“Good. So, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You need to go and get her. If you let her do this, I will never forgive you.”
I look her over for a moment. Feeling a touch proud that Rosie has a friend as intense as Addy. That someone is willing to fight for her like this. How she ever thought she was alone when she has Addy and Casey in her corner is beyond me.
Her words soak into my skin, and the understanding I had started to feel about why Rosie couldn’t pick me quickly turns into a panic—panic that I have just let her fall through my grasp. She isn’t simply slipping; she is tumbling, and instead of catching her, of holding her through it, I let her go. I let her crash, and I did nothing to stop it.
That feeling weighs as heavy as lead in my stomach.
“When did you get all, like, inspirational and shit?” I raise a playful brow, hoping to erase some of the panic that is growing rapidly in my chest.
Addison huffs an exhausted laugh. “Therapy. Like, so,somuch therapy.” I smile when she does and we laugh a little.
“Maybe I should do that. The whole therapy thing.” I grunt, rolling my eyes at the pleased gleam returning to hers.
“Everyone should.” She pats me on the shoulder as she wanders over to the stove. “Smells great, can’t wait to eat.”
Addy ends up staying for dinner and drinks, and she wanders for most of the afternoon. I let her, if anything to give her a bit of privacy, seeing as she hasn’t been here since everything with her family went down. It’s nice company, actually, if a bit odd. I haven’t spent…well, any alone time with Addison. Though it’s mostly because Noah is obsessed with her and is always there. It’s kind of nice to talk to her on this level, to joke with her, and ask her about this place.
She leaves when it’s late, assuring me she has somewhere close to stay and that Noah is meeting her. Apparently, he didn’twant to intrude on what he’d calledCaleb regroup time.I had rolled my eyes dramatically enough that she giggled.
But before long, it is just me with my thoughts, me stewing over everything that happened. I want, more than anything, to pretend like none of it even happened. To go running back to NYC, to find Rosie lazily napping in my bed, and to climb in and hold her against me. And never let her go. But that’s foolish. Because it did happen, and she won’t be at my place because she chose someone else. She didn’t pick me. And maybe I’m being childish, but that’s the part I’m struggling to get past.
I just wish I’d be good enough for someone to pickme.
The next few days fly by. Somehow Addison’s little visit seemed to have settled my rattled nerves a little, and I’m glad to say I stayed off the whiskey. I went for hikes, swam in the lake, star gazed. I may have moped around thinking about Rosie more than I should have, but it wasn’t until Friday, after I’d spent the last few days with just my thoughts alone, with nothing but my wounded heart to keep me company, that I turned over everything Addy had said.
She loves you too.
I really want to believe that. I want to hold on to the fact that while we were playing around, getting closer, and I was hurtling my heart off a cliff, I want to know that she did too. That I wasn’t alone in feeling like I was losing my footing because I was suddenly feeling a whole lot of things I’d never let myself feel before.
It’s the kind of love that can lift you so high, the fall breaks you…It rearranges priorities and dreams…forces you to grow, to adapt and change. It allows you to be free without the fear of being lost.
That last part was on repeat.Free,without beinglost.That’s how she made me feel.
Rosie hasn’t been free a day in her life.Fuck.
All this time, I wonder if she imagined her freedom would come with being lost. Like there is no purpose, nothing in her world. I imagine she thought there wouldn’t be, given her father had strings controlling every aspect of her life. Her job, her home, her money.
Fuck!
I really am a fool.
I’m out here licking my wounds over not being chosen like some fourth-grader at a sports day, when all Rosie’s wanted is to be free and not lose control of her life. And instead of helping her find it, of loving her despite the complications, I let the fall break her.
The realization has me pacing the ground, probably wearing a hole in the damn floor, but I can’t help but panic. Because tomorrow is their engagement party. I need her to know she’d never be lost with me. That I’m an idiot, that I love her, we’re in this together.
I don’t hesitate any longer; I pack my shit and head straight for New York City.
CHAPTER 39
i knew you were obsessed with me
Rosie
Ispend the whole week on autopilot. Trying to find reasons to wake up…and then simply being forced by my brain because I don’t seem to have any autonomy left. Mostly because thinking for myself involves thinking about everything I ruined. It means letting back in the hollow ache at the realization I pushed away the best thing that ever happened to me, all because I was scared. Me. Rosie Garcia was scared. I guess my fears weren’t all that unwarranted, given my biggest fear—losing my job and Caleb—actually came true.
And yet when I think long and hard about it, if I had a chance to pick one of them to have back in return of the other, I would pick Caleb every single time.
I wish I trusted that voice in my head now.
