Page 38 of Need for Speed
Hollis is great at not trying to fill the quiet with unnecessary conversation. She knows that right now conversing is not very high on my list of things to do. I’m grateful to just drive to the doctor’s office in the quiet of the music coming from the radio. Bowie is hosting the show today, so it didn’t shock me that she had the radio on when I got in the car. Too soon we pull up to thedoctor’s office. I take a deep breath to try and calm the nerves that have formed on the drive over.
I sign in and we take a seat in the waiting room with the rest of the mom’s to be and some of the fathers. My heart breaks a little that Axell isn’t here with me, but I couldn’t put this off any longer. I’d give almost anything to have him here with me right now. I look around and see that most of the women are clearly farther along than I am, already showing with their baby bumps. Apparently, one baby starts kicking by the mother’s exclaims and the father quickly reaches over and places his hands on the baby bump. I watch as his face lights with astonishment. Absentmindedly, I reach down and place my hand over my stomach. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever get to have a moment like that with Axell.
The nurse appears and calls my name. “Do you want me to go with you?” Hollis asks, and I nod. I don’t feel strong enough to do this by myself today. We head down the hallway. They weigh me and take my blood pressure which is a little high then we wait for the doctor. Hollis flips through a parenting magazine while we wait. Dr. Estrada finally knocks and enters the room. “Hi, Mrs. James. I’m Dr. Estrada. I understand that you believe you are expecting.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Well, congratulations. So, we’ll do a test and then grab the ultrasound machine and see what we can find out,” he explains.
The doctor confirmed it. I was in fact pregnant about eight weeks to be exact. I had heard the heartbeat and that had made me cry. Everything seems to make me cry now days. He was concerned about my blood pressure but after Hollis explained the situation right now, he backed off but told me to eat all low sodium foods. I got a blurry picture as I left out that was supposed to be a picture of the baby, but it looked more like a bean of some sort. Everything was happening so fast.
****
I had to return to work a few weeks ago. As much as I hated leaving Axell’s side the world didn’t pause for us just because our lives were falling apart. My morning sickness had finally gone away but the stress hadn’t. Axel was quickly approaching the six-week mark. At six weeks he would be moved out of the hospital and into a long-term care facility. It was a little-known fact that normally if you hadn’t woken up from a coma within six weeks you more than likely weren’t going to.
I was almost three and half months pregnant. Everyone around me knew at this point, everyone but Axell. I liked to believe that he could hear me when I talked to him and that he actually knew we were having baby. Axell had healed but never woken up. They couldn’t understand why but it happened. I still held onto to a small sliver of hope. I had to that was how I made it through the days.
Drake would be arriving in a few days. Seth had stayed in South Carolina with him after our mother passed away two months ago. The house needed to be sold and things gone through and paperwork to take care of. Seth had done it all and by himself while taking care of my son. Jovi was excited for Drake to arrive and even helped get his room set up at the house. I didn’t worry too much because I knew Jovi would look out and help Drake adjust.
I had just gotten off from work when I pulled up to the hospital. I took the stairs since Axell wasn’t on the top floor anymore. He had been moved to a regular room about two weeks after his accident. I pulled the chair over to the side of his bed. Axell had lost a lot of weight. For all of the time I’ve known him I’d never seen him this thin. His bones had healed, and his stitches were gone. There was a scar left under his eye, but Ithink it gives him even more character to his already handsome face.
I took his hand in mine and the weight of the day finally caught me. The weight of the world was on my shoulders. I needed Axell. I was tired of being strong all the time. I was tired of praying. I was just tired in general. For the first time since the first week he was in the hospital I cried. I laid my forehead on top of his hand and cried like a baby and pleaded with Axell.
“Axell, I need you to hear me right now. I need you to come back to me. I need you to open those ridiculously pretty eyes that I was always so jealous of. I’m trying to stay strong but I’m breaking Axell. Even I need help from time to time and you’re the only one that can help me. We’re having a baby and you should be here. You should be here with me to decorate the nursery. You should be here for doctor’s appointments and we should be fighting over names. You should be here when Drake gets here. Our family is growing but you’re not here and you should be. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I never told you about Drake. I’m sorry that you were rushing so you could get to me when all this happened. I’m sorry Axell. I love you so much that this guilt and regret are pulling me down. I miss you so much that I’m actually in pain. I miss your chuckle and stupid smirk that I took for granted. I just assumed that you’d always be here, you were my invincible man until you weren’t, and I don’t know what to do or where to go without you so please come back to me. I’m not me without you,” I cry the whole way through. I doubt he can even understand half of what I said but I needed to beg him. “I love you handsome. Come home.”
