him down against the bed, pressing his wrists to the down of the pillows. “So much, Ben.”
He gasps as my teeth rake the softness of his shoulder, his skin hot against mine. With every tease, every nip, every kiss, he surrenders more.
And Ben laughs, and he cries. And I do too.
“I thought you wouldn’t. I really thought you wouldn’t…”
I pause to hold him tight, to gaze into the comfort of his eyes. “I always wanted you. I just figured you could do better than me. And I needed to take care of Carys. But Emily’s helpfully reminded me more than once that I can have a relationship and be a good dad, too. That I can have both.”
Ben nuzzles my neck. I shiver.
“I know your family comes first.”
“I think…I think you’ve become my family too, Ben. You slipped under my skin when I wasn’t looking.”
His smile is huge. “Aye. I’m prone to do that. Watch out.”
We laugh, holding each other.
“I don’t know what everything will look like,” I say. “But I think…I think we’ll figure it out together.”
