Suddenly weak-kneed, Jeff lowered himself to sit on the deck stairs before he could fall. His throat constricted with panic. “I thought you said we didn’t have to talk about that.”
“Yeah, well.” Carter dragged over a chair one-handed and planted himself in it. Even as panic-stricken as Jeff was, he had to admire the sheer strength that took—the chair was solid pine. “That was when I was afraid you’d run away.”
Jeff squeezed his eyes shut, dug his nails into his palms, and leaned back against the deck rail. “And now?”
“Now I know you’re going to run away. The only thing that matters is if you come back.”
Jeff really wanted to come back. He took a deep breath, held it, let it go. He opened his eyes. “All right,” he said. “You want to talk about what happened, so we’ll talk about it.” If he dug deep, maybe he could be as honest as Carter seemed to think he was. After all, everyone knew anyway, didn’t they? Jeff only liked to pretend they didn’t. “I’ll start. I walked outside to get some air after my mom’s funeral, after my life fell apart, and you were sitting on the back stairs of the funeral parlor kissing my cousin.”
If he was being brave, though, truly brave, he couldn’t leave it there. “In case the subtext wasn’t clear—” He swallowed and looked right at Carter. “—that broke my heart a little.”
Carter was the one person Jeff had always trusted not to hurt him. Jeff had no claim to him, but the betrayal of that trust had devastated him all the same.
He thought he’d feel different after admitting it, but he didn’t. Maybe he felt like he’d admitted it so many times by now, onstage in front of thousands, that it was old news.
Carter gave him a pained look, the corners of his mouth tightening and turning down. “I kind of figured.” But he didn’t look away. “I’m sorry. It was a stupid thing to do. Can I… elaborate a little?”
Elaborate?“Is there more to say?”
Carter lifted a shoulder, repositioned his leg, grimaced, repositioned it again. “I don’t want to say something likeexcuse, because I don’t have an excuse. I have… motivations, I guess? Extenuating circumstances? I want to give you the whole picture.”
For God’s sake. “I think I got the picture pretty clearly,” Jeff said, dry and a bit stung.
Carter opened his mouth.
Jeff cut him off. “Yes, okay? Fine.Elaborate.”
It could hardly make things worse.
“Your life was falling apart,” Carter said. “That’s how you put it. Your mom died, your dad was making you move.
“But—God, this sounds awful with this much hindsight, don’t think I don’t know that. But I was seventeen, and my life was falling apart too. My best friend’s mom died and there wasn’t anything I could do to help him. And he was going to move, and all the plans I’d had for that last summer before university were gone too. On top of everything, I knew I wasn’t the person everyone thought I was, but I wasn’t ready to tell them so.”
Well, that cut some of his resentment off at the knees. Jeff licked his lips. “You’re right, that’s a lot to deal with.” Was he saying…?
“I know it doesn’t excuse the way I hurt you.” He leaned forward and clasped his hands between his knees. “But when I kissed—oh God.” He stopped and dropped his head into his hands. “Crap.”
His ears were bright red, and Jeff wondered what had him so flustered. And then he realized—“Oh my God, you forgot her name!”
“This is so embarrassing.” He lifted his head just enough for Jeff to see his eyes. “But I guess it proves my point. I didn’t want to be different. I did a shitty thing trying to convince myself I didn’t have feelings for you, and then you caught me and any chance I had went up in smoke.” He dropped his hands again and let Jeff see his sad, resigned smile. “At either thing, or so I thought.”
Okay. He was definitely saying that. Jeff pressed his lips together and waited for him to come right out and admit it.
“Nothing to say?” Carter said.
He cleared his throat. “Uh, doesn’t seem like you’re done.” His mouth tried to make a shape, but it couldn’t pick one. The lower half of his face just sort of twitched aimlessly. “I mean. I’ve pretty much said it all. Publicly.”
But Carter wasn’t going to let Jeff off easy. He reached forward, and Jeff automatically reached back until Carter was holding his hand. “The thing is, I should be over it, but I’m not. When you showed up again, I thought, well, it’s been years and people change, and I wasn’t going to risk losing your friendship again if it turned out we’d changed too much or I’d just been romanticizing the past.” He glanced away and then back again. “I figured this was my chance to figure out what might’ve happened if I didn’t mess it up the first time.”
Jeff swallowed. “What makes you think it would’ve worked out?” he asked, because somehow talking about the past felt a lot safer than talking aboutnow. “You weren’t ready to come out. I was a grief-and-hormone-fueled ball of resentment. And you were leaving for university anyway. I would’ve hated being the boyfriend back home.” He’d have felt like a kid. “It was doomed. Like, don’t get me wrong, I’d have been into it. But it would’ve been a train wreck.”
“Then maybe we’re lucky we waited.”
Jeff’s fingers clenched reflexively and his heart thudded in his throat. How could Carter be so sure about this, so calm? “What makes you think now will be any different? I came here because I’m a mess, Carter. Again or still.”
“Well, we’ve basically been dating since you got back,” Carter said gently, and he smiled when Jeff started in surprise. “I’m confident that my feelings haven’t changed. I can be patient while you draw your own conclusions.”
Jeff stared at him, sure that he couldn’t possibly be real. Saint Cinnamon Roll Carter Rhodes, the world’s sweetest and most patient man—unless he was getting a blow job.