I left the hospital that night feeling exhausted. When I got home, I ate dinner that Jovi made then crawled into the bed. The bed that was empty and cold without Axell beside me, another hurtful reminder that he wasn’t here. I was sound asleep when Jovi came into the bedroom that morning, waking me up after Islept through my alarm. I got dressed and rushed out the door with Jovi on my heels. Both of us rushing, I stopped and turned around to Jovi “Don’t speed. If you’re late, you’re late. I don’t care.”
“I won’t,” he tells me with a nod.
We get into our cars and I dial my manager before pulling out of the driveway. “I might be a little late. I overslept, and I need to stop by and check on Axell.” I was lucky my manager was great. He told me not to worry about it. I headed to the hospital with Guns N’ Roses on the radio. I took the elevator since I was already running late. As I approach Axell’s room I hear a lot of commotion. My feet start to move faster and faster until I’m in the doorway. A doctor and nurse are both standing beside Axell’s bed. When they move Axell’s eyes find mine and I’ve never felt relief like I feel it right now. “Hey beautiful,” he rasps out.
Epilogue
Axell
I check to make sure Sadie is still asleep before I get out of bed. She cried herself to sleep last night. Jovi and his best friend Lance leave tomorrow for boot camp. They graduated a couple of weeks ago so now it’s time to start the next phase of their lives. I wasn’t sure if he’d really enlist until he told me he already had. I won’t lie it scares the hell out of me for him. He’s the baby and we’ve always done everything we could to protect him from the world but now he’s going out into the world. The world that can be so cruel and full of hate and evil. I know he can handle it. Hell, Jovi can handle anything that’s just who he is, but I worry about how this experience might change him. Regardless, I’m so damn proud of him.
Last night, my brothers, Drake, and I all went out to eat and bowling, sort of like Jovi’s last hoorah before leaving us. We all enjoyed it, but I know that in the back of our minds we were all worried about the possibility of never seeing him again. I hope that doesn’t happen because he deserves to be happy. I know Drake is sad to see him go. They bonded quickly which I was thankful for once I finally woke from my coma. Having Drake around has actually been an easy transition. It’s like he’s always been a part of the family. He’s going to start working at the shop soon. He might as well already be employed there since he spends the majority of his time there anyways. Drake is a good kid and like Jovi he’s suffered some great losses at an early age but somehow, they’ve managed to take it in stride. Sadie and him have a really strong relationship now, and that makes things even better.
I make my way across the hallway and open the door to the nursery quietly. Dawsyn is crying because she’s hungry. It’s the only time she does cry. I pick her up and she stops, her baby blue eyes meet mine and she gives me one of those adorable toothless baby smiles. The one that has had me wrapped around her finger from the day she was born.
We make our way to the kitchen and I fix her a bottle before going back to her room and taking a seat in the nursery. I feed, burp and rock her back to sleep but instead of placing her in her crib I decide to just hold her. When I had first heard we were going to have a baby I got scared. I worried I wouldn’t be a good dad and it all seemed so impossible to me. I had lost a good amount of time while in the coma. Sadie had the time to wrap her head around becoming a mom while I was out. I still hadn’t wrapped my head around the idea by the time I got to go to the doctor with her. When he pulled out the ultrasound machine and I heard her tiny heartbeat it sunk in.
My need for speed is no more. Actually, none of us are really racing anymore. Jagger, Bowie and I are busy with our kids. Ace is busy with Kynlee and Jovi may have wanted to race but never got into it. Somebody new will come up and take our place and I’m okay with that now. I’m still rocking Dawsyn as the sun starts to peek up over the horizon. Sadie comes into the room with a sleepy smile on her face. “Good morning beautiful.”
“Good morning babe,” she replies. “We need to start getting ready.” I nod and place Dawsyn back in her crib when I turn around Sadie launches herself into my arms while reaching up to trace the scar under my eye left over from the accident. Surprisingly, it doesn’t stand out too bad, but I often find Sadie tracing it. She always tells me it’s a good reminder of what she almost lost and that I’m not invincible. “Tell me everything will be okay,” she demands.
I rub her back. “Everything will be fine.” Oddly, enough I believe that. Sadie was my saving grace in life and even if at the time I didn’t know it she gave me two of the most amazing gifts I could have asked for, Drake and Dawsyn. Our life hasn’t been the easiest, but it has been full. Full of laughs, full of family, full of speed but most of all full of love. One part of our story is ending but the other part is just beginning. I take Sadie’s hand and pull her back into our bedroom, so we can get ready to go see Jovi off. Jovi is starting a new part of his story too. I wonder if he’s as excited as I am.
