A sigh escapes me. I focus back on Ryan as Gemma returns to shelving books. “Thanks for stopping in, by the way.”
“Well, I was in the neighborhood. Thought to check in. I’m going later to meet up with Eli,” Ryan explains.
“Yeah?” I give him a curious look. Now that’s interesting.
“I need a couple of things from the flat. And to talk.”
I redden. “I’m, er, very sorry if I’ve come between you at all.”
Ryan gazes at me. “I think it’s less the real you than the fantasy version of you that Eli had in his head. He was never a hundred percent in, you know? Kind of like he was holding out some hope you’d come back.”
That I’d come back? He left me.
I shake my head. “That’s not going to happen.” I’m certain of it, part of my realization after drinks with Eli. At long last, I’m letting go. There’ll be a part of me that’ll always love Eli, pain in the arse that he is, because he was my first love, my first long-term boyfriend as an adult. “He’ll always be important to me, but I don’t see a future together. Just history, I guess. And history sometimes makes people foolishly nostalgic, remembering only the good bits and glossing over the bad.”
Ryan chuckles at that. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude.”
“Not at all. Honestly, you can ask me anything at this point,” I say.
“What happened to the man you brought to my birthday?”
My shoulders sag. “He’s gone home. To America.”
Thousands of miles away, and part of me was still hoping that it was him who turned up earlier on my doorstep unannounced.
“And…are you still seeing each other?”
I shake my head as loss washes over me, too close and uncomfortable. What to say? “I don’t think he was ready.”
Ryan gives me a curious look. “I saw the way he looked at you, though.”
I blink. “The way he looked at me?”
“Like you were the only person there.” Ryan considers me thoughtfully. “Like you were the only person that mattered.”
I gulp. “Well, I’m sure you saw the papers.”
“I did.”
“That complicated things. Made things more real, and harder for various reasons. Mainly for him. I don’t really care what the media says about me. I’m terribly boring and won’t hold their interest for long. But Blake’s a different story. He has a lot more riding on his public image.”
Ryan nods as he listens. “As an actor, right?”
“Apparently he’s a hit on Instagram too.”
“Like an influencer?”
I give a helpless shrug. “That’s well beyond me, I’m afraid. I just know that he wanted to be the one to control what was being put out there about him, rather than it being done on his behalf.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
Ryan gazes at me. “What doyouwant?”
“Want?” Normally, I’m a reasonably literate person and words are up my street. A simple word like “want” shouldn’t be such a shock to my system, like he’s speaking another language. It’s like ice water to the face. The idea of “want” is an unthinkable shock.
He nods. “Want.”
