Jeff was not going to have a panic attack in front of a tiny fangirl, even if she was Carter’s queer niece.
Finally Charlie finished in a hissed, obvious stage whisper, “Are you having a secret relationship with a rock star?”
Carter threw a helpless look at Jeff, but what was Jeff going to do? He didn’t know anything about kids. He literally cut gum out of a kindergartener’s hair an hour ago. “It’s complicated,” Carter said, which deserved an award for Understatement of the Year. “Look, Charlie, it’s great to see you, but can you give us a minute?”
She looked back at him, then at Jeff again. Jeff hoped she hadn’t realized that if you peeled back the layers of his rock star persona, all you’d have was a guy who’d been in love with his best friend since eighth grade. “Sure, Uncle Carter. Um, I’ll just wait outside.”
The screen door banged shut behind her, and somehow Jeff made himself walk the rest of the way to the couch, because Carter really shouldn’t be getting up again so soon. He dropped down onto it and put his face in his hands… which still smelled like spit and come. Jesus.
“Hey,” Carter said gently, touching his shoulder. “Relax, okay? Charlie’s dad’s a professional hockey player. She knows better than to post things on social media.”
Jeff had not even gotten that far into his list of things to freak out about. “Right now I’m a little more concerned about your mom.” He took a deep breath.
“What?” Carter tilted his head. “Come on, Mom loves you.”
Yeah. That was the whole problem. Jeff needed her to keep loving him, no matter what happened. “Look, this is… a lot.”
Carter froze and his face closed off. He withdrew his hand. “Sorry, I….”
It hadn’t even been five minutes and Jeff was fucking up. Bad enough he’d put that guarded expression on Carter’s face. He needed to fix this before it got worse. “I just, I came out here for… space, and perspective on my life, and to figure out who I am when I’m not, you know….” He waved a hand vaguely toward the door. “Jeff Pine, Willow Sound’s most famous queer person.”
Carter raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah, I know.” He rolled his eyes. “But the thing is, I don’t know who I am withoutthiseither, and when you’re already having an identity crisis….”
Carter’s face shuttered further. “You don’t have to explain.”
“Yes I do.” Jeff huffed out a breath. “I wasn’t expecting this, all right? Don’t get me wrong. It’s a good surprise. I just need space.”
Some of the guardedness fell away, and he nodded. “Okay. I can respect that.” He clenched and unclenched his right hand. “Uh, are you still… I mean the memorial’s the day after tomorrow. I’d understand—”
“I’ll be there,” Jeff said quickly. “I wouldn’t miss that. I already hate that I wasn’t here before.”
“Okay.” Carter sagged a little. “Okay. I’ll see you then.”
“Yeah.” Jeff stood up. “I’ll see you.”
Charlie was sitting on the lawn next to a powder-blue bike. She looked up from her phone when Jeff walked out.
Jeff had never had a more awkward walk of shame. He raised his hand in a wave.
Charlie returned the gesture. She didn’t look any more comfortable than he felt.
So the memorial would be interesting.
Jeff got back in the truck and started the engine. He needed a shower and a beer, or maybe one of those weed gummies he picked up before he left Toronto. He needed a good night’s sleep and a little distance from Carter, from the way he looked at Jeff, the way he touched him.
He needed clarity.
He went back to the cabin intending to accomplish all of those goals, but when he unlocked the door, all he could see was his notebook sitting untouched on the kitchen table next to the unopened package of pens.
Jeff should shower. Heneededto shower. But.
But he needed to process too, and he’d always processed best on paper. There was no point waiting. It was going to come out of him one way or another, and at least if he wrote it out, he’d have control over how.
He sat down at the table and pulled the notebook toward himself.
When the pen touched the paper, it seemed to operate of its own accord.
