Page 47 of String Theory


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Jax bit down on his tongue in order to avoid telling her it was every night now. “A little empathy might be nice. It’s not like I didn’t finish onpurpose. Sorry there was a global pandemic and I had to leave the university and while I was gone my thesis advisor fucking died!”

“I know,” she said, and already the anger had leached out of her voice. It always did, not that it made it better. “Shit, I know that. I’m sorry. I know Grayling meant a lot to you.”

Grayling had been like the father he’d never had, though Jax had never felt the loss of one when he was growing up. His mother was aromantic and had always been single, but she made sure he and Sam had plenty of role models of all genders. That didn’t mean he didn’t fall in love with Grayling’s family, his wife and two teenage daughters, who invited Grayling’s grad students to family barbecues and gave him a home away from home.

And then the pandemic hit, and everything shut down. Grayling got conscripted to work on some software for the Massachusetts Department of Health, and Jax was his right-hand man. Then he crossed the border into Canada, called home by a prime minister who’d seen the writing on the wall. Two months later Grayling was dead.

“How can I face them?” Jax whispered. “I abandoned them.”

“Jax… honey. You don’t have to go back. That’s what I’m trying to say.”

“You’re right. I don’t. I’m happy doing what I’m doing.” He was good at bartending. He was mediocre at playing piano. But he wasexcellentat making sure people had a good time.

“I mean in order to get your doctorate.”

Jax stopped, bowled over. “So, what? You think I should abandon my years of research and start over because it’s more important for me to have a PhD than….” Than what? Whatever the fuck he was doing now? Than dealing with grief and PTSD and a brand-new ADHD diagnosis in the best way he knew how? Finally forming friendships that felt like they’d last, with people who cared about more than Jax’s enormous, beautiful brain?

“If you had chosen a Canadian university in the first place—”

The surge of rage that washed through him then made him wind his arm back to throw his cell phone at the wall. But he couldn’t afford to replace it, and that was a childish impulse anyway.

“If I had chosen a Canadian university, there still would’ve been a pandemic. But I wouldn’t have worked on a computer model that predicted viral spread in human populations. That was actuallyuseful.”

His mother was silent for several long moments. “You know I’m proud of that work.”

Jax took a shaky breath.

“I just want you to be happy, Jax. To live up to your potential.” And there was the kicker. Jax’s mouth twisted.

“I’ll think about it, okay?” he lied. He was already thinking about it, just not the way she wanted. “But I’m done talking about it now. If that changes, I’ll let you know.”

“All right,” she said softly. “If that’s what you want.”

“Thanks.”

“Jax, if you ever need money….”

Oh Jesus, what now? Was she going to try to bribe him into going back by offering to pay for it? “I’m fine,” he said firmly.

“I’m just saying—”

“Look, I should, uh, get going. I’m working tonight and I’ve got things to do.”

“All right,” she said after a long silence. “I love you. And answer your phone now and again.”

“I will, Mom.” He might.

He hung up and flung himself back on his mattress. A glance at his phone said he would have to get moving soon if he had any errands today, but he pressed an arm over his eyes and wondered if a nap would be a bad idea. Or maybe he could see what Ari was up to?

Jax retrieved his phone from the mountain of blankets and texted,You busy today?

The Captain jumped up onto the bed and stomped toward him. Jax reached out and tickled the cat’s chin and stroked his ears.

Pressing into Jax’s hand, he chirruped and purred, and eventually settled his heavy body across Jax’s chest. It looked like someone was voting for more sleep.

“You win, Captain Tubby-pants. We’ll stay in bed just a little while longer.” Ari hadn’t texted back yet, and a bit more sleep would be helpful to get through anything strenuous.

Chapter Ten