"With Wilder, or with Torian?" I countered. "And in case you forgot, you were kinda pissed when I convinced you to leave the cafeteria. I thought asking where you lived might be, I dunno, the straw that breaks the camel's back."
"I'm kinda between both," he admitted.
"See?" I asked, trying to lighten the mood - and prove I wasn't a moron. "This way, I don't have to worry about it - or about having Torian come back and set you off again." I tugged, trying to encourage him to come sit on the bed and calm down.
But he resisted. "Rain?"
"I'm still not scared of you, Hawke." Because that seemed to be what always made him calm down.
"Fuck!" he grumbled, turning the other way just to pace a few steps. "Shit, I didn't mean to fuck with you. I've been trying so hard not to do it, but you're just not scared of me."
I had exactly no clue what he was talking about. "Hawke?" I tried. "You didn't fuck with me."
"So why are you nice to me?" he demanded, clearly frustrated. "No one is nice to me. To everyone else in this school, I'm just Torian's friend. Hissidekick! They think I'm so easy to fucking forget about - and theylaughabout it! They think I'm nothing because they don't know shit about Faerie. Oh, they've heard stories. They whisper about the bedtime terrors their parents told them. They giggle about being princes and princesses - willing to settle for any title they can sink their claws into, but they don't have a damned clue what it would mean. They've never seen the pressure nobility is drowning under. No one stops to think about why the Queen went mad! These fools don'tknowwhat it's like when the rose-colored glasses have been removed!"
Holy shit. Ok, that was a lot to take in, and I really didn't know where it was coming from. Why did he care so much about nobility? Wilder, maybe? Or was Hawke hiding a lot more than the color of his magic?
"You know you can tell me, right?" I asked. "Anything you want. I'm not going to use it against you."
"I can't," he snarled, turning to lash out at my chair, shoving it towards the desk. "We promised to not expose ourselves. We can't - " He stopped hard.
Oh yeah, there was something there. I just didn't know what, and unlike everyone else, I refused to jump to conclusions. Ms. Rhodes had all but smacked me in the face with it the other day. Everyone deserved to come out in their own time. Directed at me, of course. But here? In this school?
I had a feeling "coming out" was about a lot more than just sexuality. Identity mattered too. Who we kissed, who we were friends with, and what we aspired to were all things we were desperately trying to figure out. Adding in ranks of nobility and all the other archaic shit I didn't really understand? Yeah, Wilder was a duke. But Hawke? Torian?
I would never use their pasts against them. It didn't matter if they were monsters or royals. I couldn't give a shit about either. What mattered to me was that the entire court had been there for me when I needed it. The least I could do was repay the favor.
So I asked gently, "Hawke, what are you talking about? Not the details. What's the real problem?"
His head whipped around, those autumn eyes locking on me. "I'm saying I like you, dammit! I have since you showed up, and now you're bringing me to your room?"
I had to fight back a smile. "Yeah?" I closed the distance between us one more time, reaching up to cup his face. "I kinda like you too. Well, I like a few people, but I've heard that's ok."
"No," he said, leaning his cheek into my touch. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but you never noticed me until now. I think you just like my power."
"I kinda like my own power," I assured him. "Hawke, I'm immune to your magic, remember?"
"Wrong power," he breathed, but his eyes were scanning my face. Then he pulled back, standing straighter. "Or have I been wrong about you this whole time?"
I laughed once. "Uh, probably. I mean, in case you missed it, I'm here because I want a future. One no one else can take from me, and a future no one just gives me either. I want toearnwhat I'm praised for, even if I have to claw my way through shadow magic, Wild Hunts, and fae politics to do it. Hawke, I just want some friends! I want people who give a shit about me so I can give one back. I want - "
He caught the back of my neck, startling me enough to cut me off. "You're definitely earning it," he growled before leaning in fast and pressing his lips up against mine.
The man kissed me. I tensed, unsure what was happening for a split-second. Yet when my brain caught up, all I could think about was Aspen's giggle when I'd told her about Keir kissing me in the darkness on New Year's Eve. I remembered her being the perfect best friend, encouraging me to chase these guys, even though she was my girlfriend.
In other words, I remembered there was nothing at all wrong with doing exactly what I wanted to for once. No strings attached.
So I grabbed Hawke's shirt, pulling his chest as close to me as possible. When my lips parted, he was right there. His hand on the back of my neck shifted to the side, holding my face where he wanted. Turning gently, he kissed me hard while easing me back. Our tongues swirled and bumped, learning each other.
I let him ease me another step back. He followed, kissing even harder. Where Aspen was soft and Keir was hard, Hawke was sharp. The feel of his mouth on mine made me hyperaware of my entire body. The pressure of his thumb resting against the base of my throat made me aware his nail was just long enough to dent my skin. The power of his hand, controlling the angle of my head. The way he pressed in, standing taller than me and so much broader.
It was all enough to make a girl moan, and I did. The sound was soft, hanging in the back of my throat, but he heard it. I felt his lips flicker in a smile just as my back hit the wall. Immediately, his other hand caught mywaist, pulling my hips against his. Then he bucked, grinding a hard ridge against my belly.
"Court!" Jack cawed loudly.
"Fuck!" Hawke breathed, jerking back.
"Court, court, Rain!" Jack continued. "Rain! Rain-Jack!"
