"But I've told myself it was ok. And when the Huntsman grabbed her and you needed her, I said it was fine. I waited, and I was patient, and I tried so fucking hard not to push into your business, but there's one thing you can't seem to understand." I paused to pull in a breath, bracing for the worst. "I'm in love with her."
He glanced down and actually chuckled. "I know."
"She told you?"
He shrugged, then slowly looked up again. For a long time, his eyes held mine, and then he flicked his hand. Vivid green washed around the walls of the room, sinking into the strange substance which looked like plaster and roots. I twisted, unsure what spell he'd just cast, but Torian simply crossed his arms and leaned back.
"She's in my head."
"What?" He had my full attention with those words. "You're obsessed with her?"
He chuckled at that. "Not that way, Rain. Those words are literal." He slowly licked his lips, then leaned forward to tap his finger against the table. "I remember the Winter gardens. Nothing clear, but vague, childish glimpses of the plants passing by as she was carried. I remember the trip to Earth. The tunnel that leads to the gate, and the screams of her guardian as the door slammed closed behind them. That's how I knew how to get here, but following a child's confused memory? Not easy. I needed help."
"Torian, what are you saying?" I asked.
So he tapped the side of his skull. "She is in my head, Rain. Growing up, we'd reach out for each other, mentally. Looking through each other's eyes, hearing through each other's ears, and listening to each other's thoughts. When I was scared, she'd calm me. When she was lost, I'd give her something to hold on to. Sometimes, we'd go weeks without connecting, but then a strong emotion, or a bit of loneliness, would slam us back together."
"Like, mind speech?" I asked, making sure I was keeping up.
"More." He offered me a tentative smile. "But our link also allows us to do things we shouldn't be able to, like trade magic."
"Wait." I lifted a finger, begging him to let me get a question in. "So, what about when everyone gives it to me?"
"We just hit you with a conjuration," he admitted. "Aspen likes to use safe things, like protection from cuts, or increased strength. I sometimes hit you with curses that let me vent."
"Uh-huh." Because of course he did.
He laughed once, making it clear he could see my thoughts on my face. "But the problem? When the Huntsman grabbed her, you were the only chance she had. That's why I came, because she called for me, and when she blew through all her magic, I took her hand and gave her more through our link. Then you used up all of that, so I pulled more. I pulled from the world. I burned everything I had, lighting up our mental connection, and…" He paused, glancing over at the wall. "Something went wrong."
"What did?" I asked.
He shrugged. "This thing in my head no longer has an off switch. She's there. Always. Sometimes, she can push me so far away, I don't know anything, but I can still feel her. When the Hunt came that night? The one in the early morning? I woke up because I felt her fear! And when she's happy, I hear her. Fuck, she is always thinking. Just rambling to herself in her head, and it's soloud. And you?" He tossed his hands up. "She can't stop fucking thinking about you! How you smile, the color of your eyes, the way your hair is messy in the morning. It doesn't fucking matter."
Holy shit. There was no way. "Do all fae do this?" I asked.
He shook his head. "No fae does this. And here's the part you're missing. No one else knows about this except Wilder and Hawke. Aspen told Wilder. Hawke figured it out while he and I were still with the Sparks and asked, so I verified. We didn't tell Liam, so he didn't tell Bracken or Ivy Rhodes, which means it wasn't a part of our promise. That's why I can actually tell you this. It isn't something I want anyone to know - unless I trust them completely."
"Really?" I asked, pretty sure he was trying to say he actually trustedme.
"It's also not an easy thing for me to admit," he said. "But I do, and you need to know. Rain, when we burned open our link - helpingyou- I lost the ability to close it. That's what changed. That's why my control is fucked, because I can't fucking concentrate with her constant inner monologue. She's…" He gestured at his head. "Right now, she's thinking really hard about her next spell. She's busy trying to perfect her magic, and it's working.Her control is better than it's ever been, because a part of my mind is soothing hers, focusing it, and allowing her to feel how it's supposed to be. But in reverse?" He huffed out a laugh. "She's all but screaming and jumping in my head when I need to actually concentrate, and Idon't know how to deal with this!"
"Oh." Fuck, what could I even say to that? "Torian, I'm sorry. I didn't know, and I didn't mean to. What do you need? I mean, maybe we could - "
"No." He lifted a hand, halting my rambling. "I'm not trying to make you fix it. Rain, I'mtryingto say you're right. I am too, but that doesn't make you wrong." Pushing out a sigh, he let his hand drop. "But you can't let her drain herself. She will. Aspen will destroy herself for you, because she's never been in love before. She doesn't know how much it can hurt. She has no fucking clue that she needs to take care of herself too. All she sees is you putting yourself at risk for her, and she thinks she has to pay it back, so she risks her fucking life!"
"No, that's not what I wanted!" I breathed.
He lifted a hand. "I know. Hawke made that clear - and called me a dumb fuck a few times."
"So can you help me?" I asked.
His eyes narrowed. "Me?"
"I mean, you know about Wild magic, right?"
The corner of his lip curled higher. "A bit. I use seasonal magic, though."
"Yeah, but Ms. Rhodes doesn't know shit! Maybe you can help me? I know you have a class with Keir, and I dunno, maybe he can help too? Or not. I'm not trying to make this weird. It's just that youareright, Torian. I don't know shit, and I never know what I'm supposed to do or how to do it. Ms. Rhodes keeps telling me to focus on putting magic in that stone - "
